Friday, September 5, 2008

REDSKINS 0-1! At least now my Sunday is free

While the rest of the football-obsessed world can sit still for another few days, dreaming of what magical situations the coming season will unwrap, as a Redskin fan, I am already sitting on 0-1, with little fucking hope. Game kick-off according to TV Guide time was 7:00 pm, but most likely a little later than that, but I know I had given up hope on the defense at 7:14 pm by the clock on my VCR, which might be a couple minutes slow since it's been unscrewed and dropped a couple times. The Giants offense steamrolled into the end zone fast enough for me to get a glimpse of this new Jim Zorn-flavored West Coast offense to give up on the offense by 7:27 pm. No shit. Sadly enough, by 8:31 pm, I was disinterestedly flipping between the game and some Ukrainian artphag movie on the bonus digital PBS station that magically flies through the air with the new-fangled digitronics box I got with my government coupon.
First off, before I get to the real culprit of suckitude, let me address Jim Zorn. I feel bad for Jim Zorn, because he is in over his head, an unwitting accomplice in Vinny Cerrato's ineptitude. You could see it in Zorn's eyes numerous times tonight, that "Oh shit, what the fuck is going on?" look that only people who lied on their resumes get. Except Zorn didn't lie on his resume; he just got hired for no real reason other than to save some face after Cerrato ran off Gregg Williams and the Redskin fanbase was about to revolt over shithead Jim Fassel possibly being the coach. And what the fuck is up with Zorn's hair? It's like an anime animation of a 1989 southern California skateboarding high school kid's hair, except it's real, and never fell down even after multiple headset wringings. If he were to ever miraculously earn one, I bet even a Gatorade bath wouldn't push those forehead spikes down.
Anyways, the game sucked. Luckily, the Giants started sucking enough that anyone who only knows of the game from the score in the paper tomorrow will mistakenly think the Redskins are a real professional football team. Apparently, the main philosophy behind the Jim Zorn-coached Redskins is "we will gladly trade seven minutes run off the clock for you to kick a field goal so we can get out of here faster." Jason Taylor, who I did not trust when all my Redskin buddies were like, "This is great man, he's great, blah blah blah, great!" sucked just as much as I expected he would. Fucking light-skinned ass primadonna. I can see our rushing defense is gonna be top-notch with him on the field. And Fred Smoot... that's my man, with his preseason nickname of Pappy McDougle McDonald Slappy the Footballs or whatever he gave himself, I love that dude. But he was really good tonight at being about five yards away from the guy who was catching the ball down the field. That became frustrating, and was not lessened by his lone interception of budding retard Eli Manning.
As for offense, I am done with Santana Moss. He earned a ton of Redskin lore credit for snagging those two TD passes late in the game against the Cowboys that one Monday night game back when the network game was on Monday nights. But I am pretty fucking tired of him catching balls two yards short or missing passes and acting like he was piledriven pass interfered with when no one touched him, or just his general flingy armed excuse-making for every fucking mistake that gets made like four times a drive. Luckily, Vinny Cerrato drafted two half-crippled overrated wide receivers this year, so we'll have people with basically the same skill set to take his place hopefully by midseason. And Jason Campbell... Man, I think there's some big conspiracy on the media's part to always emphasize how smart Campbell is because he has those big mushmouth lips, and Jason Campbell does come across all the time as a really nice guy. But I don't know if it's because he's always having to switch systems or what it is, that dude is slow as fuck at getting plays off. Like, there was two minutes left and he was lolligagging, doing that "this is the church, this is the steeple" hand gesture for huddling up, it was ridiculous. And you know what, I'm doing the same thing, trying to be nice. Jason Campbell has not showed me he is smart yet, that he can learn from mistakes. So I'm gonna assume Jason Campbell is stupid. I did the same assumption with Heath Shuler and Jeff George and Patrick Ramsey, so there's no need for me to refrain from doing the same for Jason Campbell just because he's a black guy with big lips. He seems to be stupid, at least for a quarterback.
Oh man, and Vinny Cerrato. There was a big blow-up piece in the Washington Post today about how this was finally, without a doubt, Cerrato's team, even though it had been his team for years. On opening day kick-off, the local paper, usually full of Kool-Aid stories to hype the team up, basically was like, "Cerrato befriended Snyder, is Snyder's boy, fucked over Gregg Williams, Gibbs wanted to get rid of him but Snyder wouldn't have it, so now Cerrato is the man in charge." Which I like, because the paper has had writers at practice all preseason, and they knew how bad the Redskins were gonna suck this year. So they did what they could and set up Cerrato as the cause from the beginning, hoping that he will get dumped, instead of Zorn getting fired when he was hired to be the scapegoat, so they can throw money at Bill Cowher or somebody and have Cerrato fuck them over too. Before the frustration of tonight's game, I wanted Cerrato gone, but now I just wish cancer death on him. Not even though, because that's slow and he might ruin the team for a couple more years while wasting away.
This season is going to be terrible. This was not a loss where I was like, "Oh yeah, they showed promise here and there" or "Man, that sucked but this guy sure was good." They looked like an understaffed, undercoached team. The Giants played a pretty shitty game and still handily dominated. This is going to be a long, shitty season. All those prognosticators who were all like, "Redskins finish last in the NFC East, at 8-8" were trying to be nice, because this team is going to be lucky to win 6 games. But hopefully, with the newspaper's help, Vinny Cerrato will get fired, they can demote Jim Zorn to QB coach again, bring in somebody who can really run some bullshit offense like that, and we can usher in the Colt Brennan era.
That is how bad it is; I am banking the future of my favorite football team, at this point, on a sixth round draft pick QB. But Tom Brady was a sixth round pick too. Oh man, I can't wait until three years from now when Colt Brennan rescues us into the playoffs and we win the Super Bowl. I will go to sleep with such dreams dancing in my angrily drunken head.

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