Goddammit, Ben

"That boy ain't right"

So as you may have heard, our dear Ben may have possibly whipped it out and whizzed on a tree at some golf event. There doesn't seem to be enough for the cops to press charges, but let's face it: if you're in Ohio and you see someone 6'5 with blond hair whizzing on a tree, it's probably Ben.

I mean, who among us hasn't gone to a golf event, had a few beers, and found themselves out in the woods watering the plant life like the LORD intended? So what if someone who's property borders the golf course sees you whizzing on a tree? Lady needs to mind her own business and not interfere in the natural order of things.

There's no word if he sexually harassed the tree afterward, or bought drinks for all the neighboring trees to keep them quiet.

Apparently the real issue Ben has isn't drinking, or abusing women, the boy just can't keep his wang holstered. He's like the Barney Fife of dick, he can't just put that thing away despite his best efforts.

Hopefully this doesn't further anger the Commish, I don't think Steeler fans can survive six full weeks of Byron Leftwich. At this point, the team needs to hire a dude who's full time job is to make sure Ben's dick only comes out when it's supposed to. Kind of like that guy who travels around with the Stanley Cup to make sure no one touches it who shouldn't be. He can even wear white gloves too.

All I can say is that this had better be the last Bencock story we hear of, this city's hasn't had a dick in the news this much since Barry Bonds left the Pirates.