Your 49ers Pre-Draft Bullshit Thing, Part 1

Now don't mind us now, we're just trying to prepare for the inevitable Niner bowel movement

A lot has happened between the Saints winning the Lombardi Trophy and this point in time where the NFL has gone Greek and determine whether the smoothness of a young adult's hip-turning is good enough for them: NFL Draft hullabaloo.

Part One will look at the turn of events that unfolded to reach this goddamnd day; the offseason moves and happenstances that made the bay area owner of zero NFL General Managers and various releases and moves the 9ers made to hopefully trudge us atop the NFL's Short Bus NFC West.

Part Two will be me talking that post-draft bullshit w/r/t the Niners.

KEY MOMENTS OF THE NFL OFFSEASON RELATING TO THE NINERS.

1. The Arizona Cardinals lose a shit ton of key players from their bite-sized run as NFC West big dog. Not just big dog of the NFC West, but the best NFC team in 2008.The biggest loss obviously being Kurt Warner, who held the duties of starting QB and postgame prayer leader in the most regal of manners. His loss also makes Alex Smith arguably the best starting QB in the West for fuck's sake. Leinart finally starts and loses a weapon in Anquan Boldin (though I think wth Fitz commanding double-teams, Breaston treating his fantasy owners nicely last year and Whisenhunt looking to implement a Steelers-style offense I don't think it's THAT big of a loss).

On defense they lose Antrel Rolle and Karlos Dansby, leaving more question marks for a defense that looked shaky against top-tier offenses in the playoffs. The Niners pounded those bastards with most of those former Cardinals in place last year and if this Niner team is for real they'd take that scent of blood as a sign to pounce. Who knows, Leinart might be the second-coming and they hold onto the division but the Niners need to continue progress. Crabtree gets a training camp and an offseason to learn, Smith finally reaches the sophomore year of learning an NFL playbook, Ahmad Brooks (3 sacks, 2 forced fumbles vs. Cardinals) and his late-season surge last year can hopefully translate to a full year as an effective pass-rusher, etc. etc. you get the picture.

2. Scot McCloughan steps down as 49ers GM five weeks before the draft. McCloughan was the Niners GM for the last three years and the VP of Player Personnel (second in command to goddamn Nolan) the three years previous. Before that, he helped construct a successful Seahawks and Green Bay teams with Mike Holmgren and Ron Wolf.

I've never had a problem with McCloughan and began drinking the kool-aid after he drafted Patrick Willis over Carriker and then reading this article by Michael Silver right after he drafted Crabtree.

I was pretty pissed initially about him leaving, but the front office just traded a 5th rounder for Ted Ginn, which basically improves our kick return game -- a return game that pleaded for a Bob Saget America's Funniest Home Videos voiceover. We don't really need a GM I guess. Trent Baalke has taken over drafting duties and by all accounts everyone already loves the shit out of him. Jed York is still the smug asshole lil Eddie D I've come to know and give a fuck about (sometimes annoyed, sometimes a thumbs up) and Paraag Marathe who is basically Jed's sidekick aka THE BRAINS. He believes in Football Outsiders metrics and manages the cap (No fucking problem there, Paraag). Round that out with a head coach who treats the players like a pastor at a halfway house, the three-headed monster seems like one I can support -- until the draft at least.

3. Acquisitions and Releases, but more importantly holding onto dudes like Ahmad Brooks and seeing the progress of undrafted free agent RT Aaron Boone. Boone wasn't drafted because of something that resembled a drinking problem, was straightened out on his first day in California by Mike Singletary and lost weight and gained speed in the offseason. He might never become a starter but fuck it if he isn't worth something this year with our stupidass o-line.
We also got Travis Laboy yesterday, and David Carr whose best asset to the team is luring his homeboy Chester Pitts to San Fran.

4. Vernon Davis was the curling captain of the US Olympic team. Not too notable, what's more important is that he finally got rid of his hairline dreads and streamlined that shit.

THE NARCISSIST