Thursday, November 19, 2009

They'll Win. They Have To . . . Right?

I am a hypercompetitive son of a bitch. It doesn't matter what I'm doing, I want to win. I would probably bean a six year old in a family softball game if I thought it gave my side the best chance to win. It is terrible but it is just the way it is. So you can imagine what being a fan of the Lions is like.

This week, the Lions play the Browns and I am excited because the Browns are fucking terrible. Now, a lot of people would get all high and mighty here and start yammering on about how it doesn't mean anything to beat a terrible team, blah blah blah, but fuck all that dumb noise. I would cheer and celebrate like a jackass if the Lions wailed on a team of legless half-retarded midgets. It wouldn't be pretty and you would find the whole ordeal reprehensible, but these are savage times and we cannot afford to be merciful to the weak and the stupid.

Of course, no one has been weaker or more stupid than the Lions have been for the last decade, so no one really has any reason to complain if we bash those waterbrained skulls in on Sunday. If the Browns are a team of legless half-retarded midgets, then the Lions are a team of armless, legless, fully retarded midgets. There is no honor here, no glory, just a bunch of shameful slap fighting that will end probably being embarrassing for both sides. But to hell with all that, somebody must win and we cannot afford to revel in the world of the prideful, because we are shorn of pride and bereft of dignity. We are in the muck, and we must drown everyone else stuck down here with us. It is horrible, it is vaguely obscene, but who cares? These are the things that we must do to slowly crawl out onto dry land.

We had one opportunity already, against the shittastic Rams, and we completely fucked that up, so this game isn't exactly a gimme. There will be all sorts of jokes about this being the Shitbowl or whatever, but this is what we are left with and we must drown our opponent in the toilet and suffocate him in the shit water or else he will do the same to us. It is ugly and it is wrong and it smells but we must be ruthless and terrible and without mercy.

The Lions have to win this game. There is no point in beating around that particular bush. If they lose, then it's 1-15 and a river of blood and tears. If they win, well . . . it's still pretty bad, but at least we won't be the shittiest team in the league. Progress! Furthermore, the Lions should win this game. I have only had one other opportunity to utter that sentence and the Lions fucked that game up, so who knows? Still, I would like to think that the word favored means something here.

The Browns are an atrocious team, just an abomination of a franchise with the stink of the circus all over them. They are this year's Lions, a franchise on the verge of utter collapse, with a fanbase that has degenerated into a bunch of feral werewolves, howling for blood, and a coach who seems completely overwhelmed by the whole debacle. It's a terrible scene, one that's impossible to escape from. It's a cyclone of failure that just sucks everyone inside and doesn't let them out until they are a thousand miles away from where they started and everyone's homes and cars are destroyed, their cows are mutilated and impaled on fence posts and there are gibbering lunatics crawling through the streets, naked and afraid, bleeding and bleating. The only humane, merciful thing you can do is put your boot on their already fractured skulls and stomp down as hard as you can. It is terrible and it is haunting, but, man, that is just not a place you want to be.

Who knows when that moment will come for the Browns? Some stranger will come along and put the final bullet or boot in their brain and then everyone can start to rebuild. It's probably a ways off still. Right now, they are still stuck somewhere in the middle of that horrible cyclone, and they don't know when they will be violently deposited into the street to be mercy killed. The only thing the Lions can do is to put their head down, dive into the cyclone, slap the Browns around a bit and get the fuck out.

The Lions have been there before. They know. They get it. There are some people in this world who would think that would inspire mercy and understanding. That is all bullshit. If anything, it should inspire righteous anger. Fuck the Browns for being there to remind us all of what went on last year. No one needs to remember that shit so vividly. The Lions should be enraged by having to confront the circus one more time. I hope they have it in them to burn all the tents down and lynch all the clowns. Shoot the ringmaster and pistol whip the elephants. This is not the time for mercy. This is the time to strike back at the fear and the terror that we all remember from last season. And after you're done, steal the clown car and speed the fuck out of there.

Things are so bad in Cleveland right now that Eric Mangini, the genius behind all this madness, has openly appealed for LeBron James to join the team. How fucking ridiculous is that? Why not get Shaquille O'Neal to play left tackle while you're at it? He's 900 pounds. He'll protect the shit out of your quarterback. And hell, you need a quarterback too. Call the Indians, see if they have a pitcher available. At least they'll have a good arm.

Good Lord. The only thing the Browns have going for them offensively is Joshua Cribbs and his neck is all fucked up and he hasn't been able to practice this week. Well, so much for that, I suppose. They are also struggling with injury along the offensive line, as tackle John St. Clair is questionable with a bum shoulder. That wouldn't be a huge issue if it wasn't for the fact that the Browns HAVE NO BACKUP TACKLES. I mean, holy shit, really? How do you get yourself in that position? Shit, maybe they will call Shaq after all.

Of course, they still have the golden arm of Brady Quinn to lean on. Wait, that's not gold, his arm is just covered in piss. My mistake. Quinn is just awful but it's not like they can replace him. They tried that shit already and it led to Derek Anderson being somehow EVEN WORSE. GOOD LORD! What a shit storm. Things are so bad that Eric Steinbach was forced to bust out the I'M NOT WORRIED AFTER ALL WE'RE ALL PROFESSIONALS sound bite, which is code for THIS THING IS FUCKED AND NOBODY KNOWS WHAT THEY ARE DOING. Remember, Lions fans have extreme experience with these sorts of things. We are professional losers, after all.

Defensively, the Browns aren't quite as hapless, but they could give up 45 points a game and that would still be the case. They've only held opponents to under 20 points twice all season. The first time was against Buffalo, whose offense is the only one on the planet almost as bad as Cleveland's. The second time was against Baltimore just this past Monday night. They only gave up 16 points, but it was enough to make them lose by 16 points. Not good.

Our old friend Shaun Rogers should be able to clog the middle and keep Kevin Smith from running wild - if he gives a fuck anyway. That's not always the case with Rogers as we all know and not so fondly remember. Meanwhile, Matthew Stafford should be able to throw the ball on Cleveland's defense, and Calvin Johnson has a definite advantage over cornerback Eric Wright.

This game will be ugly as fuck and everyone involved should be ashamed of themselves. But someone has to win, and it might as well be the Lions. Then again, the Lions were routed in the preseason by the Browns. Thankfully, as we have come to know and resent, the preseason is absolutely fucking meaningless. The Lions should win. Fuck it, I am saying they will win. If they lose, then MY GOD. It will be howling in the streets and Drano smoothies for everyone.


1. Matthew Stafford will have a big game, throwing the ball 40 times, completing 28 passes for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns. He won't throw an interception for the second game in a row. After the game, Brady Quinn will charge him in a jealous rage, only to trip over his own feet. He will lay sobbing on the field while his own teammates ignore him.

2. Kevin Smith will have a middling day, rushing for 70 yards on 20 carries. His backups will have a slightly better day in terms of yards per carry and I will once again fret and moan about Smith as the feature back.

3. Calvin Johnson will have a huge game, catching 12 passes for 155 yards and two touchdowns. Bold? Crazy? Maybe both? Who cares? Who are any of you mere mortals to doubt St. Calvin? The dude can travel through time.

4. Brady Quinn will throw for 75 yards even against the terrible Lions secondary and after picking himself up off the field following his sobfest, he will be dumped into Lake Erie, causing the Browns to be fined for improperly disposing of toxic waste.

5. After the game, Eric Mangini will try desperately to convince Jim Brown to come out of retirement. Brown will slap Mangini around and Mangini will be forced to sign Maurice Clarett instead.

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: Lions 31, Browns 10

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