Thursday, November 19, 2009
FINAL SHOWDOWN: JAMARCUS VS THE UFL
And now, the final act. Sure, I could try comparing Jamarcus Russell to high school or college QBs, but then I would be guilty of beating a dead horse. Instead the Jamarcus vs The World bus ride of doom ends tonight against the merest of opponent in the form of the 4 team United Football League. The UFL is basically the Arena League if the Arena League played on a full sized field and was boring. The death of the Arena League left a void for many fringe NFLers who were able to count on earning a paycheck while sharpening their skills in hopes of getting another crack at the big time. Quite a few players got to the Arena League and liked it so much that they made a career of it and simply stayed there. Then a bunch of idiots decided to Thelma and Louise the economy off a cliff and the AFL went bye bye. The UFL doesn't seem to take itself too seriously, which is good because their product is kinda shitty to watch. The real question is this: Is it shittier than Jamarcus Russell? Let's find out...
Las Vegas Locomotives (or LOCOS, if you will)
JP Losman: Kind of a dickhead, Losman found himself with no suitors after his career in Buffalo fizzled out. He rubs teammates, coaches, fans, waterboys and the media the wrong way due to his unfounded cockiness. Now he's in the UFL, making the best of a bad situation and looking to get back into the NFL after his season is over. For the season he's got 9 TDs and 2 picks, which is downright Godlike when compared to J. Reezey. Even his NFL #s were superior. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS
Russ Michna: Football vagabond who has been a practice player for the Rams, an AFLer and a CFLer. Has no stats, and has no apparent strengths or weaknesses. Still, I've always thought the old "the devil you know is better than the devil you don't know" mode of thinking is a load of shit. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS
Tim Rattay: Briefly was the starting QB for the 49ers before he bounced around the NFL. While in the NFL he threw more TDs than picks and completed 60% of his passes. Down side is he went 5-13 as a starter. The numbers don't lie. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.
Shane Boyd: Running back posing as a QB. Not very accurate. Not very good. SAME AS JAMARCUS
Mike McMahon: A man our own Neil is more than familiar with. NFL career competion % of 44.5. 15 TDs vs 21 picks. Career rating of 55.1. His UFL #s are remarkably similar to his NFL #s. The word "gutsy" has been used to describe Mike, which all of us know is really code speak for "white guy who tries really hard but sucks". Still, I prefer that to Jamarcus, which is code speak for "fat ass black dude who sucks and doesn't give a fuck and gets paid a shit ton of money". MARGINALLY BETTER THAN JAMARCUS
Liam O'Hagan: Sounds more like a WWF villain from the 80's than a Harvard grad playing 3rd string in an obscure football league. Still, dude went to an Ivy League school which means he can read a playbook. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS
Brooks Bollinger: I never trust anyone who has either a last name for a first name or a first name for a last name. It's gotten me this far in life and I'll be damned if I'm going to change course now. Showed some flashes with the Jets but ultimately ended up being a clipboard jockey. Is putting up monster stats in the UFL and seems to understand the whole "COMPLETE A FORWARD PASS" thing that Jamarcus can't grasp. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS
Chris Greisen: NFL washout who spent a lot of time in the AFL and NFL Europe back when there was still such a thing. Put up decent #s in relief. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS
And lastly, the New York Sentinels
CJ Bacher: Has no bio or jersey number. Jamarcus wins this one by default. WORSE THAN JAMARCUS
Quinn Gray: Former Jaguar who has bounced around. I remember him having a 300 yard game against the Raiders when Garrard was hurt. Not doing too well in the UFL, but he's still more efficient than Jamarcus. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.
Ingle Martin: Huh. The Denver Broncos have him listed on their roster too. Well, if he's better than Jamarcus in the NFL he's better than him in the UFL. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.
BREAKING NEWS: BRIAN BROHM ADDED TO THE BUFFALO BILLS ROSTER
Brohm was Green Bay's second rounder last year. After failing to beat out 7th rounder Matt Flynn for the backup job he was waived at the end of preseason this year and ended up on the Packers practice squad. That's a long way to fall for a guy thought to be the next coming of Drew Brees by many draft idiots. So now he's going to be holding a clipboard for the horrible Bills. Well, at least Green Bay saw that they made a mistake and actually DID SOMETHING ABOUT IT by cutting his ass. He has yet to throw an NFL pass, and if he did he couldn't be any worse than Jamarcus. SAME AS JAMARCUS.
So there it is. It takes a rare, special form of idiot to out-suck Jamarcus Russell. Pray that none of the handful of people worse than Jamarcus end up running your offense.