Thursday, November 19, 2009

5 Keys to Redskins Ultimate Victory

Let me just clarify right now I hate every fucking thing. My escape from reality is momentary at best and I don't even have change left in the fucking wine jar in the corner of the living room by the 80 pound piece of white quartzite, so when the Redskins suck, it takes away one of my few escapes. And when the owner is a dumbass yet wildly rich, and I'm climbing into dumpsters behind multiple grocery stores to feed my fucking pigs and chickens with, and picking out the proper shit for my own goddamned family because it is now almost winter so even if something was in the dumpster for a few hours, it probably didn't go bad because it's too cold outside, and I feel like I'm smart enough to not be so stupid, then it makes me hate Dan Snyder even more. My bad bro. Not your fault I was born poor cursed with bad genetics. But when you buy a professional football team, this type of senseless hatred from far below you on the socio-economic ladder comes with the territory. But I digress.
Let's pretend I fucking won the super lottery where I was made dude-and-a-half of the free world and had alien arab money where I could buy a quarter of Africa plus that cold part of Chile at the bottom tip where penguins chill in the jungle. Well, here are the 5 things I would change about the Redskins, big picture sense, because quibbling over the minutiae is too internetty and white, and though I am a white dude inside the internets, I am also a doomed hopeless broken broke ass piece of white trash, thus I'm going to pretend to not be all that, which means I have to pretend to not be all internetty and white dudey as well. So here is what I would do.

#1: EMBRACE REDSKIN HERITAGE! If you're gonna have a mildly racist team name, educate motherfuckers about it. I saw a western once (or it might've been Billy Jack actually) where they buried the dead on a stilted platform for the buzzards to eat to recycle the spirit of the dead indian. I would, on a fun level, put such platforms in the mezzanines of the stadium and put dummies of famous team members of your upcoming opponents or hated rivals on those platforms, all dead looking and shit, to rile up the fanbase, and learn them redskin customs. On a more serious level, I would build four of those platforms up top of the stadium, like where the lights are, and put dummy carcasses up there as well, symbolic from the team you're playing, but with real meat all over it and inside, so that for-real vultures fly in and chew at the fake corpses and hang out at the top of the stadium and shit. You think the Redskins defense is good now? Have fucking vultures hanging out. Shit, if real live vultures were picking through effigies of John Elway and that light-skinned black guy who was WR for Denver for like 37 years last weekend, Kyle Orton would've "sprained" his ankle a lot sooner.

#2: MORE UNIFORMS! I know the NFL has rules on how much you can wear your extra bullshit, but they also have rules where they want you to sell as much shit to your dumbass fans as possible. Skins never wear burgundy jerseys with white pants at home games, until last weekend, and they won like a miracle. I would just straight up be like 3 strikes you're out when it came to uniform combos, and switch it regularly. That way, you have a run to the Super Bowl or win 9 straight with your burgundy jersey/yellow pants/translucent helmet with a spear on the side, you save it for an important occasion. Those yellow helmets with the R in a circle and the yellow pants and white jerseys with the thick red stripes on the sleeve are the pimpest shit they wore in my lifetime, and they lost an important game against the Giants in them and refuse to wear them again. I can dig it. Turn the yellow black and brick it back. Do something. Like the NFL gives a fuck if somebody has 39 different variations of a Chris Cooley jersey to want to buy.

#3: RICH DUDE SIDE BETS! NFL ownership is made to be such a business move, which unfortunately attracts business-minded cocksuckers like Jerry Jones and Dan Snyder. I would straight up mandate that every game, the owners have to wager at least $500,000 between each other, and they share a luxury box with like three seconds (or a second, a third, and a fourth would be more appropriate I guess), and there's a camera on them the whole time. Playoff games or division games, bet at least a million, plus one player each, of agreeable value, with an arbitrator on-call to handle bad player bets (for Al Davis types).

#4: BURY THE LOMBARDI TROPHIES! No shit, I know the Redskins won three Super Bowls, because I see the trophies every time you fucking sign another free agent or make a draft pick or bring in a new coach or change the naming rights of the stadium or announce a retirement or anything really. I'm not sure they even have an actual trophy case for the Redskins Lombardi trophies or they just keep them on a gurney in a protective case and wheel them around to wherever Dan Snyder wants them to be seen at. Well, in this pretend world where I have the riches to achieve my dreams, and I buy this team, first thing I do in the off-season is have John Riggins drive a back-hoe into the middle of the field with all the Hogs standing around, and dig a whole right at the 50 yard line, deep as the bucket will go, and drop all three of the trophies into the ground, unprotected, cover them up, that's it. We re-sod the field and say we ain't pulling them back out until there's another one to make a balanced set of four. We paint the Redskins logo back on the middle of the field and for every decade we don't get another trophy (about four years away from a second decade of no Super Bowl), we paint a black teardrop under the Indian's eye, like that '70s trash commercial, but also to attract back the urban thug demographic who could understand and see something different in that tattoo teardrop. Old Redskins owner George Marshall was a notorious racist who refused to integrate the team, and because of that, many area negroes root for the Cowboys out of spite. With the dead effigies of our enemies and circling vultures combined with a heavy thug negro presence, Redskins home field advantage could be immense.

#5: THERE IS NO FIFTH THING! I am going to go masturbate outside under the stars even though there are no stars or meteor showers tonight because there's for-real rain drizzle, but I'm gonna go out there and lay in the grass and masturbate towards the heavens, and I will feel good to my soul because fuck it, my life is doomed, I suck and will never be shit, and my kids, as great as they seem, are stuck with at least 50% my genetics. But if the Redskins beat the Cowboys this weekend, it's all good. Shit, they don't even have to beat them. Lavar Arrington is a lifelong Redskin, not because he won Super Bowls or was a smart dude or anything, but because he concussed Troy Aikman out of football. Albert Haynesworth stomped on that one Cowboy dude's face years ago. Bring that beat back. Fucking beat the shit out of them, rape Tony Romo's boyfriend, and dip your dicks in Jerry Jones bottle of Botox when he's not looking. If their practice facility falls in again and crushed the whole team to death, I pray to god that the NFL doesn't cancel the game so that we can beat their practice squad fill-ins 42 to 13. Yeah, we could score fucking 42 points against a second team of Cowboys hastily put together after a devastating tragedy that will be the subject of self-important ESPN documentaries in a few years, without a fucking problem. Fuck you Cowboys.

No comments: