Monday, October 5, 2009

Life's Routine (Or how the Bears will always be better than the Lions no matter how bad the Bears suck dicks)

When I moved to the Big Apple (New York City fyi), I thought every day would bring a new adventure. Everything is so random here. It's not like Iowa or wherever you people are from. Like, I know you guys probably think I'm better than you, but I'm really not. We all put our dungarees on one leg at a time you know? My dungarees just happen to be a little more in stlye than yours. No big whoop.
Well guys, I am sad to report that I think I've fallen into a routine. No matter when I leave the house, I end up on the subway train in the morning, and even when I leave work I end up on the same train! I see the same bums asking me for change every day and they fail to catch on that I would never give them change. I figured they'd get the hint because I put my SARS mask thing on everytime I come near one because I don't want to catch bum disease. All bums have rabies at the very least and that's scientific fact. The other day, the bum that's usually stationed at Popeye's asked me for change again. When he asks for change he says "Hey Papi" or "Hey Mami" depending on the sex of the person he is asking, and as usual I said no. Well, I don't really say no, I've invented a hand gesture that is my new way of saying "no thanks" to everyone. So I give him the hand gesture and he started making animal noises! That is not a part of his every day routine! I was caught off guard and inspired to make small changes in my own life. Who knew a vagrant could inspire you to do things? It's unfortunate that no one can inspire them to get jobs or medicine for their various mental illnesses and 1800s Oregon Trail diseases.
Now I just needed a place to start. Well, I knew the perfect place to start! the Subway! you see, there is this girl that takes the same train as me at the same time every day and we line up in the same spot because you want to get off your stop in a position that brings you closest to your specific exit. We unfortunately do not get off at the same stop, but I guess we have the same preference for being close to subway exits. This girl, the one I'm talking about, looks like Jennifer Love Hewitt but with a way nicer ass. Her fashion sense leaves a little to be desired but I think it's just because we're just getting off of work you know? Though I've seen her dressed for casual Fridays and she kind of looked like an asshole, but seriously, she could wear fucking orthopedic shoes and a lime green polyester pants suit and it wouldn't matter. She is smoking hot.
From my knowledge, it is very rude to hit on women in the subway, because there is no escape. You are not on fair playing grounds so you are just being a mega creep, so needless to say I never say shit to her, even though I see her every day and we stand 6 inches away from each other (but i wont lie, a lot of the time I'll stand behind her just to look at her ass), but there's lines we just cannot cross. Then I thought of a plan!
I calmly walked up to her and said "Hey you look like a reader and possibly also a sports fan, here is my business card" I handed her my Armchair Linebacker business card. She took a quick glance at it and looked back up at me and said "oh my god I love this website! I should have known you were a professional blogger! You look like a blogger!" Once she said that, my body turned cold and I may have shit my pants a little. I ran away as fast as I could (which is not fast) because I don't want to look like a professional blogger. To me, this means I am fat and pasty and I might even have a pencil thin dirstache that I don't know about, or even worse, Acne! Oh god guys, I ran so fast up those fucking stairs and I'm never taking that train home again. I now have to take like 3 trains home and it takes an hour and a half just because I never want to see her again because I'm so embarrassed. I mean, she checks this website so she's probably reading this right now and laughing to herself at how she broke my heart into millions of pieces.
Now I really have to change my routine. No more eating buckets of fried chicken on Sundays. No more drinking thousands of beers. I don't want to be a fat blogger anymore. I want Jennifer Love Hewitt to fall in love with me. I don't even know what kinds of alcohol have 0 calories??? Is there even such a thing? How do you maintain a good buzz without the intake of calories? Can I just drink a beer and force myself to puke after each one? Will that help me lose weight? I'm so fucked. I don't even want to think about what I'm supposed to eat besides fried chicken.
Long story short, as of 8am this morning, I'm completely sober now and I've been peeling the skin off my fried chicken throughout the day, and I've made an appointment to go tanning. Little steps. I'm thinking of plastic surgery too just in case me looking like a blogger means I have a Jew nose. I've been strolling through the Jewier parts of Brooklyn and analyzing Jew noses just to make sure I don't have one, but I'm not sure. I can't believe 'm doing all of this for a dumb girl I used to take the subway with but I really want to love her and for her to love me and I don't want her to be ashamed to introduce me to her friends and parents because I look like a blogger. I want to look like whatever she wants me to look like, as long as I don't look like a blogger. I want my new routine to be taking body shots of diet beer off of Jennifer Love Hewitt and sharing a bucket of unfried chicken with her on Sundays instead of sitting alone laying in a puddle of grease and vomit on the floor trying to pay attention to football but I can't because my eyes are too crossed to see the TV (Don't worry, this isn't entirely from drinking. It's from my new medication. It's one of the side effects. I think).
My last week of caloric freedom was spent being worried for a total of 5 minutes that the Lions would maybe beat the Bears but then I remembered they were the fucking Lions and the Bears are a real football team. Also my chicken arrived early and that always changes my mood. I worked out this new trick where I drink beer through a straw because it saves time between bites of chicken (but I guess this is useless now huh?). They may be a real mediocre and confusing football team but they are a football team none the less. I think the final score was like 84-20 so we don't even need to speak about this in depth. Cutler had an awesome touchdown run that could very well be the Bears first highlight reel play that isn't an interception or kick return in close to 10 years. As much as the Bears aren't that great and probably won't win the Super Bowl, and their defense is retarded bad now, this is the proudest I've ever been to be a Bears fan. Unfortunately, this is the least proudest I've ever been to be associated with blogging. Next week, the Bears play the Falcons. Their first real challenge since the Packers and that game doesn't even count because Cutler must have ate some bad weed in that first game because he played like an asshole. I will stick to my 15-1 prediction though, so expect another Bears win. I'll be on vacation anyway, but I'll pretend that I watched football on Sunday and write about it for you guys. I love you Jennifer Love Hewitt. We can be married someday. I promise this.

1 comment:

Raven Mack said...