Thursday, October 29, 2009

Ali vs. Frazier . . . If They Fought Right Now, Anyway. Maybe.

Such a noble beast. Well, except for the part where he shits on the ground in front of company. But, we can't all be perfect. Clearly, he is a man of the people and not an elitist.

Finally, we get a chance to fumigate this wretched shithole we have been stuck in ever since the Lions took a big fat dump in the middle of Lambeau Field almost two weeks ago. I am sick of wallowing in the mucky shitwaters of failure. We spent all of last season completely drowning in it, and for the last decade, we have wept and screamed in agony as it has gotten in our mouths, up our nostrils and in our eyes. Everything about us stinks of old shit and it is terrible and it was, uh, well, it wasn't a whole lot of fun to have the Packers come along and push our heads beneath the surface once again. Thankfully, this week, we have the Rams coming to town and lucky for us, they are currently wallowing in this terrible ocean of dirty sadness along with us, only they are even more helpless. So, being the cruel and opportunistic assholes that we are, we must step on their heads in order to rise above the filthy muck, pushing them further and further into this hellish sewer of despair while we get closer and closer to the shore and sweet relief.

Okay, so that was kind of disturbing, but what the hell, we have suffered mightily in the wasteland of Lions fandom and these are the things that happen. We cannot be squeamish and pretend that they are not there, because that would be cowardly and we are gentlemen in our hearts and champions in our souls and we can face these things like the proud warriors we are.

Anyway, this week it is indeed the St. Louis Rams who are coming to town, and in the great failure relay race of life, they have taken the baton from the Lions and have stumbled around, pissing and shitting themselves while spectators laugh and the other competitors mercilessly run them over. They are a horrible team and if there is one thing that I know, it is horrible teams. My own shitbird of a team lost 19 games in a row before finally slapping around the embarrassing Redskins earlier this season. The Rams are closing in on that number, sitting at 17, and even though I feel for their beaten fans' pain, it is my sincere hope that they go into next week with that number bumped up to 18. I am sorry, but these are terrible times and we cannot afford to be merciful to the weak and the stupid.

Okay, fine, the Lions are the weak and the stupid, but at this point we are just kind of like a mildly retarded dude who works as a janitor at a box factory and eats a sack lunch with the crusts cut off, sweetly ignoring all the rest of the assholes who mock him behind his back. Meanwhile, the Rams are a drooling wreck who have to wear a diaper and who break out in tears at random intervals and try to eat the fingers of the nurses who have the grotesque job of feeding them. We are Lenny Small or Forrest Gump, loveable retards who might even appear functional at times. There is no hope for the Rams and they should probably just put those poor bastards down, but everyone is all about being humane these days.

Look, this game will likely be brutal to watch, a collection of dumbassery and pants shitting that would make that fucker Corky weep in embarrassed pain. But the thing about Lenny Small is that he is strong as hell and Forrest Gump is fast as fuck. We will be able to do some things against the Rams, because occasionally we can even blend into polite society. The Rams on the other hand are hopeless. They make our brand of retards look like Nobel winners.

Offensively, there are questions for the Lions, but that is because lately there are always questions. These are not questions of quality, but rather questions of health. If all of our guys are good to go, we should have no problems with these turds. Matthew Stafford is a top level talent who has shown rapid growth early in his career. Calvin Johnson is a time traveling Superman who was possibly the model for Dr. Manhattan. Kevin Smith is a quality starting running back and for the first time all season he should get a chance to maul a lousy defense for a billion yards. Unfortunately, so far this season, each of those sterling dudes has had injury issues. Smith is healthy, but he fucked up his shoulder earlier this season and he hasn't looked all that good for the most part. Stafford's knee cap told him to fuck off and he has been sidelined for the last two games. St. Calvin's knee also decided to take a sabbatical and he missed all of the Green Bay game and most of the Pittsburgh game. Smith will go and it wouldn't surprise me if he was the focus of the offense. And that's because Stafford is still iffy and it's looking more and more like St. Calvin will be stuck on the sidelines once again, probably composing sonnets.

With St. Calvin out, the Lions passing game suddenly starts to look kinda shitty. They should still have plenty of success against the terrible St. Louis pass defense, but I can see Jim Schwartz and Scott Linehan just saying fuck it, and giving the ball to the comparatively healthy Smith over and over and over again. I mean, why not? The St. Louis run defense hasn't been quite as awful as the pass defense, but Smith still should be able to move the ball effectively on the ground. If he can't run on this team, well . . . then things aren't looking so hot for the Lions running game. It's possible that we will get a boost here from Jon Jansen, who it looks like might be starting at left guard from now on. I'm cool with this. Jansen has a ton of starting experience and his big problem was that he was getting smoked by pass rushers at tackle, so why not try him at guard? Maybe it will extend his career a couple of seasons and maybe it will give the Lions a semi-competent starter at the position for a change.

Even if Smith gets the bulk of the work in this game, I can still see Stafford lighting the Rams' shittastic secondary up fairly often. Even without Calvin Johnson to throw to, Stafford should be able to move the ball down the field just like everybody else has against the Rams this season. Bryant Johnson and Dennis Northcutt aren't exactly world beaters, but they are certainly good enough to beat the collection of simps and waterheads who patrol the back end of the Rams' defense. I also wouldn't be surprised to see the Lions try to get Brandon Pettigrew going underneath in this game.

The other side of the ball is another matter entirely. The Lions suck, and it's not because they are injured. Sure, there are some injury issues, especially along the defensive line, but the defense's problems rest almost entirely in the secondary, where a collection of stiffs has made me have epic flashbacks to old ass Brian Kelly getting his mummified corpse beat on every other play last season. Anthony Henry has been so bad that the coaches have dropped him down to the scout team and Phillip Buchanon has been so frustrating that he is currently stuck battling DeMarcus Faggins for a starting job opposite the renowned William James. Things, uh, well, they're not so great here.

Thankfully, the Rams can't pass the ball. Marc Bulger no longer has the remains of the old great Rams offenses to prop him up, and with legends like Donnie Avery, Keenan Burton and Danny Amendola to throw to, Bulger isn't exactly setting the world on fire. Still, it wouldn't surprise me if the Rams can frustratingly move the ball through the air a bit against the Lions, because, really, a retarded baboon could light up the Detroit secondary.

The one good player the Rams still have is Steven Jackson. Jackson has actually had a pretty good season so far despite being stuck in the middle of an apocalypse. He should be able to run the ball against the Lions defense, but I doubt he'll run wild. The Detroit run defense has actually managed to hold it together for the most part this season. They are only 20th in the league against the run, but they have given up a lot of long runs which sort of distort that stat. I know that sounds stupid, but stay with me here. For the most part, the Lions have been able to bottle up opposing ball carriers. No one this season has been able to rip off six or seven yards at a consistent pop, slowly marching the team down the field or anything like that, which is what you usually associate with a bad rush defense. Instead, the Lions have been struck by the idiot stick a few too many times and running backs have exploded for big plays after being stuffed time and time again. It happened with Matt Forte, it happened with Rashard Mendenhall and it even happened with Adrian Peterson. None of those dudes really controlled the game, and their final numbers were inflated by one or two big plays that sandwiched a sea of nothing.

If the defense can keep Jackson from breaking a couple of big plays, the Lions should be able to stuff him at the line fairly regularly. And even if he does manage to bust a couple, it is unlikely that the Rams will be able to consistently move the ball enough on the ground to sustain drives. They will probably find themselves in a lot of 2nd and 8s, and with their shitty passing game, I can see the Lions shutting them down a lot more often than I can see the Rams defense shutting the Lions offense down.

We have to win this game. We just have to. To lose now, to the Rams, would be fucking embarrassing and would have everyone freaking out and throwing flaming bags of shit at their neighbors once again. A terrible thing, just awful, and none of us need to relive that ridiculous bullshit. We are coming off of a disastrous performance against Green Bay and everyone's confidence is kind of shaken. We are still hopeful, but there is a dark fear in our eyes now and we have taken to muttering and shaking our heads. When we beat the Rams, a chunk of that will dissipate and float gently away and we can get back to being excited about the future again. As always, I am hopeful, because I am an optimist and a gentleman. We have suffered much, but so did Indiana Jones, and in the end, he saved the day and banged a bunch of different chicks, even as he became old and senile. The point? There is hope, even for the foolish and the deranged. That is enough for me.


1. Kevin Smith will be the focal point of the offense, rushing 30 times for 155 yards and two touchdowns. After the game, he makes up for his previous shunning of Ernie Sims' monkey by donating his salary for the game towards the building of a habitat for run away and at risk monkeys. He is hailed as a model philanthropist and is honored by Congress.

2. Matthew Stafford will go 15-23 for 206 yards and two touchdowns. After the game, he will have an emotional reunion with his kneecap, which the cameras lovingly capture until things become a little too, uh, heated and uncomfortable and FOX has to cut away in order to avoid fines from the FCC.

3. Steven Jackson rushes 25 times for 96 yards and a touchdown. After the game, Sammie Lee Hill and Grady Jackson get into a brawl when they can't decide which one of them gets to feast on Jackson's detached leg.

4. Marc Bulger throws the ball 25 times, completing 15 passes for 187 yards. He is sacked three times and throws two interceptions to go with one touchdown. After the game, he is found weeping and alone, naked in the shower, staring at a group photo of him, Torry Holt, Orlando Pace, Isaac Bruce, and Marshall Faulk with Mike Martz

5. Calvin Johnson once again doesn't play, and after the game it is revealed that he is sitting out on purpose. When asked why, he claims that he is teaching humanity a lesson. They need to learn to solve their own problems instead of relying upon him and his otherworldly powers. One reporter scoffs at the idea that St. Calvin is superhuman, and so Calvin turns him into a small chicken, which is then devoured by Grady Jackson, still hungry after being forced to split Steven Jackson's leg with Sammie Lee Hill. St. Calvin then goes back in time and writes a play based on the incident which is credited to Shakespeare, a comedy titled A Fowl Feast. It is renowned for its groundbreaking use of the fart joke.

PREDICTED FINAL SCORE: Lions 31, Rams 17. Okay, so I had to go back a day later and add this to my post because I realized that I forgot to predict a final score for the second straight week, and since this is a general preview post, and since the natural climax of a preview post is a concrete prediction of a final score, I figured I would tack it on here. Honestly, even as I was writing all that other dumb bullshit yesterday, I had that final score in my head and I just assumed I would include it, but I didn't, so I guess I am a dumb asshole, but, hell, who isn't these days?

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