Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Well, This Was Just Sad

I wonder if this dude ever saw visions of Matt Millen. I assume he would have just chalked them up to severe migraines and then drank until he forgot the disturbing images which had just haunted his weird ass brain. Who knows? Someone get the History Channel on this, or perhaps Ken Burns.

Well, as predictions go, these certainly were, well, some predictions, I suppose. The one key lesson that we can learn from all of this is that I am an idiot and not to be trusted when it comes to these sorts of things, especially when they come in the midst of a full on desperation fever dream or whatever the hell it was that caused me to hallucinate and spew out these idiot predictions. As always, I blame the Lions and the years of torment that go along with being a fan of that shameful team. You would think that I would learn, but, well, here we are and here we go.

Prediction #1

What I Said: Kevin Smith is largely ineffective running the ball. He still manages to gain around 100 yards total thanks to screen passes and he scores a touchdown.

What Actually Happened: Miraculously, Smith somehow managed to run the ball against the Williams Wall better than just about anyone has over the last few seasons. He carried the ball 24 times for 83 yards and added 2 catches for 10 yards. He also failed to score and had a costly fumble which led to a Vikings touchdown immediately after. So, I pretty much bombed on this one. Smith was fairly effective running the ball, which is kind of amazing given that he managed 20 yards last week and was going up against the top rushing defense in all the land this week. Maybe Manny Ramirez kicked ass at left guard in place of Daniel Loper. I don't know. What I do know is that the only part of this terrible prediction that I got even nearly right was the yardage. I mean, 93 is close enough to 100. We'll forget all about the part where I said he would get most of that on screen passes and move on, okay?

Prediction #2

What I Said: Adrian Peterson runs for 150 yards and a touchdown. He also fumbles once.

What Actually Happened: Peterson ran for 92 yards on only 15 carries and scored a touchdown. He also fumbled once. Okay, so I was a little off on the yardage. But, man, I feel like I kind of called this one. The Lions mostly kept Peterson in check, stuffing him up the middle all game long. He managed to break a few to the outside on bounce outs thanks to shitty containment and poor tackling, but he did lose a fumble, which was a costly one near the beginning of the game. And, yeah, he did score a touchdown, so, fuck it, break out the party hats and the booze, it's candy and blowjobs for everyone! Okay, maybe not, but as a Lions fan I get so little, let me bask in kind of getting a stupid little prediction half right.

Prediction #3

What I Said: Matthew Stafford calms down and throws for two touchdowns, around 300 yards and one interception.

What Actually Happened:
Okay, put away the party hats. Keep the booze though. So, uh, I kind of fucked this one up, yeah? Stafford threw for 152 yards along with a touchdown and 2 interceptions. And, let's be honest here, he had to throw the shit out of the ball after the game was basically over just to get above 100 yards. To be fair, though, I still put a lot of the blame for this fiasco on the coaches for their game plan. See my post immediately following the game for more detailed ranting and raving.

Prediction #4

What I Said: Brett Favre continues to struggle, but still manages around 200 yards thanks to a couple of big plays, throws two touchdowns and also two interceptions.

What Actually Happened:
Jesus. This is just getting stupid now. (Yeah, yeah, I can almost hear you saying to yourself "Now?" Why must you say such things? Are you trying to hurt me?) Anyway, Favre went 23-27 for 155 yards, 2 touchdowns and 0 interceptions. WELL I GOT THE NUMBER OF TOUCHDOWNS RIGHT, DIDN'T I??? Ahem, sorry. This was hilariously wrong on just about every count. Favre played well and extremely efficiently. He never had one big play but he didn't really make any mistakes either. He just dinked his way down the field and the Lions sat there and missed tackles after little four yard hitches and we all wept and cast greedy eyes towards the spot under the sink where the drain cleaner sits. A horrible thing, just horrible.
Prediction #5

What I Said: Calvin Johnson has around 150 yards receiving and a touchdown. After the game Brad Childress kneels before him and kisses his hand, begging forgiveness for daring to oppose his magnificence.

What Actually Happened:
I laughed, I cried, and then I contemplated joining a traveling circus. Oh, you mean in the game? Well, CJ caught 5 passes for 51 yards and a touchdown. So, I was off by just a hair, a hair being the accepted equivalent of a hundred yards. St. Calvin did score a touchdown though, and should have had closer to 100 yards if that bullshit illegal cut block call wasn't made on that one long pass where he and Matt Stafford both looked like genius giants in the land of the retarded midgets.(You don't know how dangerously close you were to being subjected just now to a whole weird thing with Smurfs and that degenerate Gargamel. Just be thankful I thought better of it and let's move on.) It was a less than saint like game from CJ, but again, this was not his fault. The coaches apparently felt it appropriate to never throw the ball deep and to send Calvin on intermediate routes for the majority of the game. Look, I understand the need to get the ball into his hands as often as possible, and it's easier to do that the closer he is to the quarterback. But, you've got a quarterback with a bazooka for an arm and an 8 foot tall receiver who runs a 2.6 40 and once choked out Superman at a house party when Superman got drunk and pissed in the pool. Not cool, Superman. Not cool. Anyway, maybe it would be a good idea to try to throw it to that guy deep at least once. It's just a thought. Revolutionary, I know, but the forward pass is indeed a viable weapon these days. It's true. As for the last part of the prediction, I can't say for sure whether or not Brad Childress genuflected in front of St. Calvin after the game was over, but we will assume that this happened because we are optimists and because, really, how could he not?

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