Tuesday, September 22, 2009
I don't hate the Bears anymore
Ok guys listen, I know I said I'd only write on Sundays but it turns out other people here write about the Bears and I don't want to look like some kind of half-a-fag who can't get his shit together, but I promise you...I, PROMISE, YOU! I will only write once a week. I'm not fucking Bill Simmons (That's a sports guy right) over here. So now I will have to make time in my busy schedule to write at some point once a week. This is tough, because when I'm not at work, I'm usually boning down on women, and even sometimes at work I'm boning down on women. Actually right now I am taking a three hour break from screwing because if I try and go again, I will cum powder. FOR REAL!
So I know I said I wouldn't watch the Bears game, and i didn't mean to, but here's what happened. I turned on the dicksuck Jets vs. cocksuck Patriots game for lack of anything better to watch, and I somehow drank myself into a coma within 45 minutes. No need for high fives guy. When I woke up, the Bears game was miraculously on my TV and it was the 2nd quarter and they weren't losing by 48 points yet!
Long story short, THEY WON! Now I am like every other Bears fan who really hates the Bears when they lose but I swear they are the best team when they win. I should note, I'm not like that weird subculture of internet Bears fan that openly fantasize on message boards how awesome it would be if every single player on the Bears was white and pure (Hey what's up John Dawson!).
It was weird watching someone in a Bears uniform play like a real NFL quarterback no matter how high he was. I have never seen that in my lifetime, and I've seen some weird shit in my life. I've had sex with triplets who only had one tit each and then one girl who had three tits!
Anyway, I built this machine that predicts how the Bears will do through the rest of the season, and here's what came out:
If they keep playing like they are: 13-3
If they let Matt Forte actually run the ball every once in a while: 15-1
Is Urlacher has his arm severed, replaced with a bionic arm and is back in the starting lineup next week: 32-1
Unfortunately, the outcome in all three scenarios is that they make the playoffs and lose to the Saints and then I kill myself because losing to the Saints in the post season is way worse than going 9-7 like every other Bears season.
Next up for the Bears are the Seahawks, Whom I think Are either some kind of experimental minor league NFL team or even a soccer team from England. Either way, whatever! GO Bears!