Here are some Bears.
Look, I know that this blog's dedicated followers (which are mostly just the other dudes who write for it, best I can tell) are just dying to read an in-depth breakdown of the rest of the 2009 Chicago Bears, but there's one more day till the end of the offseason for me, and this shit takes a long time to do. So I'm just gonna plow through this thing, writing one goddamn sentence for everyone that's left, aside from the O-line, who deserve special treatment. I like doing the "all-time favorite/most hated" thing, (at least until I get a court summons from Mike Tomczak's lawyers, for libeling him by accusing him of murder most foul) so I'm not going to abandon that completely. I'll probably just randomly tack one on to the end of every post (aside from this one) until I get all the way to the kick returners or whatever. But for now, haste.
Jason McKie - At this point, he's still just Bryan Johnson's emergency injury replacement four years later, and they should have given the job to Will Ta'ufo'ou.
Before the season, I thought these guys were a bunch of bums, but after a pretty good preseason had by most, I've mentally upgraded them from being a bums to being chumps. So an upgrade is always good, but it's little consolation when your receivers are a bunch of fucking chumps.
Devin Hester - The anointed #1 guy, but he's not really suited for anything but being a complimentary #2 type, and probably should have just been left returning kicks.
Earl Bennett - Went from pretty much not being allowed on the field last year to being a starter this year, which is more a commentary on the sad state of Chicago receivers than anything else.
Devin Aromashodu - Similarly, this guy is a three-year practice squad dude turned #3 guy, but he might be the best wide receiver named Devin on the team.
Rashied Davis - Former decent slot guy turned bum who they gave Brandon Rideau's roster spot to, because he practices real hard.
Johnny Knox - One of Jerry Angelo's cutesy "I'll show them all by drafting a dude from nowhere" picks, but one that might end up being the best wideout on the team in a year or two.
Juaquin Iglesias - Highest-profile draft pick this year, but he really hasn't looked very good so far.
Probably the strongest position on the whole team, to the point where they might end up using more two tight end sets than two wide receiver sets if Hester and Bennett can't step up. They even kept four on the roster, which is neither blasphemy nor Sparta, but is clearly madness.
Greg Olsen - Future All-Pro, who also has probably has boned down with Jay Cutler's wife.
Desmond Clark - His career is winding down, but would still be a 40-50 catch guy on a team without Greg Olsen on it.
Kellen Davis - He had all the warning signs of a "looks like Tarzan, plays like Jane" guy last year, but the light is starting to come on, and he'll probably replace Clark in a year or two.
Michael Gaines - Managed to escape the screaming hell that is Detroit to get a cushy job as a bench warmer/occasional third offensive tackle.
OFFENSIVE LINE HAIKU
Not getting younger
Gone are Pro Bowl days of yore
Still not all that bad.
He looks the most like
He should play bass for S.T.
I'm such a racist
I thought he'd suck ass
But has looked okay so far
Beekman should start, though
Last year's first round bust
Starting to look pretty good
Till his back gives out
Holy shit, oh man
Dude, we signed Orlando Pace
That's crazy as hell
Last year's best lineman
Reduced to backing up Kreutz
Frank blackmailed someone?
A backup tackle
With starting experience
For the Browns, but still
A decent prospect
When not beating up teammates
For poking with stick
This has been a team weakness for a while, which is funny, because every player there has some reputation for being really good. Huh.
Adewale Ogunleye - Yet another Bear who's been around for a while and is seriously starting to slow down in his senior years.
Alex Brown - Same as always, he'll have one huge game that'll distract people from the way he disappears in about 12 every year.
Mark Anderson - He's done nothing since '06, the hope is that Rod Marinelli will resurrect his career, and good luck with that, buddy.
One of the deepest positions on the team on paper, but also one of the most uncertain, what with all the flakes, cripples, and weirdos lining up there. This year is going to be interesting, probably.
Tommie Harris - He used to be the best DT in football, but now, we're just sort of hoping he goes ten games without tearing a ligament or saying some outlandish shit in a press conference.
Anthony Adams - The best you can say about him is that I've never actually heard anything bad about him.
Jarron Gilbert - Pool-jumping freak who was pretty much brought in solely as Tommie Harris meltdown insurance at the three technique.
Marcus Harrison - Has the potential to become an absolute monster of a nose tackle, so long as he doesn't have some sort of ecstasy relapse, all having a mouthpiece made out of Ring Pop material, like a late 90s version of Hollywood Henderson.
Irael Idonije - I could have sworn he had moved back to defensive end, but he's mostly a special teamer, so it doesn't matter.
Matt Toeaina - He's better than any of the coaching staff gives him credit for, but for now, he should just thank his lucky stars for the roster spot that Dusty Dvoracek's knees got him.
Oh shit, god damn, this could be a strong-ass position. Well, as long as no one gets hurt, at which point we are fuuuuuuuuucked.
Lance Briggs - The best true outside linebacker in the NFL, not counting all those dudes who are stand-up defensive ends.
Brian Urlacher - Old, slow, and crippled, but he can still be a goddamn force if Harris and Adams can keep linemen off of him.
Pisa Tinoisamoa - We finally got a strongside linebacker who's a threat to do something beyond just occupy linemen while Briggs makes a tackle.
Hunter Hillenmeyer - He plays like he's old, slow, and crippled, but is actually young, healthy, and relatively fast.
Nick Roach - Another dude who should stick to special teams.
Jamar Williams - It would have been a fucking disaster if we had just let Lance Briggs go and started this guy.
On paper, this is another really striong position, which makes it strange that they all seem to suck so bad. If anything is going to derail the 2009 Bears, it's going to be the pass defense, starting with these guys.
Charles Tillman - Looked like a big-time shutdown corner in 2004, but since then, has been a dude that makes up for being constantly toast by forcing hella-fumbles.
Zackary Bowman - The Bears found their replacement for Mike Brown, in that he'll give you one amazing, legendary game, and then be out for the year.
Trumaine McBride - It's kinda weird that I figured he'd get cut, but with Tillman and Bowman hurt, he's actually pencilled in to start tomorrow.
Corey Graham - Started most of last year and proved that he's yet another dude who should stick to special teams.
Nathan Vasher - Jesus shitting hell, what in the fuck happened to this guy?
D.J. Moore - Was such a "steal of the draft" hot prospect that I've seen where some places predicted that he'd be a starter by now, but he's shown nothing to date.
The position so weak, that pretty much every on of those bums who play cornerback was given a shot at the free safety job. Oh, the horror. The horror.
Kevin Payne - A serviceable, occasionally solid strong safety, which makes it too bad that they had to move him to free safety.
Al Afalava - Sixth-round pick who done good and won the starting strong safety job, but I'm worried that it might just end up being a scathing indictment of who they already had.
Danieal Manning - Started several games after Mike Brown went down in 2006, and if that hadn't happened, they might have won the Super Bowl that year.
Josh Bullocks - Oh good sweet lord, this guy is like the 2007 Adam Archuleta of the New Orleans Saints, and he's one toe injury away from starting at free safety here.
Craig Steltz - So bad that he hasn't even gotten the "we love him because he's white" treatment from the fans.
This is by far the strength of the Bears, and on a normal team, that would be a sign that the rest of the team sucked, but no, it's just that this is a team crazy-obsessed with the third phase, like to the point of putting it in a pit in its basement and hosing it down as punishment for not putting the lotion on its skin. Or something.
Robbie Gould - Has never hit a 50 yard field goal, but he's damn near automatic from 49 and under, and that's where most of the field goals come from.
Brad Maynard - His stats never look like much, but no punter in the league is as good at getting the ball go to out of bounds exactly where he wants it to as this guy us.
Patrick Mannelly - Seriously, the greatest long-snapper of all time, and I'm not just saying that to set up a joke.
Devin Hester - Kinda looked in the preseason like he had regained that "this is the best kick returner ever, with no real competition" form of '06 and '07, but that was just the preseason, so we'll see.
Danieal Manning - Good enough returner that the decision to not use Hester on kickoffs anymore didn't really downgrade the position any.
Garrett Wolfe - The Bears have like thirty dudes I could have mentioned as the special teams coverage monster, but Wolfe has channeled his frustration from not getting the football into becoming a special teams demon who has become the tiny French dictator of my heart.
So there, the deed is done. Now begins a long year of hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and trying to come up with "Marcus Harrison is a raver" jokes. May victory come to the Bears, may death come swiftly to their enemies, and may they not draw the baleful gaze of Tomczak, for the Eye is always watching.
FINAL POSITION GRADES:
Quarterback - A-
Running Back - B+
Fullback - D+
Wide Receiver - D
Tight End - A+
Offensive Line - B+
Defensive End - C-
Defensive Tackle - B
Linebacker - A-
Cornerback - C
Safety - D
Kicker - A
Punter - A
Kick Returners - A+
Coverage Units - A+
Coaching - D+
Prediction - 11 wins, 5 losses - First place, NFC North.