- Kwame "1st and 15" Harris, on account of his fetish with jumping before the ball is snapped.
- Ronald "Mayor for Life" Curry. There is no secret that Al Davis has a massive boner for certain players, and as a result those select few are basically "on scholarship" with the Raiders and can do whatever the fuck they want. Ronald Curry is one of these players. Al continues to remind the world how he had the keen scouting skills that led him to believe that an injury prone, skinny, awful college quarterback and failed point guard would somehow make it in the NFL as a passable #3 receiver. Ronald is Al's boy. Never mind the fact that they flushed both of their #1's down the shitter that year by picking Phillip Buchanon and Napoleon Harris, he found a decent player in the 7th round, goddamnit! As I have stated before, Ron Curry is my favorite current Raider. But the fact remains that, well, he's just not that great. He gets hurt a lot, and is just unremarkable in every way. But I can tell you this much: He will be a Raider forever. He will be one of those guys who will still be on the roster 7 years from now regardless of how much his modest at best skills decline between now and then. Hell, he'll probably get a coaching or front office gig out of it when he decides to retire. Why? Because he's one of Uncle Al's finds. He is essentially the mayor of Raider Nation, which is about as glamourous as being the runner up in a dick sucking contest.
- Michael "Charlie" Huff. He hits opposing ball carriers with the same amount of force as a knuckleball, and Charlie Hough was basically THE knuckleballer of all time, and the two last names are the same phonetically despite different spellings. See what I did there?
- Stanford "Scenic" Routt. Takes his sweet fucking time closing on the ball.
- Deangelo "15 yards from the spot of the foul and an automatic FIRST DOWN" Hall. It takes a true commitment when you pick up more personal fouls in a game than passes defensed. We would've also accepted "Half the distance to the goal".
- Kirk "I deserve better than this" Morrison. I look at poor Kirk and I can only wonder how painful it is for him. To grow up a Raiders fan and then to be drafted by your hometown team, that must be a dream come true. But after time you come to realize that the team you worshipped as a child is a complete and total cluster fuck. He carries the burden of trying to redeem a lost franchise, and seemingly no one else is willing to help him. One day, he will be murdered by the very people he came to save.
- "The Blueprint" JaMarcus Russell. Yes, the blueprint on how to throw away $60 million and ruin a young quarterback's career in the process. He may have to fight Alex Smith for this nickname.
- Darren "Blair Thomas II" McFadden. I really have no reason to be down on McFadden already. This is more of a preemptive measure on my part. This way when he ends up sucking I can point to this and say SEE! LOOK! I CALLED IT! Although, I suppose forecasting Raiders draft pick failures is hardly an impressive feat.
- Javon "Life Lessons" Walker. Clearly, he has never learned from them.
- Sebastian Date-rape-akowski. Not just any kicker gets a nickname. It takes that rare breed of kicker who transcends their mundane existence and becomes something more. Something special. Janikowski is that man. Between the GHB and the Gout and almost making 60 yarders every time they go to Denver, Seabass has made his way into the hearts of nearly every Raiders fan. Onward and upward, son.
- Justin "Did you know my dad was on some shitty ass TV show a long time ago?" Fargas. I swear to Christ, the next time someone tries to tell me that Justin is Huggybear's kid like it is some recently unearthed factoid, I am going to kick them in the balls so hard that they'll shit their pants. Yes, I am aware of that. No, I don't give a flying fuck.
There you have it. I just single handedly saved the Raiders season. The playoffs are a mere certainty now. You can thank me later.
No comments:
Post a Comment