Lions Season Preview Part 2: Is this Hell? No, it's Detroit.

Part 2 of the Lions season preview will cover the skill position players on offense, the backs and receivers we all know and love and count on for our Fantasy Football teams. Running Back In a word? Depressing. Shortly after the season ended amid a staggering collapse that left Lions fans alternating between laughing and sobbing, Matt Millen in his infinite wisdom decided to fire Mike Martz, the one man who had provided any sort of excitement to Lions fans since he blew into town. Sure, his offense lacked a strong running game and he routinely got Jon Kitna murdered, but really, if we are being honest with ourselves here, that was part of the fun of it. The Lions could look like absolute beasts one minute and comically inept goofuses the next. There were times when Yakety Sax could be used as the soundtrack to the Lions misfortunes, but really, we all knew the team would suck, we just wanted to have fun with it. At least Mike Martz provided that. Now though, the offense is in the hands of the painfully boring Jim Colletto, and he has promised to focus on a power running game. Now, everyone knew this would likely fail even before the team lost T.J. Duckett to free agency and told Kevin Jones and his knee injuries to fuck off. This forced them into resigning Underwear Thief Tatum Bell, whose find the seam and go running style is a woeful fit for this offense. Thankfully he has been jettisoned, along with Rudi Johnson's panties, leaving us right back where we started: up shit creek without the proverbial paddle. The nominal starter as of right now is rookie Kevin Smith. Aside from his unfortunate name which will be the cause of at least one horrible joke by a writer this season, the book on Smith is that he is a slashing type runner, devoid of big speed who will find the whole and get you consistent yardage. He was not on anyone's map prior to last year when he put up staggering yardage and became the first player to seriously threaten Barry Sanders' single season rushing mark in college. Barry Sanders of course is the magic word to Lions fans and so when the team drafted Smith, visions of Barry began dancing in the heads of fans everywhere, which is only going to make his inevitable disappointment that much more hilarious/sad. You see, Smith put up all that yardage at Central Florida, not exactly a school known as a football factory, and while he may be a passable NFL running back, he is never going to be the All Pro that Lions fans desperately want at the position. On the other hand, when he was drafted I was personally assured by no less an authority than DJ Khaled that Kevin Smith was DA BESSSSSSSTTTTTTTTT. So, who knows what we are really going to get? Also in the mix is the aforementioned Rudi Johnson. Now if this were three years ago, we might have something, but what Rudi has become most known for over the last couple of seasons is being injured and getting his drawers stolen. While his running style seems to fit this new offense, the reality is that he is severely behind the eight ball here in terms of learning the system and fitting in with the Lions offense and so I expect that he will languish on the bench, getting a few uninspiring carries here and there until he fades out of the league after his one year contract is up at the end of the season. But, on the bright side, perhaps life without underwear will be a pleasant surprise to Rudi and who knows, if he decides to freeball it from here on out maybe he will be a sleeker runner. We can only hope. The third running back is Marcus Thomas, a rookie who the Lions signed after he was cut in training camp. Nothing says optimism like grabbing a rookie who was too shitty to even stick as a roster player with another team. Happy days are here again! The fullback position is shaping up to be yet another problem area for this Lions team. In Mike Martz's system the fullback didn't exist except in short yardage situations and so The Lions are forced to essentially build from scratch here. The starter will probably be Jerome Felton, a rookie out of Furman. Hey, I wish I had more for you here, but the fact that I don't should be damning enough. Grade: C if everything breaks right, D if everything breaks as I expect it to. Receivers/Tight Ends Ah, now we come to that most famous of Lions positions, the receivers. It is no secret that Matt Millen has some sort of bizarre hard on for those who catch the ball, and many horrible jokes have been made about this predilection, but as Lions fans we just sort of want to move on, willing to accept that Millen hit on at least one of them and maybe on another, and that two of them were colossal busts. Okay, so Mike Williams loves to eat and Charles Rogers likes to get high and break his collarbone. Whatever. They aren't here anymore, and what's left is actually not that bad. In fact, if everything goes right, which let's face it is always a dicey proposition when it comes to the Lions, things could actually be pretty fucking good here. We start off with Roy Williams, who at times looks like he can do anything he wants to on the football field. Unfortunately, that's the problem with Roy. You see, a lot of the time it is clear that he doesn't want to do anything on the football field. I can understand this though. Life as a Detroit Lion must be enough to make one reach for the razor blades, but things have gotten to the point where now fans are heckling him at practices for being lazy. No, really, the Lions annually invite the fans to a practice every season, and this season a fan actually had to be escorted from the building because he wouldn't leave Roy Williams alone. LIONS FEVER. CATCH IT. Lining up on the other side of Williams is Calvin Johnson, he of the immense hype and of the gigantic hands which were talked about to the point of creepiness last season. Johnson has all the talent in the world, can catch anything, can get deep against anybody, and is essentially a freak of nature. Don't forget those giant hands. But what I really want to talk about is something that no one wants to acknowledge and why the Lions will never win with these two goofs as their receivers. You see, last season Roy Williams and Calvin Johnson dubbed each other Optimus Prime and Megatron in a stunning bit of nerdery usually only seen between pale fifteen year old, pudgy white kids. I mean, come on, really guys? Look, Detroit is a city that likes its athletes hard and raw as fuck. Think the Bad Boys teams of the Pistons. Those dudes would stab you if you weren't careful enough. And the fans themselves aren't afraid to wander out of the stands and throw hands if they feel compelled. It's mayor is facing multiple criminal charges, including assaulting an officer. This is not a city that has time for Transformers nonsense. The only way to transcend this is to be great with machine like consistency, like Stevie Yzerman or Barry Sanders. There is no room for fucking around like a little kid if you aren't fucking everyone else up on the field at the same time. I mean, can you imagine Jerry Rice and John Taylor pulling this shit? How about Art Monk and Gary Clark? Or better yet, try to imagine Michael Irvin and Alvin Harper calling each other Voltron or some such shit. You can't, and the reason is because in order to be a great you need to be competitive to the point of insanity or a coked out raging beast. You don't talk about your love for cartoons while playing grab ass with your fellow receivers. This is a real problem here my friends. Behind the two manchildren, there is Shaun McDonald, who actually led the team in receptions a year ago. He's a shifty dude who can excel in the slot, but he can also drop too many catchable balls, such as the one against the Giants that would have given the Lions the win last season. Chances are good that he won't catch nearly as many balls in the Lions new offense this season. Mike Furrey is the Lions fourth receiver. He's a former Arena Leaguer who everyone loves because he is a hard worker(white) who plays the game the right way(white). He led the league in receptions in 2006 but again that was because he was playing in Mike Martz's system where the quarterback chucked the ball approximately a thousand times a game. His numbers will fall off considerably this year, but he should be able to stick around as a possession receiver sort(white). Also, he is white. Tight End is another position which needs to be rebuilt after the departure of Martz. Thankfully, the Lions have a couple of tight ends who seem to fit the system pretty well in Dan Campbell, the likely starter, and Michael Gaines who came over after underachieving in Carolina. Both are supposed to be good blockers, which the Lions are going to need during this new grim running the ball experiment. Also in the mix is Casey FitzSimmons, who is best known for being a yokel who played a version of college football that only used eight guys a side. He can catch the ball, but as always he remains a project with proverbial upside. Odds are he never does anything worth jack or shit. Grade: B+ if everyone plays like I think they can, but I will knock it down to a B due to the new offense, with the caveat that this unit could take off and be an A- or even an A if Williams and Johnson drop this Transformers shit and play like men.