Thursday, January 24, 2013

2013 All-Armchair Linebacker Team (numbers 23 through 33)


Look, I don’t feel like writing this shit today. So here’s what we’ll do. Go buy yourself a twenty bag and roll up two big blunts. Then start smoking the first one. I’m going to tell you some music stuff to look up on youtube for these players on the All-ACLB team, one rap-type shit and one rock-type shit for each…
#23: Arian Foster (RB, Houston Texans) – Maybe the most metaphysical fucker in the NFL. Look up Wise Intelligent’s “Illuminati” video. Yeah I could probably put links but fuck it, I want you to wormhole yourself here. As for rock, I guess it would have to be kinda wacky, and might as well represent Texas, so look you up some Roky Erickson. Old Roky with 13th Floor Elevators is cool, but maybe you’ll get the Roky documentary there too, which would be nice.
#24: Marshawn Lynch (RB, Seattle Seahawks) – Beast Mode, from the Bay Area. Fuck rock on this one, just put “classic E-40” in the googlebox, but somewhere in there mix in “Life is Too Short” by Too Short, for clarity.
#25: Richard Sherman (CB, Seattle Seahawks) – Intelligent shit-talking, aka the NFL embodiment of back-packer rap and nerd metal, and abusing Adderall. Might seem like a Danny Brown choice, but I think Danny Brown wallows in the darkness too easily. Go for the official video for “Pineal Gland” by Ab-Soul, and see if “Book of Soul” is there while you’re at it. As for rock, early Mastodon, definitely.
#26: Atari Bigby (S, San Diego Chargers) – Simply here because of his name, as I hate all Chargers, forever. But San Diego is at the border with Mexico and we probably could use a break. Scope you out some cumbia rebajada as done by Sonidero Duenez, which is like the screwed and chopped music done in Monterrey in the late ‘60s. You’ll be glad you did. Or maybe you won’t because you’re an uptight bitch who didn’t actually get high at the beginning of this article like I told you. In that case, your lack of enjoyment is due to your own not following the goddamn formula laid out for you. So fuck you.
#27: Rashean Mathis (CB, Jacksonville Jaguars) – Florida mini-dreads means Gunplay. Look up that “The Hard Way” song, as that’ll get you hyped the fuck up again. A good rock match for this is Pentagram’s “Forever My Queen”. I mean, they don’t really match but when it’s cold outside and you are high and it’s nearly a full moon and you want to get your crazed mind of a Charles Simic lunatic snowflake on, Gunplay and Pentagram are a good combo, both in terms of music as well as actual things you are utilizing for leisure.
#28: Tom Zbikowski (S, Indianapolis Colts) – Haha, I don’t even know why I included him. Probably to be contrarian towards Adrian Peterson, whose bug eyes freak me out. Whiteboy safety returning punts in white people Colts uniforms pure Indiana style is funny. Do you have Audacity for mixing tracks? You should get Audacity, and put some Scott Biram on there first, maybe “Reefer Load” or 18-Wheeler Fever” but then mix the sound on that one down to about 33%. Then put “Kush Clouds” by Freddie Gibbs over top, or fuck that, put “G.I. Pride” by Gibbs, going more old school (as old school as Gangsta Gibbs can get) and put that over top the Biram, so that then you can play it and it is Freddie Gibbs but with Scott Biram blurring up the background. There, you have Indiana drug music. You’re welcome.
#29: Earl Thomas (S, Seattle Seahawks) – Why are there so many fucking Seahawks on this thing? What the fuck man? I hate the Seahawks. Oh well, go listen to “Drop” by Earl Sweatshirt, and then Steve Earle’s version of “Mr. Mudd & Mr. Gold”. Actually that Steve Earle song is dope as fuck; it’s why I have a Jack of Diamonds tattooed on my dick. Jack of Diamonds is a hard card to play.
#30: LaRon Landry (S, New York Jets) – Haha, LaRon. No rap, no rock, just R&B music late at night doing push-ups by yourself. But you are already high, right? Okay, go get OG Ron C’s chopped not slopped version of Frank Ocean’s Channel Orange called Channel Purple. By the time you get through “Pyramids” and “Pink Matter” you ought to be halfway done on that second joint, and wishing you had dipped it in embalming fluid first.
#31: Cortland Finnegan (CB, St. Louis Rams) – Pure shit-talker. Pure Shit Talker. Listen to three Action Bronson songs (make one of them “Barry Horowitz” though), and then “The Black Mass” by Pagan Altar just to cleanse your aural palette and you’re almost done here.
#32: Jacquizz Rogers (RB, Atlanta Falcons) – Haha, what a funny name. Makes me think of Jacuzzi rooms in the hotel, getting ass back in the day. Oh man, to rent the Jacuzzi room at the Comfort Inn for the weekend, getting fucked up as shit, those were good times. Oddly enough I find my sexual stamina is more long-lasting now that I don’t drink alcohol. I get in this weird mode where I’m dialed in and start having this weird brain sweat thing going on and I literally can just do it forever, focused on my 3rd eye. I’m interested in the changes in the brain chemistry during sex, and what drives men to want to ejaculate in order to release those dopamines, because with the philosophy of Chinaman old crazy dudes who just have sex with no orgasm gaining Qi force, there’s something to it. I can feel it in my own life; I have found this to be true. I’d like to know the chemical causes of this. How do we increase those pre-orgasm chemistries naturally without getting the release of orgasmic dopamine, and how does that stimulate Qi? No songs this time, sorry, we were thinking instead. Maybe watch five minutes of a Sun-Ra documentary while you think about it.
#33: Jewel Hampton (RB, San Francisco 49ers) – Don’t even know who this dude is but his name is Jewel Hampton. You can just keep watching the Sun-Ra documentary. It’ll be good for you.

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