Get ready for more of this.
Okay, so in the wake of the Tears of Sadness game against the 49ers we’ve all said and/or written a billion words about why it sucked and about how we’re going to protest the unfairness of the universe by lighting ourselves on fire and then haunting Scott Linehan, popping out at him from the shower like Slimer every time he goes to take a shit. But now it’s time to move on and thankfully we get to do that by beating the sickly corpse of the Tennessee Titans until it breaks into dust and we snort that dust and then poop it out in the middle of parks in order to fertilize the grass because we are all about urban renewal these days.
Here’s the deal: the Titans are terrible this season, like apocalyptically so, the kind of terrible that causes The Millen Who Shall Not Be Named Although I Guess I Just Kinda Did to become fully erect. Now, I’m not saying that the Titans are headed for a 0-16 type Trail of Woe but I would say that, right now, they’re the worst team in the entire NFL. Sounds good to me.
This is exactly the sort of shitbird team we need to get our minds right and when I say “our minds” I am basically talking about the brain of one Matthew “the Snake” Stafford. Hell, the Lions would be able to win this game pretty easily with Shaun Hill starting. Kellen Moore would look like Pro Bowler. Drew Stanton could . . . nah, never mind, I vowed I would never trade on his grit stained name again. Anyway, the point is that Stafford should be able to return to maximum Staffordness (Staffordosity?) against these goofs and then on Monday we’ll all be slapping each other on the back, humming the theme to Top Gun and metaphorically licking his asshole while we write his Hall of Fame speech for him. It’s just the way it goes.
I suppose I could do the responsible thing and comprehensively break down the reasons why the Lions should win this game with, like, charts and pictures and all that jazz but the dude who played Corky could figure that shit out and he’s been dead for 10 years. Wait, I just looked that shit up and apparently he’s still alive and he’s almost 50, which was curious to me because you never really see old people with Down Syndrome, do you? Apparently, thanks to modern medicine, they have a life expectancy of about 60 and there is one dude in England who is 87 years old. This fascinates me for some weird reason and I’m now picturing old men with Downs and . . . wait, what the hell was I talking about again?
Oh yeah, anyway, even a man of shall we say, limited intellectual means would look at this game, laugh like a goof at the Titans and then wager everything he has (Look, Forrest Gump became rich as hell so don’t tell me that retards can’t get rich. This is America, Jack. I believe that is Mitt Romney’s stump speech right there.) on the Lions. The Titans are that bad. So far this season they’ve lost 34-13 to the Patriots and 38-10 to the Chargers. Sure, some of that might just be because they were playing good teams but let me remind you of a couple of things: the Patriots just lost at home to the Cardinals and the Chargers are coached by Norv Turner aka the NFL’s version of Corky, so . . . yeah. It’s not like they were slain by a couple of unbeatable juggernauts.
Sometimes, though, final scores can be misleading so maybe the Titans actually played better than it looks on the surface. Let me take a look here and . . . HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Okay, maybe not. So far, through two games, the Titans have rushed for a grand total of 58 yards. 58 yards. In two games. That is the worst fucking thing I have ever seen and I saw the movie Wishmaster in the theater so I have seen some terrible, unconscionable shit. 58 yards! When NFL Films does the story of the 2012 Titans it will be 30 seconds long, have the music from Halloween and be called Faces of Death. Thank you! Thank you, please tip your waitress! Mostly because she makes sub-minimum wage, has three kids at home and if you don’t she’ll spit in your food next time.
But how is that possible? 58 yards? I mean, isn’t this a team that has Chris Johnson, former Fantasy Football MVP, leading their rushing attack? Well, I’m glad you asked because yes, yes they do, and for as horrible as those 58 yards look it is nothing compared to the utter embarrassment that has become Chris Johnson. So far this season the dude has rushed for 21 yards on 19 carries. Holy shit! Was he cursed by a wizard or something? Did he get his legs eaten by an angry badger forcing him to play while riding around in one of those carts homeless dudes with no legs tool around in? I mean, what in the fuck is going on here?
Actually, don’t answer that. Who cares? I’m just happy that our defensive line will get to feed on his worthless ass. Sure, he won’t provide too many nutrients but sometimes you just want something to fill you up for a while and that’s what the Lions need right now. The Titans won’t tell them much about themselves but goddammit it will sure feel good to dismantle them on their home field while their fans wear paper bags on their heads and fuck their own cousins because I understand that is what they do in Tennessee, especially when things get rough. Don’t even ask what Al Gore did after losing the 2000 election.
To make matters worse for the poor Titans, they basically have to put all their faith in Jake Locker, their second year quarterback who is little better than a raw rookie at this point. The Lions should be able to pin their ears back and rush his sorry ass all day long. The poor fool might die. Oh well, such is the way of nature. In order for the strong to feed the weak must die. Oh, by the way, Locker is the Titans leading rusher, with 32 yards on 4 carries. So maybe he’ll break a 12 yard draw with the team down 45-0. You know, something to send the home folks home happy. Then again, maybe Ndamukong Suh will roast him on a spit at midfield while he smears his blood all over his chest and howls at the moon, challenging Sheriff Goodell to come get some. Who’s to say?
Meanwhile, defensively the Titans have given up an average of 400 yards a game which . . . Jesus, this is going to be ugly. And I can’t wait to watch it.
Look, if the Lions don’t win this week, then we will descend into complete chaos. I will be wandering around like Col. Kurtz and most of you will be barreling through the streets like mutant vampire apes, eating the wicked and the weak and flinging your poop at the doors of Ford Field while the Lions huddle inside, terrified and ashamed. It will be ugly as hell and frankly I don’t even want to think about it. Hell, if the game isn’t a complete asskicking it will be hard to keep The Fear at bay.
But that is all just a despicable What If and I probably shouldn’t even have brought it up because there is no way the Lions will lose this game. I know, I know, I am just tempting the football gods with such a brazen statement but Jesus Christ, is a Lion afraid of the gazelle? Does he tremble at the sight of a weak little chipmunk? No, he just eats them. Well maybe not the chipmunk because that would be kinda fucked up and the lion is better than that. The point is, is that to pay homage to Worry when it comes to this game would be fucking shameful, a disgusting groveling at the foot of Fear and we’ve moved past that, haven’t we? There are just some things which should be a given now and beating the holy hell out of some shitbag team like the Titans is one of them.
Sunday will be one of the first times in my life where I have sat down to watch the Lions with absolute certainty that they would win. I don’t care if this is overly brash. I want to feel that way. I want to revel in the feeling, to know it, to let it inhabit every part of me, every orifice (sorry . . .) I want to know it completely. I want to get used to it, to live inside of it for as long as possible because goddammit, that’s what it feels like to be a winner. And we deserve nothing less.
Predicted Final Score: Lions 78, Titans 3 and Chris Johnson breaks down sobbing in the second quarter and has to be led off the field by a kindly old nurse while the crowd pelts him with garbage and beats their own children. It will be glorious.