Wednesday, November 9, 2011

6-2: A Poetic Retrospective Part Dos

Since part one of Haikuamania 2011 seemed to be a resounding success (And by “resounding success” I mean nobody laughed scornfully or told me to knock it off. I have such high standards.) I figured I’d continue with this delightful array of Haikus about the Lions defensive starters and key contributors. (And yes, again, “key contributors” is basically just an excuse to do Willie Young Haikus. Then again, there is about a 96% chance that this is also how my twilight years will be spent – in some crooked nursing home being abused by junky orderlies, dribbling applesauce on my twin, my brain turned to mush, while I obsessively create new Willie Young Haikus every day until a news crew finally shows up to document the weird old man who never speaks and doesn’t respond to any external stimuli but spends his days and nights crafting exquisite Willie Young Haikus. This is how I will eventually break through because that is just how the universe works. Oh God, I have just seen the future . . .)

Anyway . . . yeah. Let’s just do this thing. And, as before, feel free to leave your own Haikus in the comments, and, again, if you feel the need to count syllables, have a blast, but keep your fascist rules to yourself, because we are spirit warriors and sometimes spirit warriors need to cheat the ancient Japanese Haiku overlords a bit in order to make a salient point. Oh, and if these are shitty, you have only yourself to blame. Why? Must I always provide you with the answers? Now let this class project on acid commence!

Ndamukong Suh

Thunder warrior

Dread Lord of the House of Spears

The scourge of Goodell

OR . . .

Massive man mountain

The earth trembles in your wake

And so does Cutler

OR . . . (You had to know I’d get carried away with this thing sooner or later.)

The sun, moon and stars

Watch wide eyed and terrified

And bow at your feet

OR . . . (in orderly to properly reflect what’s gone on this season)

Rise, nature’s fury

The fell hand of death’s judgment

But don’t overrun

Corey Williams

Untameable beast

The heart of a savage tide

You jumped too early

Cliff Avril

Flies like a missile

Launched into the heart of hell

The spirit of pain

Kyle VandenBosch

Red eye, blood red heart

Frothing pit-bull from hell’s mouth

Leads with eyes of fire

Sammie Hill

Country strong beast heart

Takes a back seat to no man

You’re not forgotten

Lawrence Jackson

Lo-Jack folk hero

Your fans have become legion

And you have found home

Willie Young

The Great Willie Young

Warrior of my own heart

What more can I say?

OR . . .

Child of my visions

I feel like a proud father

Every time you roar

OR . . .

You rose from our need

For a hero in these times

Strange yet terrible

OR . . .

Fisherman of souls

Sailing the oceans of time

You have hooked the world

OR . . .

Blood soaked avatar

Of all that is good and pure

The whole world owes you

OR . . .

Blowing through the line

A jungle cat in its prime

You hunt the Cutler

OR . . .

The bear trembles

The jaguar bows its noble head

For you are a Lion

OR . . .

The Lion king who rules

Rodgers, Cutler and Ponder

You own their spirits

OR . . .

The Great Willie Young

Mere words are too meaningless

To explain my joy

Stephen Tulloch

Kill and mock Tebow

The whole world watched it happen

Call it Tulloching

Justin Durant

Gun really likes you

We missed you while you were gone

Never leave again

DeAndre Levy

Levy that won’t break

Answer to the heart’s sad cries

The future is now

Bobby Carpenter

Looks like a Viking

The good kind not the purple

Steal the fucking ball

Eric Wright

Much maligned by Browns

Their dumb mistake is our gift

Lock that fucker down

Chris Houston

Pick six magician

They said you had no ball skills

I guess they were wrong

Louis Delmas

Call you the missile

You fly with reckless fury

Please wrap up your kills

Amari Spievey

Cornerback convert

Prove that you’re not the weak link

And savage the world

Ryan Donahue

Better than Harris?

The jury has yet to say

Show me what you’ve got

Stefan Logan

Shake, rattle and roll

Shit, there goes another one

Fuck these dumb new rules

Gunther Cunningham

Old man watches as

His heart opens on the world

And proves him worthy

Scott Linehan

Throw more on first down

Last year I called you Wizard

Don’t make me look dumb

Jim Schwartz

Man of fire and ice

Passion and brilliance in one

A man after my own heart

OR . . .

Shake hands like a man

Or risk the wrath of the Schwartz

Leader of my dreams

OR . . .

At last a real coach

A leader sent from heaven

To slay the demons

And there you have it, dudes and lady dudes. There is a part of me that just wants to do Haikus for a while, like some fucked up version of Rainman that counts syllables instead of matchsticks, but I know that I would just end up descending into indecipherable madness (too late?) and so I’ll stop now. I hope these weren’t too assy, but if they were, hey, what the hell, you know? Sometimes the world loves you and sometimes you do weird Haikus that amuse only yourself and then you end up in a padded room laughing to yourself while a team of doctors stands around shaking their heads and your loved ones cry and wonder where everything went wrong. But that’s life, you know? That’s life.


Angus Osborne said...

Jason Fox
Always injured man
Fans who blame Backus for all
Pray he'll be better

Alexander said...

Interesting post, I am so glad that I have visited your site. Really useful information!

Neil said...

That's the spirit, Angus.

Anonymous said...

Not a Lion, but definitely an Armchair Linebacker type of player:

Tony Gonzalez
Soars like the bird on his helm
First down, guaranteed

Neil said...

I'm half-convinced that Tony Gonzalez is either part robot or that he is like the Highlander or some shit.

Anonymous said...

Guys like him and the "Handsome Halfbreed" Gino Hernandez are the best possible argument for us white fellas to get it on with as many women of other races as possible.

Neil said...

Well, I'm convinced.

Bubbalouuey said...


Illuminator of Lion Wisdom

Angela Lansbury Whore

More Great Willie Young History