Thursday, September 8, 2011

NFL Previews Prognoses Collected aka HOW SHIT WILL UNFOLD (perhaps)

I just wanted to recap the season predictions for this NFL broadcast that launches in a few hours, that were used in the prognosis sections of our Armchair Linebacker team previews. I do not feel attached to these, and just as I would not want you to come back and be like, "Man, Raven was full of shit about the Browns!" at the end of the season, I will not expect you to be like, "Wow, this dude is the best guesser about football ever!" when I am completely right. Predicting the upcoming season (or really mock drafts or anything like that) is utterly self-important bullshit, and I realize this. That's why instead of just be like, "Oh, they'll finish 12-4 I bet!" off the top of my head, I drank mushroom tea while camping (if sort of flopping along a riverbank can be considered "camping") near a small sideline freight yard in central Virginia beside the James River that I love to kick it at, and used 96 scraps of driftwood (three per team) to meta-scientifically deduce the season. This does not mean it's any superior or inferior to any other football "expert" at all, because this was done at that one point in time, when the Universe pointed in this particular direction. The Universe has an infinitesimal variety of possibilities, and the one that plays this actual year probably will be different. But it is interesting to see it all together, and you are welcome to stammer and rant and compliment and question all you want. We will see what happens.

Team Overall Division

x-New York Jets 12-4 5-1

y-New England Patriots 12-4 4-2

Miami Dolphins 7-9 3-3

Buffalo Bills 2-14 0-6

x-Baltimore Ravens 12-4 5-1

y-Pittsburgh Steelers 11-5 4-2

Cleveland Browns 4-12 2-4

Cincinnati Bengals 3-13 1-5

x-Indianapolis Colts 11-5 5-1

Houston Texans 9-7 2-4

Tennessee Titans 8-8 3-3

Jacksonville Jaguars 5-11 2-4

x-San Diego Chargers 13-3 6-0

Kansas City Chiefs 8-8 3-3

Denver Broncos 6-10 2-4

Oakland Raiders 4-12 1-5

x-Philadelphia Eagles 11-5 4-2

New York Giants 9-7 4-2

Dallas Cowboys 9-7 4-2

Washington Redskins 5-11 1-5

x-Green Bay Packers 11-5 5-1

Detroit Lions 8-8 4-2

Chicago Bears 7-9 2-4

Minnesota Vikings 7-9 1-5

x-Atlanta Falcons 11-5 5-1

y-New Orleans Saints 10-6 4-2

y-Tampa Bay Buccaneers 10-6 3-3

Carolina Panthers 2-14 0-6

x-Arizona Cardinals 9-7 5-1

San Francisco 49ers 8-8 4-2

St. Louis Rams 7-9 3-3

Seattle Seahawks 5-11 0-6

Wild Card Round

#6 Pittsburgh over #3 Baltimore

#5 New England over #4 Indianapolis

#3 Atlanta over #6 Tampa Bay

#5 New Orleans over #4 Arizona

Divisional Round

#6 Pittsburgh over #1 San Diego

#2 N.Y. Jets over #5 New England

#1 Green Bay over #5 New Orleans

#2 Philadelphia over #3 Atlanta

Conference Championships

#2 N.Y. Jets over #6 Pittsburgh

#1 Green Bay over #2 Philadelphia

Super Bowl

Green Bay Packers over New York Jets

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