Monday, August 15, 2011

Tomorrow We Start Previewing Teams (as if anybody cares)

Over the coming weeks leading up to FOOTBALL 2011 NEVAR FORGET 9/11 & THOSE WHO DIED IN MANUFACTURED EVENTS TO MAKE YOU RESPECT FOOTBALL AND THE FLAG AND RICH DUDES WHO MAKE LAWS BUT TALK ABOUT GOD & MONEY EVEN MORE THAN EVER BEFORE, which is about to crank up to dazzle our daily focus to keep us from seeing the downward spiral we're all floating along in. Neil and myself (me being Raven Mack aka Mr. Rojonekku aka the Man of 1000 Aliases aka 1000 Feathers aka Dr. Lounge aka one of the cartel of e-dudes who conjured this website up over shared peyote visions on a Kentucky mountain a few years back) have decided that the All-ACLB team was such a raging success in our own enjoyment factor, even though not much comment was made, that we will do a similar thing as preview for all the teams of the upcoming season. It's sort of based on what I did for my NFL previews wherever I did them last year ( who the fuck remembers... internet writing is here today gone tomorrow, which is probably proof enough that Neil and I are wasting our lives here, and really everywhere) but with Neil's input, as I'm a grand old man of 38 years on this Earth hunk, meaning I have come to that age in my life where if I want to think of NFL players older than me, it's fucking punters and 3rd string QBs, and like that one weird bulbous headed black dude still playing left guard who looks like Ken Griffey Jr. from that episode of The Simpsons with encephalopitis or whatever the fuck. I'm not gonna be Internet Dork #32 and make a list of players I am still younger than, partially because of that being such an aforementioned internet dork stereotype thing to do, but also because fuck NFL players. None of them can twist a word like I can, so fuck them, and I will fight them on twitter if any of them disagree (@rojonekku, or @armchairlb). But I am calling in Neil to help flesh these previews out, altered from previous years' style (no funny names, no Samoan worship) but it'll be solid, don't you worry your little jaded cubicled heart, bro.
I had contemplated doing two a day, and that fucking "two a days" rung in my head, and then I was flipping through radio stations on the way to work and Mike & Mike on ESPN radio was doing that thing, and I can tell you this much... if ever I style anything in my life after those two dudes, or really anybody in sports talk radio, shoot me. Better yet, give me a lobotomy with a rusty trepination device from the Civil War era. Those dudes are terrible. Here are additional sports-media related people who are terrible: Jim Rome, Bill Simmons, Rick Reilly, anybody who writes columns in Sports Illustrated, wacky Sportscenter hosts, sideline chick reporters who are not wearing tank tops with no bra, punch drunk former football player black guys who are supposed to be smiley and loveable but are wearing a suit, serious bloggers, etc. I think you get the point. It has been pretty much common mantra amongst the originators of this site that you should not have complicated formulas to explain yourself, you should be open to drug abuses, alcohol abuses, sexual experimentation (but not through simple subjugation of women emotionally like stereotypically found in jocks, you should be into tantric bullshit, bi-curious, pretty much open to the darkest corners of Craigslist's No Strings Attached folders), and ridiculously homeristic fandom of your favorite team. The only time on this site this homerism will be set aside is when Neil and I do something like these team previews, because this is not a place about having serious opinions about the overall state of the NFL. It is about the delusional hallucinations that being a degenerate fan of a team, not to mention a degenerate in real life to various extents, and the joys and terrors that those hallucinations bring in us. So fuck calling this two a days.
That being said, tomorrow we'll start putting up two teams a day (I'm saying that, fully knowing neither Neil nor myself is good at keeping a schedule, so you are just likely to get a splattering of teams the next two weeks, then the final fourteen in one day, if at all), and I wanted to just lay out how it's going to read, you know, prep you on this shit.
We'll be starting with the lowest team to highest on my NFL ratings thing, which always starts the season out straight up just ranked according to Vegas odds to win the Super Bowl. Straight up. Each team will have Pertinent Data displayed, which will last year's record, playoff run if applicable, and odds to win the Super Bowl this year. Then for each team, we'll have a Best Case Scenario, Worst Case Scenario, Player to Pull For, and Player to Root Against. Either Neil or myself will go positive or negative for each team, meaning whoever goes positive will do the Best Case and Player to Pull For, and whoever goes negative will do Worst Case and Player to Root Against. Additionally, Neil will conjure up all his personal demons internally and give you an In A Perfect World analysis of what the future season holds for each team. As an addition additionally, I did a lot mushrooms this past weekend camping alongside train tracks in central Virginia and used little scraps of driftwood like I Ching sticks to metaphysically deduce each and every game of the upcoming season, so I'll be giving you a Prognosis for the year, with record, how they'll finish in their division, as well as whatever else the driftwood sticks told me would happen. It got a little sketchy because I got sidetracked for about 9 hours catfishing under the Perseid meteor shower because I thought the meteors were reflecting the water paths of monster catfish, and I've always wanted to catch a catfish over 50 pounds. But I was tripping, and riverbank fishing wasn't doing it for me, because I couldn't feel what was going on like I wanted to, so I went grabbling under rocks for catfish for a long ass time, until the sun started coming up, and I realized I was still needing to do from week 11 of the season through the playoffs with my driftwood I Ching sticks, and I had timed myself to come down at sunrise. Luckily I had more mushrooms on reserve, being my buddy Dave didn't show up to assist me, so I made a day of it, which is why it ended up going all weekend for the most part.
So we'll be starting tomorrow at some point with the Buffalo Bills and then the Carolina Panthers and then all the way up to the preseason number one team in the NFL. I hope you will join us on this expedition, through the teams and through the season, and really through our collective minds here at Armchair Linebacker. This is a special special place for special special people.

No comments: