Wednesday, July 27, 2011
Two Lifelong Redskins Fans Emails During the Wacky Offseason of 2011 Part 1
Remember a few minutes ago when I asked you if we could send emails
back and forth like we already do but I'd put them on Armchair
Linebacker? Well this is the first email. Lockout's over and we get a
feeding frenzy of NFL bullshit, with our beloved leader Danny Boy
probably shitting himself with all the money he can waste, next year's
draft picks clutched loosely in his sweaty palms. The other night I
was thinking about him owning the team and medieval fairy tales like
my daughters came to mind, where there's this kingdom of people and
this little village of mostly good chill people who are way into
things going on around them, but then like the King dies from war or
syphilis or samurai assassins from the Orient or something, and the
King's evil brother, usually only a half-brother, takes over the
kingdom and rules with a retarded fist, and just generally makes
everything terrible for everybody and children are starving and the
elderly are abused and there's burly dudes riding around on ominous
dark horses with the burly dudes wearing serious head armor but with
fruffly shoulder shirts, just being straight up dicks and enforcing
the dickhead king's will on everybody, for years and decades and shit.
And then there's this little girl or boy who is born who is somehow
some sort of chosen savior, like has blood of the original king in
them or is just ordained by actually woodland fairies along with some
sort of naturalist monk type dude who usually has a beard, and that
kid is bound by destiny to grow up and save the oppressed villagers -
all good people - and the entire kingdom from horizon to horizon from
the ominous and oppressive rule of the little shithead king who never
should have been.
I feel like that's the Redskins, except I don't think there's any
ordained kid because this isn't medieval times where fairies fill the
night woods with glitter lights and we drink ale from wooden cups and
all women have their breasts about to pop out of white cotton blouses
for some reason even though I don't even know if bras existed yet or
Anyways, I was trying to not see anything about the Redskins before I
sent you my first email but I did see I guess they re-signed Santana
Moss and are talking with the Vikings about trading McNabb. Have you
seen pictures of this John Beck dude who is probably going to be our
QB? He looks like a fucking carney, and I don't mean that in a joking
way. He literally looks like a dude who would stink of generic
cigarettes operating the Tilt-a-Whirl in a Poison Open Up and Say Ahh
t-shirt in 2011, and if you're lucky you happen to walk by him and
make eye contact while Kenny Loggins' "Danger Zone" is playing on the
loud speaker and you realize you have just started at the living
embodiment of the lyrics to that song, far darker and more sinister
than even Kenny Loggins could imagine.
Two things make me endorse this Beck dude. One, I ran a franchise mode
of Madden 03 or 05 or something (the one with Marshall Faulk on the
cover maybe?) and love those franchise modes when all the players are
pretend players and none are real, and I had a dude named Dale Beck as
QB for the Redskins that won like 6 Super Bowls in 9 years. I almost
bought a customized jersey (from China, naturally, shit is mad cheaper
and probably made by the same people) with BECK on the back. But that
dude was a black guy and John Beck is a white guy that looks like a
That being said, the Redskins, contrary to their own belief every
year, kinda suck. We are not one piece away (unless maybe that piece
is an owner). Shit man, we aren't even five pieces away. So I see
value in playing a journeyman freaky-looking degenerate QB as starter,
and cut away from the "THE FUTURE IS NOW!" bullshit we've been fed
every year. Of course, that won't sell many jerseys, but fuck it man,
they had a pretty decent draft and if we had a couple more drafts like
that, we might actually be able to flirt with thinking about a wild
card beyond Thanksgiving for once.
I'm not sure about the Santana Moss thing. On one hand, sure he makes
lots of catches. On the other hand, dude celebrates like he won the
Lotto every time he makes a first down. And on the third hand, if I
see that goddamned quick slant thing he does every fucking time again,
I am going to throw my fucking children into the TV. Why has he not
been decapitated yet because any other team watching tape has to be
like, "Oh yeah, Santana Moss does this quick slant thing about 9 times
a game. We should knock the fucking shit out of him."
Looks like they signed a Giants defensive lineman... unfortunately out
of the 17 guys the Giants have that have concussed QBs for us in
recent games, they got one of the guys I'm not sure who he is. Barry
Cofield? Didn't he do that "Driftin'" song in the '70s? It is a plus
that this guy has apparently never played in a 3-4 defense. He won't
be set in his ways, you know. That's usually what douchebag managers
say when they hire people who don't know what the fuck they're doing.
Also apparently the Skins seem to be interested in Matt Leinart, which
makes sense, being he's a big name flameout that'll look sharp holding
up his jersey number to sell to chump ass fans willing to believe in
things. Unfortunately I'm not sure who's left that believes in things.
Tell me you are alive and not curled up in the fetal position under
your desk listening to Enya's Watermark on repeat.
Barry Cofield is apparently a dancer (not a singer in the defunct Stax Records roster, as once thought). At least that's all the positive I've heard on the guy- that he has this dance that he does after he sacks somebody that looks like he's hitting himself in the gut with a taser. Youtube that shit- you'll see that it's mildly amusing. Then you'll realize that you're going to see that dance in the 4th quarter of an NFC East game that the Redskins are getting killed in- when he makes a completely meaningless sack. Much like the dancing we're used to when Santana Moss catches the 1st first down of the half (right before the half), and the chest-beating, back-arching, giving God the old pistol symbol thing that DeAngelo Hall does when he picks a ball off (and subsequently hands the reigns over to the offense for yet another 3-and-out. And of course, the 3-and-out is a yard shy because the receiver ran a 7-yard route when they really needed 8. Just details, though).
So, yeah- we've got that going for us.
And, the other thing we've got is that our alleged QB-carnie (sort of a lovechild of Brad Johnson and MacGruber, don't you think?) is a great leader.
Do you really think anybody in that locker room is buying that John Beck is going to be the leader of men? Anybody want to run through a brick wall for John Beck? Or how about Rex Grossman or now Kellen Clemens? (By the way- do you think Danny's phone rang this afternoon and someone on the other line said, "Dan? It's Bruce Allen. I just thought you might want to know that I've got a bead on Kellen FUCKING Clemens, and I'm going to make him a Washington Redskin. Let that sink in for a moment. OK. Bye."
One last point that really sucks. This year, they drafted a ton of young, dynamic college wide receivers- and they also have Brandon Banks, "Knee-less Joe Jackson" Malcom Kelly, and Anthony Armstrong. Some real resemblance of a youth movement there- at an exciting position, too. Youth that we drafted and could develop into a real cohesive team in a few years- a foreign concept since Bobby Beathard rolled out in the early 90s. And today, they've gone out and signed three washed-up WRs that will probably absorb all of the young guys' playing time- the youngsters will get cut and go to teams that value youth.
OK, I've gotten over it. I guess we see how training camp nets out.
Also, Jeremy Jarmon was traded. That means the ever-hilarious Jeremy Jarmon/Jarvis Jenkins combo is now off the table.
Such a shame...
Whoa... what the fuck? I'd been actually having to work at work today
and missed the WR flurry. So we have a drunk driver (which I endorse,
though not killing people like Stallworth did, because he gives most
honest hard-working ditch-fearing back roads drunk drivers a bad
reputation and is the cause of the overlegislation of drinking and
driving... Burt Reynolds in The Longest Yard was perhaps the greatest
QB of his era behind just Kenny Stabler and maybe Terry Bradshaw, and
he never drove his girlfriend's car without alcohol), we have a
35-year-old dude (Brandon Stokely? I forgot that dude was alive), and
something called a Jabar Gaffney (which sounds like one of those corny
made-up sexual things like a Dirty Sanchez or Hoffenrauer's Special).
That kinda sucks because yeah, I was stoked for Double A (Armstrong)
and Double B (little Brandon Banks) with all the rookies they drafted.
I thought those rookies were supposed to be the greatest shit ever,
espeically that Hankerson dude? Man, I don't get this team sometimes.
Also, I cannot even begin to explain how sad I am about Jeremy Jarmon
being gone. Beyond the greatness of the Quadruple J sack attack, he
actually seemed like a cool dude, especially when he concussed Aaron
Rodgers. I mean, the Redskins beat the Super Bowl champions last year,
and pretty much only because Jeremy Jarmon concussed Rodgers at the
end of the game and they had to insert Matt Flynn or some shit. That's
some good defensive feel-good shit that you build on, not trade to
Denver for a blowjob you get while riding a motorcycle (that's what I
think a Jabar Gaffney is, though I might be wrong).
Oh well, it's been like an hour since I started this email because I
had to go shoot brain damaged rats with copper. My job sucks. It'd be
nice if the fucking Redskins could win and give me fucking pathetic
hope a shot of adrenalin instead of the slow death gloom that they
fill me with. It's like your favorite sports team is Sylvia Plath or
Also I saw they signed Josh Wilson, who was a good return man a couple
years ago and scored mad points for me in fantasy dork football. This
means I don't mind that dude at all. I guess Butterfingers Rogers
wasn't a bad CB necessarily, but he surely wasn't worth the fucking
6th overall pick or whatever it was we wasted on him.
Also did you happen to see the ridiculous Silverback gold chain that
Trent Williams got in the offseason? It's a gorilla medallion.
Seriously. On one hand, I feel that maybe Gil Scott-Heron died for
nothing, but on the other hand if there has to be a big weird dude
covered in questionable tattoos who proudly wears a giant diamond
gorilla medallion in his leisure time, I guess I'd like him on my