Redskins 3-2 Positives/Negatives Metasciences Week Five Recap

(Wisconsin bitch, scalped of a victory at the last second,

not worth raping because her vagina smells like apple sausage)

It is so much easier to bitch than be happy on this earth, especially inside this internet. But the Redskins eked out a big win over the NFC’s anointed in the Green Bay Packers. And there are things that bother me about the psychological condition of this Redskins team under Dan Snyder, things that have bothered me the past few years and have not made me feel good even when we won this season. And I can’t say I feel great about today’s win, because if Clay Mathews does not get hurt, we does not win. But at the same time, there were signs of this team turning a corner on something that has been the greatest signifier of their non-path towards success. And we shall break all that down in the positives/negatives, which I upped to 5-positive/2-negative, because fuck man, in this year of the NFL, even a high mediocre team with a few lucky breaks will win the Super Bowl.
FIFTH DEGREE POSITIVE: PR Brandon Banks. B-Double gets top honors for two reasons on this one. First off, he made the news this weekend as overhyped Devin Thomas was finally cut from the roster on Saturday afternoon, hopefully the beginning of a good purge of this team’s self-important types. B-Double was brought up because during a receivers meeting in which Devin Thomas had fallen asleep, Banks took a cell phone pic and put it up inside his Twitters, which got back to Old Man Shanahan and got Devin Thomas a meeting behind closed doors that did not go as well as the old Charlie Rich song. So as Thomas was on his way out, people suggested Banks of being snitchtastic, and that having something to do with him still holding a roster spot. Well, in response to that, I bring up the second reason I put Brandon Banks at the top of this list this week, and what has plagued these self-important Redskins who never understood why they lose games they should never have lost in their own minds. This team, as I mentioned last week, has not developed kill mode, step on somebody’s throat and take your motherfuckin’ way with them. They eke shit out at best, and lose more commonly. But as the Redskins are trailing, the D holds the Packers tight (as they did the whole second half), and here comes a punt, not close enough to handle really. It hits the turf and as people are blocking and trampling all around him and at him, Banks sees the ball bounce and looks upfield, and rather than being like, “Well, the safe thing is to let it go at this point,” or absolving himself from guilt by not actively fucking up, Banks snatches the punt anyways after the bounce and shoots up the sidelines to get the ball up near mid-field. Devin Thomas never did that. Nobody on this team has done that. And the littlest motherfucker in the entire NFL gave this team an injection of heart that got me fired the fuck up.
FOURTH DEGREE POSITIVE: S Laron Landry. Plain and simple, Landry is a beast. A fucking beast. Honestly, this year is like Sean Taylor’s breakout season was, almost eerily similar. The main difference is Sean Taylor was still somewhat loveable it seemed, like a solid dude off the field. Laron Landry is fucking scary in an around-the-clock, 24/7/365 type way. The alligator arms seem to be getting more common around Landry as the weeks go by, and it was nice to see him cut off the heat-seeking missile status for once to grab that key INT in OT. Clutch. Really, my only gripe with Landry this year has been that sometimes he’s so keyed in on crushing a motherfucker, he misses a prime opportunity for a turnover. Just like Sean Taylor did at first. And the year Sean Taylor turned the corner and could be scary evil headhunter but also snag an INT or fumble return for TD? They made the playoffs. That’s how my brain be starting to want to think in this watered down year of NFL competition.
THIRD DEGREE POSITIVE: WR Anthony Armstrong. After that B-Double punt return, with the Skins still down, I thought to myself (shit man, I can’t lie, I was talking out loud like I always do when watching football by myself, kids popping in every now and then to laugh at me if they are doing good or try to calculate how far to hide if they are doing bad), “49 yard line, take it right here, take it all.” That’s the mentality that’s been missing. Little piddly this, podunk that, nickels and dimes but never dollars. But Donovan dropped back, and let loose with a tall floater, and my immediate thought is, “Oh wow, here goes Santana Moss pretending he got pass interfered with again.” Except it wasn’t #89 underneath that lofty pass. It was #13, getting in the air and coming down in the end zone for 6. It was there, and he took it.
SECOND DEGREE POSITIVE: LB Brian Orakpo. Ain’t nothing to say about Orakpo except dude is a monster. He doesn’t have the sacks he had last year in his rookie season, but that’s because dude is held about 19 times a game. Seriously, every highlight they showed of Rodgers being rushed had Orakpo with 300 pounds of some dude in a white jersey hanging off one of his arms. I heard Aaron Rodgers was concussed during the game and I certainly thought that might’ve been the case on the play where Orakpo Awesomebombed him to the turf deep in Packer territory there that one time. Rodgers came up looking glassy on that. And that overtime sack was fucking clutch.
FIRST DEGREE POSITIVE: P Hunter Smith. It may seem stupid to put a punter in the mix, but after the way Josh Bidwell flubbed up anything he had his foot or hands on this season, having old Hunter the Punter back in there, and nailing pretty much every kick, not messing up any holds, and looking quite hillbilly with his half-truck driver, half-gay pride facial hair.
STAY MEDIUM DEGREE: QB Donovan McNabb. Hey, we won, and McNabb had a ton of passing yards, but you know what was pretty obvious a few times? McNabb is not dialed in at all times. On the positive side, he was gimpy but hanging tough and getting things accomplished down the stretch. On the negative side, he overthrows shit, underthrows shit, misjudges shit, all of that on the regular. Poor Chris Cooley got stiffed on a couple of McNabb errant tosses, and when Cooley missed a catch he would’ve caught 19 times out of 20, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was a trust factor involved. Like how do you get ready for a guy who might overthrow you by 9 yards, but then make an amazing toss? Having five games under my belt watching his every move, I can say with complete seriousness that Donovan McNabb is probably the most successful wildly inconsistent QB the modern NFL has ever known.
FIRST DEGREE NEGATIVE: WR Santana Moss. I’ll be honest, I’m done with Moss. He makes catches, which he usually celebrates regardless of game conditions, but is not somebody you can count on to be clutch, unless clutch means begging for a pass interference call because he missed his 7-yard slant pass on a 3rd & 9. And with not many options in the Redskins receiving corps, Moss has held onto his spot as the go-to guy. But he’s also the first one to be all like, “I don’t know how we lost, we should’ve won,” when they inevitably lose. Holmes has only one Pro Bowl his entire career, and shit man, like a quarter of the league makes the Pro Bowl by the time they actually work through people that want to play nowadays. Moss has far more swagger than jack to back it up.
SECOND DEGREE NEGATIVE: owner Dan Snyder. Motherfucker had a fluff piece on ESPN this week, and I haven’t been condemning him weekly like I should. So now that those who don’t live with this team day in and day out think, “Oh hey, that Snyder guy, he’s not a complete fucking retard; he just wants to win.” Fuck that noise. Dan Snyder should be thankful for the NFL’s rampant mediocrity right now, because that’s the biggest contributor to this team being successful. And I guess I should be thankful that we don’t live in a different era where you actually bring in a solid personnel top to bottom and slowly build a complete team that can fuck shit up for half a decade at a time, because Dan Snyder is way richer than me, probably eats and lives far more healthily, and has access to actual doctors, not voodoo herbalists like myself. But hey, we won. But I want you to know Mr. Snyder with your half a Favre dick and megamillions – I know you’re still sitting up there. And I still fucking hate you, no matter how many games this team wins. I will never like you and will never accept you as one of my own.

Season-to-date totals: LB Brian Orakpo (+10), LB London Fletcher (+10), S Laron Landry (+9), LB Lorenzo Alexander (+7), WR Anthony Armstrong (+7), RB Ryan Torain (+5), TE Chris Cooley (+5), PR Brandon Banks (+5), RB Clinton Portis (+4), K Graham Gano (+3), GM Bruce Allen (+3), S Kareem Moore (+2), DE Philip Daniels (+2), P Hunter Smith (+1), head coach Mike Shanahan (+1), QB Donovan McNabb (+1), T Trent Williams (even), WR Santana Moss (even), fan Raven Mack (-1), WR Malcolm Kelly (-1), P Josh Bidwell (-2), CB DeAngelo Hall (-3), CB Carlos Rogers (-3), owner Dan Snyder (-4), DT Albert Haynesworth (-5), and T Stephon Heyer (-7).