The Adventures of The Great Willie Young: The Battle of Lepanto

A painting commemorating the Battle of Lepanto, particularly the scene where Willie Young and Don Juan de Austria are visited by the ghost of Willie's mother.

Today's adventure comes down to us from the year 1571. In that glorious year, a Holy League of Christian states and nations set out in a great armada to challenge the might of the Turkish navy. This great sea battle became known as the Battle of Lepanto and the result of this battle would have been vastly different if it wasn't for the heroism and the expertise of none other than The Great Willie Young.

It would seem that The Great Willie Young had found himself in the inner circle of Don Juan de Austria, the bastard son of the Emperor, Charles V and the half brother of the King of Spain, Philip II. Willie - or The Moor - as he was known to his contemporaries was a frequent drinking partner of Don Juan and the two would often return to Don Juan's palatial estates loaded on cheap grain alcohol and with a gaggle of whores attached to each limb. Willie the Moor was infamous for being able to entertain dozens of whores at once which led to a much celebrated and humorous incident in which Don Juan, who wanted to prove that he was Willie the Moor's equal, spent all night entertaining a variety of loose women until finally he staggered from his bedchamber naked. He went outside to get some water from the well so he could splash some water on his enflamed junk but he collapsed in the courtyard. A servant who attended to him claimed that Don Juan was speaking in tongues, his penis chapped and bleeding, and cursing the sexual prowess of Willie the Moor. Don Juan was brought back to his bed where he slept for two days straight. He was unable to wear pants for another two weeks and refused to discuss the incident for several months.

But fun and games only last so long before the perils of the brutal and terrible world come howling at your doorstep and so it was with Don Juan and his faithful friend, Willie the Moor. It would seem that Don Juan's gallivanting had upset both his father, the Emperor, and his half brother, the King of Spain. The two of them felt that Don Juan needed to learn responsibility and so they forced him to lead a naval expedition to the Mediterranean with the aim of stopping the growing Turkish threat.

Don Juan was said to have wept at the news and refused to go until Willie the Moor slapped him repeatedly in front of his servants. Ashamed, Don Juan agreed to take command of the armada, but only if his friend, Willie the Moor could serve as his number two. It is believed that Don Juan feared that Willie was trying to force him out so that he could have the run of the countryside all to himself and he wanted to pay Willie back for shaming him in front of his servants. What he didn't know, though, is something that Willie confided in a whore following a night of drunken love making. She claimed that he told her that he hated the Turks for their role in the murder of his beloved mother, a Greek Sea Siren who the Turks had captured in the Aegean Sea and then kept as an enslaved whore before the Ottoman Sultan tired of her and had her tortured and then shot out of a cannon the Sultan had just purchased from a Chinese mystic named Wu Pei.

What the Sultan didn't know was that Wu Pei was an old friend of Willie's father, the Cheetah God, and he had performed a ritual over the cannon which would ensure that no matter where they were in the world, both Willie and his Cheetah God father would hear it. Wu Pei did this because he knew that Willie's mother was enslaved and he feared for her safety. He was well aware of the cruelty of the Sultan and so he figured that it might be a good idea to take precautions. When the cannon was fired, Willie's mother let out one final horrible wail, which mixed with the sound of the cannon firing and came to Willie in a dream. He awoke, panicked, drenched in sweat and ran out of the room without even paying the Moroccan whore he had spent the night with.

Willie waited over 50 years for his revenge. He spent years calculating a plan with his father, but his father became mixed up in a tribal dispute in the Congo and ended up involved in a decades long war with a half-eagle/half-lion Egyptian deity, which meant that Willie was on his own. His plans ruined, Willie searched desperately for an answer. Near the end of his rope, wandering through the Spanish countryside, drunk, Willie came upon the figure of none other than Don Juan de Austria. It would seem that Don Juan had angered a powerful Spanish nobleman who had found Don Juan in the bed of his daughter. The noblemen had chased Don Juan off the property with the help of dozens of slaves and a team of trained attack dogs.

When Willie found Don Juan he was almost naked, his clothing in tatters, his face smudged with mud and blood, teeth marks from dogs on his arms and legs, and the stench of sex all over him. Surprised and confused, Willie tried to ask Don Juan what had happened but Don Juan just muttered something unintelligible and passed out. Willie picked him up and carried him to a local tavern where a whore named Isabella had a small room. Isabella had fallen in love with Willie in the midst of a week long bender and Willie was not above taking advantage of her feelings. There, Willie dried out while Don Juan recuperated. After several days, Don Juan revealed to Willie his name and his story. Willie barely concealed his joy. Finally, he had figured out a new way to get to the Sultan.

The two men enjoyed the, uh, "hospitality" of Isabella before Don Juan invited Willie to live with him at his estate. Willie was more than happy to oblige and the two became fast friends. Several more years went by, during which time the scandalous (s)exploits of Don Juan and Willie the Moor became well known to all, including the Emperor and his son, the King of Spain. This was all a part of Willie's grand plan, though, as he knew that if he could pique the interest of these powerful men, he could gain an audience with them and set in motion the events that would lead to the death of the Sultan, who by now was a feeble old man.

Sure enough, the King of Spain, Philip II, called Willie the Moor to meet with him in secret. There he questioned him long and hard, mostly because he was concerned that Willie was a bad influence on his weak willed and immoral brother, Don Juan de Austria. But Willie was and is a charming man and it wasn't long before he had enraptured the Spanish King. For weeks, the two men met in secret until Willie knew the time was right. On a late summer morning, Willie and the King were riding in one of the King's meadows when they stopped to take a break. Willie then pressed the King to take action against the rising Turkish threat. The King agreed. Willie then made his final play, suggesting to the King that his brother be made head of the armada. The King just laughed. Surely, Willie was joking. Don Juan was a profligate bastard. He wasn't fit to lead a parade of whores through the center of town. Forget about leading an armada. But Willie convinced him that it would force Don Juan to grow up and besides, he would be there to look after him and make sure he didn't screw up.

And so, Don Juan de Austria and his closest friend, Willie the Moor, found themselves on a great galley sailing for Turkey. Aboard Don Juan's personal ship, the Real, the two of them sailed in the middle of the armada, joined by such men as Mathurin Romegas, a Gascon who was a member of the Knights of St. John and a great naval commander; Marcantonio Collona, the Duke and Prince of Paliano; and by Sebastiano Venier, the future of Doge of Venice, who was already 75 years old, half senile and who had brought with him a pair of whores, identical twins he had purchased from a poor farmer in exchange for letting the man keep his land.

It was a grand group that sailed towards Turkey. There was a minor incident which saw Venier become enraged when he caught Don Juan and Willie the Moor defiling his twin whores and the old man began to wheeze and suffered a mild heart attack. The armada came to a brief halt off the coast of Greece so Don Juan could purchase six brand new whores and a dairy cow in order to repay Venier. Venier was said to be pleased with his compensation and later he admitted to faking the heart attack in order to hammer home the severity of Don Juan's transgression. Willie and Don Juan would later get back at Venier by double teaming his wife, who was 70 years old, and then stealing the dairy cow. Venier tried to get back at them, but he was very old by that point and suffered a real heart attack and then was kicked in the head by a goat and died. The whole sordid affair was erased from the history books in order to protect the names of all involved, but tales still lingered for centuries afterward.

Anyway, the armada finally arrived at the Gulf of Patras, off of the western coast of Greece, and were met by the Turkish fleet. The Turks had more soldiers but they were of poor quality and they lacked the guns owned by the Christians. (Even back then, hardcore Christians were gun nuts.) Besides, the Turkish galleys were all rowed by slaves while the Christian galleys were all manned by free men who were promised whores and booze by Don Juan if they performed admirably. Naturally, the men were more than willing to fight for such a reward and they proved invaluable during the battle.

The details of the battle can be found in the history books, and so we'll just concentrate on what happened with Willie Young. It would seem that at some point in the battle, Willie and Don Juan managed to get close enough to a Turkish boat to board the vessel. The Turks met the Christians with a volley of arrows which took down many men. Willie Young himself was hit in the chest with an arrow, but the shaft of the arrow snapped upon impact and the arrow head exploded into dust. The awed Turks immediately gave way before Willie, who slaughtered them without mercy. All he could think about was his poor mother and the sound of her dying wail. Wu Pei had been a good friend, and he would have to visit him in China in order to repay him for his kindness (Foreshadowing like a mothafucka!)

During the battle it would seem that Don Juan took an arrow to the balls. Willie found him in the fetal position during the battle and helped him back to his feet. Don Juan vomited and then screamed in agony as his friend, Willie the Moor, pulled the arrow from his nutsack. Willie held him up and tried to think of the right words that would make his friend feel better. After all, it was Willie who had led him down this dark path, even if Don Juan didn't know it. But Don Juan de Austria just laughed, spit up some more vomit and then said "Willie, at least now I won't have to wrap my junk up in lambskin when I'm getting busy with the whores. My poor ball is ruined, but that means I can get raw with the ladies without having to worry about making a bastard."

Willie just smiled at his friend and said "Juan, baby, you're the only bastard this world needs. It couldn't handle more than one of you." Don Juan just laughed, took his sword and stabbed a fallen Turk in the ass. The Turk quivered and groaned in agony and so Willie finished him off with a pistol shot to the skull, gangsta style. This was said to have been the first instance of a fool getting capped in such a manner and therefore, Willie Young can be said to be the forefather of Gangsta Rap.

Willie the Moor and Don Juan then returned to the battle. It was going the Holy League's way, but Willie still hadn't gotten his revenge on the Sultan. The history books don't show this, but it has been handed down through the generations by the family of none other than Miguel Cervantes, the author of Don Quixote, who was at the time just a lowly sailor in the armada, that one of the Turkish ships was manned by none other than the Sultan himself. This was later said to be the inspiration for the plot of Return of the Jedi, particularly the part where Emperor Palpatine is aboard the Death Star when the rebels blow that shit up. Nobody knows where the Ewoks came from. Maybe George Lucas was a secret furry? Who knows? It's not important.

What is important is that the Sultan was there and Willie Young finally had his opportunity to avenge the death of his mother. Fierce fighting went on that day and many thousands of men died but finally, Willie and Don Juan managed to smash the Turkish resistance. They captured Ali Pasha, the Turkish admiral and had him beheaded. They hoisted his severed head on a pike and the Turks all trembled with fear before giving way. It was then that Willie Young marched from ship to ship searching for the Sultan who hid himself away like a shook bitch in the cabin of his ship.

Willie searched long and hard for the Sultan and was just about to give up when suddenly the ghost of his dead mother appeared. Willie, naturally, freaked the fuck out. He would later co-write the film Ghostbusters to commemorate the experience. His mother's ghost, however, managed to calm him down and revealed to Willie the hiding place of the cruel Sultan who had killed her.

Willie, eyes red with furious vengeance, tore into the cabin of the Sultan's ship and throttled the old man with his bare hands. It was awful. The Sultan begged for mercy and tried to crawl away, but Willie humiliated him in front of his own cowed soldiers, who had already surrendered. Willie stripped the old man naked and then beat him mercilessly before running his corpse up a flagpole for all to see. The battle was over, the forces of Don Juan de Austria had won the Battle of Lepanto and Willie Young had his revenge.

After the battle, Willie and Don Juan had a brief scuffle after Willie caught Don Juan trying to seduce his mother's ghost even though he was currently bleeding from the testicles. Willie had to be held back from beating the holy hell out of Don Juan by both Mathurin Romegas and Marcantonio Collona. Don Juan apologized and explained to Willie that he just couldn't help himself. Willie accepted his apology and agreed with him to adopt a policy from then on of "Bros before Hos". Willie ignored the fact that this policy referred to his mother's ghost as a ho and the two men embraced.

Don Juan and Willie then spent the next several months at Collona's estate before they were forced to flee in the middle of the night after Collona discovered that, naturally, the two men had seduced his daughter. Willie and Don Juan found refuge with their old comrade Mathurin Romegas, and their time with him eventually led to Romegas being disgraced as the Rival Grand Master of the Knights of St. John, but that is another story for another time and the story of Willie Young, Don Juan de Austria and the Battle of Lepanto has now come to a close.