2010 WEEK ONE: So yeah.

...And in the darkness bind them.

Well god damn, who would have guessed. After all my eternal doom and gloom predictions, the Bears ended up pulling a horseshoe out of their collective ass and defeated officially finished the game with more points than the Lions. And in spite of this, in spite of how much the football fan in me wants to just jump up and down yelling "WOOOOOOO GO BEARS" and flipping off everyone I see, I will have to show some restraint here. Because even disregarding the gift the team got in the form of having the one referee in the league who remembered the existence of that weird-ass rule calling the game, there was just so much to be frightened of and disgusted by in that game. I mean, yeah, I know, "a win is a win" and all, but you know who says things like that? Teams who aren't good at winning football games. But in spite of all the fumbles and processes-of-the-catch and whatnot, I'm gonna start with what went right.

THE GOOD:

GOOD: Jay Cutler under pressure. In spite of my fears, insulin-boy did a pretty damn fine job Sunday, even while getting shit-hammered by Lions defensive players often enough that Todd Collins spent the entire game warming up and getting ready, because he knew. He just knew, man. But Cutler hung in there, and even with the offensive line being who we thought they were, the running game not officially existing, and Johnny Knox forgetting his playbook a few times, he put up a shitload of yards, and the TDs outnumbered interceptions for a change. I'm not sure how long it can last with things such as they are, but for now, my peaceful, easy feeling regarding the QB position has returned. For now.

GOOD: Matt Forte back at full speed. Last year, hobbled by a whole bunch of those little injuries that barely ever pop up on the pre-game report, Forte was seriously one of the worst backs in the league. But after a few months to heal and apparently lift a whole bunch of weights, he's looking more like he did as a rookie, and things have improved to a point where we now know it's the line's fault and not his. Because on one hand, he did absolutely nothing running he ball, but in the passing game, once he was able to get away from those five assholes up front who are supposed to be helping him, he made shit happen, including an 89-yarder that probably would have gone for about 17 yards, had it taken place last year. So it's nice to have one real-ass weapon on the team again, even if the blocking can't get him over 3 yards a carry.

GOOD: Oh sweet god damn, Lance Briggs and Brian Urlacher oh holy shit. It's the dream combination of middle and weakside linebacking dudes that we figured would be leading the team for the last few years, all derailed mainly by Urlacher's neck and wrist. But now, probably for the first time since the Super Bowl year, both dudes are here and in Tecmo Super Bowl excellent condition, and good lord, they both played like chainsaw-ripping maniacs, blood-drunk with fury at anything in a lighter shade of blue than their own. Who knows how long it will last on this snakebit team, but we're finally back to a point where, once Tommie Harris and Mark Anderson get blown out of the play, we don't have to count on the safeties to stop all running plays. Brian Urlacher officially still has something left in the tank, and Lance Briggs's tank is still hovering somewhere just below the F.

THE BAD:

BAD: The offensive line is our misfortune. I pretty much said everything I need to be saying right now in the pre-game post. But if one game is any indicator, the good news is that Frank Omiyale isn't actually the best lineman on the team, but the bad news is that it's probably either Lance Louis or Roberto Garza, and both of those guys are kind of lousy. Meanwhile, the hope and the savior of late 2009, Chris Williams, was absolutely super-awful shitty-shit-shitty, and looks more and more like a blown first-round pick. On one hand, this is horrible, because fuck, Jerry Angelo has been the GM for ten years now, and in those years, he's only had two first rounders pan out, (Greg Olsen and Tommie Harris, and Harris is debatable) he's traded out of the first round three times, and butchered the rest, giving him a first round record of 2-6-3. That fucking blows, and a losing season would almost be worth it to get rid of that turd. Fuck. But yeah, no running game at all, and Cutler was running for his life out there, like a feeder goldfish in a piranha tank. Terrible.

BAD: Fucking Lovie Smith. Goddammit, go for the fucking field goal, you asshole. If they can't do anything against your defense with Shaun fucking Hill in there, just take the lead any way you can and trust your D. Don't run it up the middle for no gain AGAIN, you shithead. It hasn't worked for the last five years; it isn't going to work now. And for Christ's sake, when you DO miraculously take the lead, stop that stupid bullshit Cover 3 prevent crap that is supposed to keep the Lions out of the end zone by trying to prevent the fifty yard gains by allowing the thirty yard gains. Fuck. And from now on, just skip the post-game press conference. You do yourself no favors with this "well, blah blah blah, I'd call that play again," retard-ass bullfuck. Fuck. Shit. Ass.

THE UGLY:

UGLY: Hunter Hillenmeyer's brains. So it seemed kinda odd when he left the game at halftime due to "illness," which is something that you usually get pulled out for before the game actually starts. So now, we've learned two things: The illness was caused by the concussion he got sometime in the preseason, and his brain-rattling conditions are bad enough that he's been put on injured reserve, meaning he's gone for the year. So with a concussion being deemed bad enough to be worthy of ending the year, that shit must be really bad, to the point where I've already seen Rotoworld speculate that his career might be over. Shitty way to follow up last year, where he had his finest moments as a pro, holding down the fort in the middle while Urlacher was out, after people (like... me) had already written him off when Nick Roach took his starting job. Hopefully, it's not that bad, and he can play again, but for now, this definitely goes in the "ugly" column.

UGLY:


NEXT WEEK: The Cowboys. Shit. I know, the Cowboys lost and they have problem, but they're the Cowboys. The Bears are a team on a tight robe, wobbling between going 9-7 and going 4-12, and the Cowboys are as Super Bowl-ready as most teams ever get. After this game, Demarcus Ware might seriously be out for the season, pending his trial for war crimes.

PREDICTION: Cowboys 31, Bears 7.