I did a goggle picture search for "Albert Haynesworth stupid fucker" and for some reason things relating to Charles Bukowski were showing up. I don't think I've looked for Bukowski books on Half.com on this laptop or anything, but obviously some sort of insidious artifically intelligent computer bullshit is trying to give me exactly what I want, even though I am a grown man and know how to type exactly what the fuck I want in the little box and click enter and would prefer my searches not be corrupted by my previous excursions into the three million tangents of retardation that shoot through my skull every day like a Pink Floyd laser light show trying to get stoners into the local science museum on a Saturday night.
Anyways, Sir Lord Albert Haynesworth, who is the contemptible Redskins guy number one for all Redskins fans who have had their yearly intake of Kool-Aid to believe things are finally different. We all got tired of that "pull out the 4 Lombardi trophies and have a press conference with some new asshole" Kool-Aid, so they switched it up on us this year by hiring a GM and a coach and acting like we might be actually building for something further along than a springtime jersey sales spike to help fund suing old people for not honoring their season ticket agreements. Even other defensive players have quietly been all like, "Psshh... Albert Haynesworth... that guy should be here," which when you translate and multiply by locker room code of not speaking out on other players, actually reads, "Albert Haynesworth is a fucking asshole, and I'd like to kick his ass, I don't care how big he is, that faggot."
And for as much as he sucked last year (although on the one out of every five plays he played, he did pretty good clogging up the middle), I figured fuck it. We're stuck with the guy. Might as well pretend he can help us, even if he doesn't want to be here anymore. But then this whole fake Salma Hayek stripper from New York thing comes out where he's facing a paternity suit because he bailed on this chick after he found out she was pregnant. There are many things that bother me about this story, as I will lay out in a minute, and show why exactly Albert Haynesworth is human detritus, and none of it has to do with abandoning some whore woman with a baby in her belly. I have tried to raise a kid with a whore before, and it's a huge and continuous headache, one that just when you think you've somehow ironed out a smooth enough plan of action, to try and create some sort of stability, the whore's inner mechanisms trigger into their crazy wobbly way of working things back in after having been worked out, and you're right back at square one. But let's also be honest. Children need the nurturing influence of their mother far more than the alpha male domineering of their father. So it is usually better to just abandon them with the mother. Don't even get me started on financially supporting a kid that the bitch won't even let you see, or how she's buying all types of nice shit for herself and the kid is still wearing some damned bobo generic K-Mart clothes all day long. If you're gonna have to claim a kid that you don't want and will never see, it should at least be a stylish and pimpin' ass kid to reflect well on you. If that's not gonna be the case, then fuck it. So I can see that part fine. I am sure goggle image search programming recognized all this and that's why the Bukowski pics showed up though.
What gets me about Albert Haynesworth's Strippa Hayek situation is he met her during Super Bowl week, when ideally he should be really depressed he couldn't add a fifth trophy to those five Dan Snyder brought out for his D.C. inauguration last spring. He should not be partying down in Miami like it's 199-whatever year the Redskins last won a Super Bowl. Much less, he should not be falling in lust with an exotic dancer he meets in Miami who is from New York City. I mean, if she was actually a slut from Miami, I could forgive it probably. But being she is from NYC, he should've known right away, "Oh snap, this is a hot slut chick who come down to Miami from NYC during Super Bowl week, fishing for some money." He should've read that immediately like Peyton Manning reading a defense, without a thought. Instead, Haynesworth not only knocks boots with the chick, but takes her home with him to Tennessee like the stray dog she is, and they kick it, allegedly, for a few weeks. At some point during this time, he is either having unprotected sex, or he busted up a condom inside her, and left a Junior Haynesworth there up in her sexy little brown-skinned womb. (I guess the womb is not actually skin-encased, unless she's some sort of freak. Well, technically she is some sort of freak. HIYOOOOO!)
At this point, he has tipped over the first domino. When she calls him to tell him she got a baby now, and needs some money to see the doctor, he attempts to do the right thing and swipe all the rest of the dominoes off the table by asking her, through an assistant, to go see an NFL doctor. I am sure NFL players knocking up sluts is a regular occurence and the NFL has in place NFL doctors that give sluts abortions without them knowing it, so that for all the illegitimate kids famous NFL bastard-makers like Travis Henry have, there's probably ten per each born one that get flushed down a toilet with some bloody tissues. I am sure of this. Anyone who thinks anything more glorious and honest is happening is a goddamned fool. The NFL is a multi-billion dollar goddamn soul-crushing industry. They just donated one million dollars for brain trauma research. You know what a million dollars gets you in brain research? A couple cases of 4x4 sterile gauze and three sessions on an MRI machine. In other words, nothing. But they have to pretend they are doing something so that their endless riches are not threatened by the inevitable class action lawsuit brought on by all current and former players from forever ago, where dudes from the 1970s who busted their ass (and brains) for next to nothing compared to today's salaries, can finally get their piece of the pie-ie-ie. (You should go back and read that sentence again and sing the end like the theme song from The Jeffersons.)
But when Strippa Hayek could not be tricked into seeing the NFL abortion doctor (again, a sign that Mr. Haynesworth is not quite playa card-worthy), ol' Albert just broke off communication with her. So this gold-digger pregnant with a golden goose files for Medicaid to get the baby checked, although I find it hard to believe any exotic dancer has to use Medicaid, unless she's spending all her money on drugs. I do not expect her to stop dancing once pregnant, at least not during the first trimester, but she should have stopped doing drugs. That's just not fair to the fetus.
So Albert breaks off communication, the bitch gets a lawyer, and now we've got a $10 million paternity and abandonment lawsuit going on. And even though Albert Haynesworth has not graced us in the D.C. area with his offseason workout presense this year, motherfuckers are getting axed about his getting some bitch pregnant after practices and shit, fouling up the other 79 guys days even more than he already has.
What I am getting at is, even if you do not play the stupid faggot politically correct, "Oh you shouldn't abandon pregnant woman and every child should have two parents and we will all get rich and buy nice things made cheaply by Chinese children, and America is great, I believe this with all my heart, and football is our one truly national sport and should reflect the hard-working and honest work ethic that built this great nation," there's still plenty of reason to hate Albert Haynesworth. If I had it my way, I'd be getting all sorts of chicks pregnant, and not claiming any of the children. The more the better. Resurrect gods through birth, know what I'm saying? And blessed children are blessed whether you are there to coddle them or not. But Albert Haynesworth is a stupid fuck, that fell for a trap that he should've seen coming. He lacks that warrior mentality, that god status needed to transcend football from being an overpaid asshole who tackles people to being a true legend of the game. Albert Haynesworth will never be a John Riggins or a Dexter Manley. Ever. So fuck him. Not because he is overpaid, because that's not his fault. But because he thinks he is the ultimate warrior of the defensive line the NFL has ever seen. Delusions of grandeur. When you are blinded by such egotistic meanderings, that's when you fall victim to predatory creatures with soft, succulent flesh. And that's what happened. If he can't watch his own step during the off-season when nothing is expected of him at all except to not break his own limbs, how the fuck can he be expected to do anything worthwhile on an actual field of football battle? He cannot. There is no warrior in his bloodstream; he is simply an overgrown fool who can easily be exploited, by sultry light-skinned women, by opposing offensive linemen, by speedboat salesmen, and by all of life. The rest of his time in D.C. will be painful, like watching the apple tree you planted when you were a kid that has grown strong and tall but got struck by lightning last fall go through it's last season of fruit. Half the tree is black and dead and half is still producing apples, and they will grow and taste okay probably, but it's that last gasp of giving a fuck left in the tree, and soon enough it'll be just a big tall structure of dead weight, waiting to get cut, to make room for something else.
1 comment:
Holy shiiiiiiit.
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