Week Nine: Season of the Living Dead

"Care Bears, STAAA-aaauurrrghhhhhhh get him off me, get him off me, shit!"

Well, that about does it for that. Over the last handful of games, the Bears have proven that they only have a chance against teams that by rights should be sent down to the UFL for retraining, and when the going gets tough against a real opponent, they fold up like a Yugo getting hit by a Peterbilt. To properly describe Charles Tillman's day of football would involve something like him being in a prison shower, all soaping up, when Kurt Warner, Larry Fitzgerald, Early Doucet, and Steve Breaston all surrounding him threateningly. Maybe Tillman manages to hit Doucet in the jaw or something, but the others overpower him, and this crazy ominous music starts playing while you hear all this screaming, and the camera pans away, and you don't actually see what's going on, but you just know. Then, it cuts to a shot of Charles Tillman in the infirmary, crying into a pillow. The bad part of all this was that in the NFL, the camera never pans away, and you have to WATCH that shit. I think what I'm saying here is that what happened to the Bears Sunday is rape, and the Arizona Cardinals are rapists.

Tonight...

YOU.

There are all other sorts of horrors I could get into. Like Jay Cutler running for his goddamn life all day, Garrett Wolfe lacerating his tiny, Smurf-like kidney, or Tommie Harris getting all ground-and-pound on a completely defenseless dude, pretty much cementing that he'll be cut next year and actually get to play somewhere that he actually wants to play.

But you KNOW, things are bad enough, and as hard as it is and has been my entire life, I'm going to try and be positive. I mean, sure this season is all but done, but hey, look at it this way: At least we'll get a high draft pick!

Oh yeah, that's right. The trades for Jay Cutler and... Gaines... Adams... Well, hey. With all the money we save on high picks, we can use all that extra cap room pick up some big name free agents, you know, I mean sure you fuck up and snag an Omiyale every now and then, but we could land someone huge. Oh wait, that's right. We spent all our money giving huge contract extensions to Brian Urlacher following revelation of a degenerative back condition, Alex Brown following a career of fuck-all, Tommie Harris after he stopped being any good at all, Charles Tillman after he made a career out of giving big-name receivers their career-best games, and Nathan... Fucking... Vasher... Oh Jesus. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus. The voices are back! Oh shit! Somebody, get my pills! Oh god, I can't find my piiiiiiiiiiiiillsssghfgasdetg

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Next week: The Bears provide the slumping San Francisco 49ers with a much-needed win.