Sunday, November 1, 2009

Still the King

Your ass, it's over there.

Apparently, the Lions felt threatened by the Rams. I mean, after all, those charlatans were only a couple of losses away from dethroning the Lions as the kings of football putridity. NOT ON THE LIONS WATCH. No, the Lions, ever prideful, managed to dig deep one more time and keep those heathens from crossing that mystical line that separates the bad from the legendarily bad. By God, that is Lions territory and no despicable Ram is going to be allowed in there. No sir. We are the once, future, present and all time kings of misery and despair. Foolish children, pretenders to the throne, the Rams should be ashamed of themselves. There is only one king and today the Lions made sure that their throne is secure.

Of course, it couldn't have happened without that famed court jester, Stan Kwan, who once again made everyone laugh and weep and shit their pants when the St. Louis brain trust somehow(I wish there was a way to note truly epic sarcasm in print)outsmarted noble Stan on a fake field goal that led to a touchdown. I mean, GOOD LORD, every game something happens to his unit. I think his dudes have fucked up in every way imaginable this season. It is staggering. I only hope that he was able to escape the clutches of the 12 fans who attended the game today.

It was an absurdly embarrassing game. I mean, even if the Lions had won it would have just been sort of pathetic and vaguely shameful, kind of like tricking a retard out of his money. A terrible thing, just wrong. But somehow, even though they were trying like hell to fool that little idiot, the retard pulled one over on them and the Lions were left walking home pantsless and ashamed, tricked and beaten by the village idiot. And somewhere that poor mongoloid is holding the Lions' wallet and laughing like a goon while we all sit home and weep bitter tears and ponder swan diving off of the roof.

It was an ugly game, brutal right from the start, a game typified by defensive backs intercepting the ball, only to retreat into the end zone and take a safety(somewhere, the ghost of Dan Orlovsky smiled when that happened) and by dropped passes and stupid penalties and Stan Kwan and . . . and I think I just swallowed my tongue. It was stupid and it was utterly without merit and I feel cheapened by having been witness to the whole sordid and ugly affair.

Sure, St. Calvin didn't play and there are dudes who will tell you that mitigates the shame of this sorry event, but there was simply no reason to lose to the Rams. The fucking Rams. They were supposed to be this year's Lions. But that was a foolish hope, dumb and naive. There is only one franchise named the Detroit Lions and don't any of you forget it. We are the king, now and forever.

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