Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Jamarcus vs The World: Canadian Edition

The other night I established that nearly every backup QB in the NFL is better than Jamarcus Russell. Today I decided to broaden my horizons and look north to our Canadian brothers and their wacky, 3 down style of football to see how Mr. Russell fares against guys the NFL didn't want. My expectations for this endeavor are minimal, much like my expectations for Jamarcus himself. Yet the continual shittiness of the scatter brain with the scatter arm has sent me into a spiraling depression, the likes of which few have witnessed, much less survived. In fact, at this point the only thing I'm able to take solace in is the fact that I'm not the lady who got mangled by that crazy chimpanzee. Never heard of her? Google that shit ASAP. There's an interview with her and Oprah on YouTube that is some freaky shit. So yeah, I'm glad I'm not her. I'm not sure where I'm going with this, so let's get started.

B.C. Lions
Casey Printers: Spent a season with the Chiefs. Had a season in Canada where he threw for over 5,000 yards and 35 TDs which looks to be a fluke because he's been a bench warmer ever since. I think with the current exchange rate his 5,000 yard season is currently worth about 3,200 American yards, and that blows away anything Jamarcus will ever do. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Jarious Jackson: Former Notre Dame QB who is basically a scrambling caretaker and is enjoying modest success. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Zac Champion: Awesome name aside, he had a passer rating of -23.2 in '09. Wow, I didn't even know that was possible. WORSE THAN JAMARCUS.

Travis Lulay: Ginger dude who looks slightly retarded but has completed over 60% of his passes with a QB rating in the mid 80's. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Buck Pierce: Man, this team must have a shitty O-line because this is the 5th QB on their roster. Career rating of 93.7 and has a good porn star name. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Edmonton Eskimos
Jared Zabransky: You might remember him from that bowl game where he was the QB for Boise State and they made Oklahoma look like a bunch of choads by burning them with every trick play in the book. Hasn't thrown a CFL pass, but I'm going to give him the nod here for winning the game on that awesome sell on the Statue of Liberty play. BETTER THAN

Jason Maas: I think he was the guy Akili Smith took over for at Oregon. Spot starter who had a 5,000 yard season. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Ricky Ray: Sac State product who was always in training camp with the 49ers. Current starter and puts up huge numbers. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Calgary Stampeders
Henry Burris: Made his name in Canada before signing with the Chicago Bears in 2001. Hightailed it back to Canada in '03. Successful QB. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Drew Tate: First season in Canada. Completed 9 of 11 passes, something Jamarcus can't even do on Madden. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Barrick Nealy: Career completion % of 41 and rating of 74.2. I think we found the CFL Jamarcus. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Saskatchewan Roughriders
Darian Durant: Short QB who can throw and run. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Steven Jyles: Backup who throws a lot of picks, which is what Jamarcus would be if God didn't hate the Raiders so much. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Dalton Bell: Hasn't thrown a pass, thus he hasn't made an ass out of himself. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Graham Harrell: Put up Tecmo Super Bowl-level numbers at Texas Tech. Sort of the anti-Jamarcus. Highly accurate with a noodle arm. On injured reserve, but I'd still trust him with my offense over Jamarcus. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Cole Burgquist: I know nothing of this guy other than the fact that he is on the practice squad of a CFL team. WORSE THAN JAMARCUS.

Winnipeg Blue Bombers
Ricky Santos: Backup who hasn't thrown a pass but has a Hispanic name. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Casey Bramlet: Pretty sure he's a former Bengal. Has two completions and two picks. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Michael Bishop: He was King of Shit Mountain at K-State and sat on the bench for the Pats for a while. Throws a lot of picks and completes roughly half of his passes. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Stefan LeFors: More picks than TDs and has a career rating of 66.8. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Adam DiMichele: Practice squader with the pussiest last name imaginable. WORSE THAN JAMARCUS.

Hamilton Tiger-Cats
Kevin Glenn: Short dude who has more TDs than picks and a decent rating. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Quinton Porter: I think he was Boston College's QB pre-Matt Ryan. 14 fumbles in 83 career carries, but has completed over 65% of his passes. Dare I say it? BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Adam Tafralis: Passer rating of 94.2 in limited duty. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Jason Boltus: Injured rookie who set all sorts of D-III records in college. POSSIBLY BETTER THAN JAMARCUS?

Toronto Argonauts
Cody Pickett: Former 49er who the fans wanted to see over Alex Smith. Throws picks and TDs at the same rate and has a passer rating in the 70's. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Kerry Joseph: Up and down career, but he had a season where he threw for 4,500 yards and rushed for 1,000. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Stephen Reaves: One TD and 6 picks for his career but has a higher completion percentage than JamarcASS. SAME AS JAMARCUS.

Montreal Alouettes
Adrian McPherson: Kicked off the team at Florida State, then went on to put up crazy #'s in the Arena League (rest in peace). Tooled around with the Saints for a while. 6 tds, no picks and 351 rushing yards. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Chris Leak: National champ at Florida. Highly athletic with great accuracy and weak arm. BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Anthony Cavillo: Mexican dude from East LA who has played in Canada since I was in high school. Has over 60,000 career passing yards and 354 TDs. If the CFL has a Hall of Fame he'll probably be in it. MUCH, MUCH BETTER THAN JAMARCUS.

Tyler Palko: Former Saint who is a practice squader. WORSE THAN JAMARCUS.

So basically all but a handful of QBs in North America are better than Jamarcus Russell. Fuck my life.


Mike Dikk said...

You clearly need to finish this series with a look at the UFL. Is JP Losman better than Jamarcus? I am dying to find out.

Harpo said...

Read my mind, bro.

Raven Mack said...

my current situations in real life make me want to go tim mcveigh on the world for real, yet this made me laugh out loud like four times for real. post of the month.