Tuesday, November 17, 2009

ITS RAINING SHIT


Hey fuckers. So I know I just posted yesterday and that's all fine and good, but I will let you in on a secret. In fact this whole entry will be about some secrets, but first, the main secret is that I get paid to write for this website. As I stated in a previous post, my contract states that I am expected to write at least one (1) post per Chicago Bears football game. Ok right?

Well, my checks usually come on Mondays, and I didn't get shit today. So I call up Raven and I'm like "Where the fuck is my check? I am literally eating beans out of a can like a hobo over here, and I need this money to go buy bacon bits to make my can of beans more lively". He then drops the bombshell on me that some jew marketing group bought out this entire bullshit blog like two years ago while I wasn't paying attention and they are the people signing my checks, and the reason I didn't get my check is because I'm several posts behind and they don't give a crap about my problems because they are too busy sneezing gold coins out of their giant noses and wiping the remnants up with million dollar bills, so now I have to write like 3 posts to make up for the 3 I missed or else I NEVER GET PAID.

So yeah, you will have to deal with this for a little bit until I get caught up and I can start seeing some cash flow. I apologize, but the Lions guy writes like 14 posts a day and no one seems to give a shit. The Bears suck and all, but I cannot imagine writing more than like FUCK MY LIFE MY FAVORITE TEAM IS THE LIONS if my job were to write about the Lions.

Ok, so with this first supplemental post, I figured I'd debunk some myths. By now, you may have guessed I tend to exaggerate a bit in my hard hitting sports journalism. I am sick of sifting through all of the fan mail I get and answering each one separately so here you go. The real truth:

*I am really a Bears fan. This is true. I just suck at writing about them because I like pussy, and you don't get pussy being a faggot on the internet and writing about your favorite gay football team. This is actually a solid way to not get pussy. I can only assume most of the other people who write here are either virgins or robots (99% sure Neil is a robot. Raven is not a virgin but possibly bi-curious).

*The Jennifer Love Hewitt story is 100% true so please stop asking, but I did lie about the part where she sent me a picture of her in her underpants. It was just like a normal picture of her hanging out at some stupid bar, and it was blurry.

*I really did have an assistant (until I lost my job) but he didn't dictate my blog posts for me. He mainly helped me with math because I suck at math like you wouldn't believe.

*I never stopped eating fried chicken. Not even for a day. I did stop drinking beer though, but that almost instantly led to doing 500% more drugs.

*I didn't OD in the ladies bathroom in Suspenders. I OD'd on the side of the dumpster in the alley behind Suspenders. This sounds much less glamorous so I flubbed the truth.

*I did lose my job from the Suspenders incident, BUT I'm not in danger of living in a cardboard box. I can admit this now that I know I won't be getting paid until I catch up on my blogging.

*I don't like, and I NEVER will like Jay Cutler as much as Jim Mcmahon. This is a dumb fucking question. I walk around with Jim Mcmahon's rookie card in my inside breast pocket at all times. Jay Cutler is a dude I'd smoke weed with, but I'm not about to carry around his rookie card.

Ok that's it for now. Feel free to keep sending me your bonehead questions. Perhaps tomorrow I will write about what the Bears gameplan should be against the mighty Eagles this week but more likely I will look at the Bears roster and write separate fan fictions about all of their players.

1 comment:

L.B. said...

At one point a couple months ago I was seriously typing some silly shit down for a "GARRETT WOLFE MURDER MYSTERY" post, but nothing ever came from it, no lie.