Monday, October 5, 2009

Week Four: The Breaking of a Football Team


On one hand, it's always nice to put up 48 points and smash a division rival and all, but I can't help but feel bad after yesterday's game. I mean, it was the Lions. And that's the kind of thing you say every time you beat the Lions, but this time, it's not like, "oh well hell, a high school team with AIDS could beat those 'tards." This time around, it was like watching a dude who had been in an accident a while ago, and had struggled for years with being paralyzed from the neck down. But he never gave up, no matter how many setbacks he had, and no matter how many times Matt Millen showed up and rubbed swine flu on all his rehab equipment. The guy just fought and clawed, because god dammit, he just knew that THIS would be the week that he finally got up and took a step. And eventually through the sheer force of will, he finally managed to stand up and actually take a step forward.

...And before he could take a second step, the Chicago Bears showed up with his old physical therapist in tow and whipped him with chains until he couldn't walk anymore.

"I am Rod Marinelli, and I will beat you blind."

So yeah, it's a sort of bittersweet thing. Once again, I was trapped at work, (NO WE DON'T HAVE ANY GODDAMN CILANTRO, DAMN YOU.) so my knowledge of the game is limited to online recaps, stat sheets, and an highlight reel, so there's not much I can provide as far as insight goes. The offense looked good, the special teams was retardedly beyond-Tecmo good, and the defense sucked ass in the first half, but actually made adjustments (I know, right?) and upgraded to just not being very good in the second half.

Now, on to the bye week, and past that, the Falcons. There's nothing left of football for Week Five, so it's time to just sit back, relax, and let anything that needs healing start doing that. And we shall dance.

Oh, how we shall dance.

In other news, (and this does have the "NFC North" tag, so it is semi-relevant, I guess) the Vikings and Packers are playing right now, which you've probably been reminded of all week, because BRETT FAVRE, by god, Brett Favre Favre Brett Favre Brett Brett Brett Favre Favre Brett. And while I hate the ol' Gunslinger with a passion, I can't honestly say I agree that he should be killed on the field, all limbs flying everywhere with a screen shot of Adewale Ogunleye popping up, all going "I didn't like the way he was bleeding, so I made him stop," while all you hear is this weird "HWHA-NYAH-NYA-ROFFENREFF" voice. On one hand, it would be nice to have him be hit in the bridge of the nose by an errant Aaron Rodgers pass or something, but can you imagine the absolute Favregasm the announcer types would have if such a thing happened? All screaming "oh my god, this is exactly how he would have wanted to end it, on the field of play, he just loved this game so much," while just losing all pretenses of impartiality and openly masturbating on camera, while the recently-martyred body of Favre twitches and shits everywhere, and the trainers try to hold a towel in front of it, because there's kids watching. And then, the weeks and months of loving tributes and general hagiography would be worse than having the dude be alive. No, no one wants that. What I'd like is for him to have some sort of massive fall from grace, topping the wildest dreams of Michael Vick and Chris Benoit combined, something like a Brett Favre-run criminal enterprise that smuggles white babies to countries with no extradition treaty, to then be eaten by wealthy businessmen. Just have the dude be hated and shunned by all decent society, and send him to prison for so long that the prison crumbles to dust before he does. Something like that. But yeah, I bet the Vikings are gonna win tonight.