Wednesday, October 7, 2009

This Post is Kind of Weird, Even for Me

That's right, if you encounter a mountain lion, feed it your children. If you encounter a Detroit Lion on the other hand . . . well, just relax and let your children beat the shit out of it.

Well, yee-haw. The Lions were savaged and left for dead, bleeding in the middle of Soldier Field while Rod Marinelli celebrated with his new team. It was an awful thing, just terrible, and now I am making the grave mistake of looking back at that game and the nonsensical predictions I made beforehand. If that wasn't bad enough, I just watched the Tigers blow a 3 game lead with only 4 to play and then lose in extra innings to the fucking Twins, meaning that the sports fan inside of me is in a bad fucking mood. Let's just get this shit over with, shall we?


WHAT I SAID: Kevin Smith plays and manages over 100 yards rushing. He doesn't score but he toughs it out and impresses everyone. After the game we find out he had his shoulder replaced with one grown in a lab by Ernie Sims using DNA from lizards and his monkey. It ignites a scandal which ends with The Ford Family donating Mike Furrey to a zoo. When it is brought to Old Man Ford's attention that Furrey is no longer with the Lions, he throws a cup of applesauce at the messenger and calls Al Davis. They go on a road trip to Vegas which is made into a feature film by Miramax. It bombs at the box office but is a critical hit and becomes a sensation in France, winning the Palm D'Or at the Cannes Film Festival. The emotional highpoint of the film is the scene where they bond over their mutual ties to Matt Millen who to the French becomes a film villain on par with Darth Vader.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Well, somewhere in the middle of all that gibberish there was an actual prediction. It was . . .uh . . . wrong. Smith carried the ball 19 times for a grand total of 30 yards, or just 70 or so off of my prediction. He also scored two touchdowns, which, like, hooray, but of course that happened the one week when I said he wouldn't score. Was his toughness impressive? Sure. The dude was playing with a bum shoulder and he played hard and tough. Was his play impressive? Not exactly. The Bears defense stuffed him all day long, much like the Saints did during the first game of the year. But fuck it, this was just a wild guess, based off of a wish more than anything else, and even though it didn't really work out, I don't feel that bad about it.

On the other hand, I am disappointed that Dr. Cinnabon failed to come up with a shoulder replacement for both himself and Mr. Smith. It's tough to guess what went wrong in the lab. I thought it was a foolproof prediction, but perhaps I overestimated Doc Sims' monkey. I mean, sure, he's probably a loveable little guy, but he might be a little underqualified to be a top notch lab assistant. However, I am still holding out hope for that road trip film starring Ford the Elder and Old Man Davis. I imagine it will be a dark comedy, or perhaps a male version of Thelma and Louise. The climactic moment will surely be the scene where Ford the Elder deals with his abusive ex, Matt Millen, which then touches off a police chase which only ends when the two civil war vets drive their covered wagon off of a cliff. Many tears will be shed at the final frozen image of them barreling off of the cliff, holding hands, a single photo billowing in the wind and landing on the ground they just left. Costarring Darius Heyward-Bey, who following a shirtless scene opposite a breathless Al Davis will see his career take off the same way Brad Pitt's did after Thelma and Louise.


WHAT I SAID: Matthew Stafford goes 18-34 for 168 yards, one touchdown and two interceptions. After the game, Lions fans descend viciously on one another once again and someone wishes we still had Charlie Batch. I weep.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Thank God I was wrong about this one. Stafford went 24-36 for 296 yards with one touchdown and one flukey interception. He also fumbled once, but he looked good for large chunks of the game and would have seen his numbers be even higher if his kneecap wouldn't have struck a deal to betray him in his moment of need. Even though the Lions lost, it was very encouraging to see Stafford continue to progress. Even his interception was kind of a weird deal, not so much a bad read as a throw away which was picked off when Tommie Harris jumped up from his ass and into the path of the ball. Okay, maybe he should have just winged that fucker out of bounds but he was stuck in the pocket and so an attempt to just turf it under heavy pressure wasn't exactly a bad decision. It's not entirely his fault that Harris kind of lucked into that exact spot. Stafford's play seems to be putting some distance between himself and those who want to drag him down and crucify him simply because that's what some people think they need to do to every Lions quarterback. He's not Joey Harrington and this game went a long way in making a lot of people realize that.


WHAT I SAID: Calvin Johnson catches 5 passes for 83 yards and a touchdown. He has a 95 yard touchdown called back because his feet catch on fire during the run and the refs decide it is a penalty of some sort.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: St. Calvin caught 8 passes for 133 yards. He failed to score, but fuck it, he broke out in this game and I'm not going to complain. It looks like the coaches understood that they need to get him the damn ball because on the first play of the game, Stafford hit St. Calvin deep down the sideline for 50+ yards. I breathed a sigh of relief after scouring the field for flags which never came, and I can only assume that the refs were mesmerized by the flames shooting from St. Calvin's heels as he ran. They are simple folk, the refs, and I imagine the sight of fire so thrilled them that they temporarily abandoned their fear of it, otherwise I imagine they would have branded St. Calvin a witch and, man, those would have been some awkward ass highlights. I can just see Terry Bradshaw now, stammering and stumbling over gruesome video footage of Calvin tied to a stake, screaming for his life while other players milled about, confused and frightened for their own lives and those horrible fans at Soldier Field screamed for blood and the refs poked and prodded at him, with mad piety in their eyes and reckless hatred in their hearts. A terrible thing, strange and awful.


WHAT I SAID: Jay Cutler throws for 300 yards and 3 touchdowns. After the game, Gunther Cunningham wrestles an alligator in order to demonstrate toughness to his players.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Have I mentioned that I kinda suck at this whole prediction thing? Cutler was 18-28 for only 141 yards. He did throw for two touchdowns and ran for another, so fuck it, I am saying that I was right about the touchdowns. Cutler's final numbers are a little misleading. The Bears had such ridiculously good field position the entire game that there simply wasn't an opportunity to pile up big yardage. This was not exactly a win for the Lions shittastic secondary so much as it was just a lack of opportunities for the Bears to rain death from above. Were they forced to start at, say, their own 30, Cutler would have probably been well over 200 yards and been closing in on 300. Fuck this, I am saying I was right even if I was wrong. We live in turbulent times and who in these strange days is to say what is up and what is down, what is wrong and what is right? What is truth? MAYBE THE SKY IS REALLY BROWN AND THE DIRT IS BRIGHT BLUE. YOU JUST DON'T KNOW, MAAAAAAAAAN.

I . . . I'm sorry. As for the rest of my prediction, well, who is to say what went on behind closed doors? Perhaps hours after the game ended, a terrified equipment manager, alone and scarred by what he had just seen, was dragging the corpse of an alligator wrapped up in a tarp towards Lake Michigan. Or maybe there was no corpse at all. No. Gunther Cunningham is a smart man, as wise as he is powerful, and if this alligator brawl did indeed take place then it's possible that Gunther ate the evidence once he snapped the spine of that degenerate beast. I just hope Ernie Sims wasn't around to see that shit happen. That poor bastard would have been traumatized. He probably would have tried to rescue the poor beast and then we would have had a huge story about Ernie Sims and Gunther Cunningham brawling in the locker room for the rights to that alligator's soul, and no one needs that shit, not after 0-16. This is just too weird and fucked up. Let's just move on.


WHAT I SAID: Matt Forte is held somewhat in check, rushing for 90 yards. He catches 5 passes for another 50 yards and picks up a touchdown or two along the way. Gunther Cunningham finishes off the alligator and strangles a box full of puppies, enraging Lennie Small who senses their pain from afar. It ignites a controversy which only ends when another erupts when Mike Furrey escapes from the captivity of the zoo and is later captured by Ernie Sims, who uses Furrey's DNA as a sort of missing link, which when combined with his earlier formula of lizard and monkey DNA allows him to create a bionic shoulder which shoots lasers. He sells the patent which raises enough money for Ford the Elder and Al Davis to make a sequel to their first film. I write a post in which I ponder the oddities of such a string of events. I am then beaten and put in a mental hospital where I spend my days shouting at fellow patients and drawing pictures of cartoon lions fighting vampire apes.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Forte rushed for 121 yards on only 12 carries. One of those 12 carries resulted in a touchdown. He also caught 2 passes for 19 yards. Again, this is all a matter of perception(he says as he tries to weasel out of yet another shitty prediction). One of Forte's runs was a 60 yard scamper. Take that away and he ran for around 60 yards on only 10 carries. It's not like he was some workhorse all day, moving the pile down the field at will and controlling the clock. I think the Lions actually did a pretty decent job of keeping him in check most of the day. I know, I know, that's like saying the dudes on the Death Star did a good job of keeping the rebels in check before that pissant Luke got off a lucky shot because he was hearing voices from the ghost of a dead old man he had just met. The Death Star still exploded, a bunch of dudes died and the rebels ended up celebrating with some weird ass ceremony in a temple. Which is exactly what happened in the Lions and Bears game. The Lions had a bunch of dudes die and the Bears ended up celebrating in some weird ass ceremony in a temple. They also had a wookie, although that may have just been a drunken Kyle Orton crashing the party to visit old friends. Or maybe that was all a dream. I don't know, and really, who does?

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