Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Well, At Least They Won

The putrescence of my predictions has frozen him in perpetual pain. ALLITERATION~

I am just making myself look like an ass with these predictions, but I don't mind occasionally looking like an ass, especially when my team finally wins a game. I suppose I could be worried that it somehow kills my credibility, but only a great fool would think that he has any credibility at all when he writes about football on the internet, and only a greater fool would think he has any credibility when the stuff he writes includes frequent references to Hitler, werewolves, vampire apes and other assorted nonsense. I am just a dude, and let's see how terribly wrong this particular dude was this week.

PREDICTION #1

WHAT I SAID: Kevin Smith rushes for 80 hard earned yards on a lot of carries and ends up right around 100 total yards for the game. He'll also score a touchdown.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED:
Smith ran for 101 yards on 16 carries and added 3 catches for 18 yards before leaving the game with an injured shoulder in the second half. He also failed to score. Well, okay. He did end up with around 100 total yards, finishing with 119, but the rest of this shit was just all wrong. I pictured a grinding sort of game where Smith would pick up three yards a carry, sort of like last week. Instead, he piled up over six yards a carry and would have probably ended up around the 150 yard mark in rushing if he wouldn't have been injured. When it comes to being wrong, these are the sort of things I like to be wrong on. It's certainly a change, to watch my guys do better than I expected, and so I will not bitch about this one.

PREDICTION #2

WHAT I SAID:
Clinton Portis rushes for around 100 fairly nondescript yards. He never makes a really big play and the Lions do just enough to keep him from making a real difference.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Well, 12 carries for 42 yards is sort of like 100, right? RIGHT? No? Okay, fine. Portis was a complete non-factor, getting shut down by Detroit's surprisingly strong run defense. In the first half, Portis got his ass kicked and most of those 42 yards came in the second half, with the Redskins already trailing. He never did make a big play and he didn't make a difference, so to hell with it, I am invoking THE SPIRIT OF THE PREDICTION clause which states that even when I am wrong, I am right.

PREDICTION #3

WHAT I SAID: Matthew Stafford makes fewer mistakes this game and adds in one big play. The final result is a modest game, completing somewhere between 50 and 60 percent of his passes, which isn't really all that good, but it's better than nothing. He throws for 175 yards or so and a touchdown. He also throws an interception, but just the one. Progress!

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Okay, so the final numbers were a little off, but I feel like, again, I kind of got this one right. Stafford finished 21-36 for 241 yards and 1 touchdown with 0 interceptions. Stafford did indeed make fewer mistakes this week, and his completion percentage was 58.3, which falls in line with my prediction. He ended up throwing for a little more yardage, but I'm not about to bitch about that. Okay, so here is where I am going to whine and you will be disgusted with me. I didn't want to predict an interception, but I felt like I had to given the nature of the first couple of games and because I had become convinced that this would be an ugly game. So, I never really thought that he would throw an interception. Okay? OKAY? Yeah, I am weaseling my way out of this one. I don't care. I was right, damn it! Give this to me. COME ON. LOOK INTO YOUR HEARTS.

PREDICTION #4

WHAT I SAID: Chris Cooley catches 10 passes for 110 yards and is the single biggest headache the Lions face all day.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED:
Well, uh, shit. Cooley caught 3 measly passes for 38 yards and was mostly invisible all day. This one was a big fat bomb. I can't even make some sort of bullshit argument like I got the spirit of the pick right or try to weasel my way out of it by saying I didn't really mean it. I meant this one and I was horribly wrong. Again, I'm glad that I was, but still, it's never fun to be made to look like a ridiculous ass. I know that is weird seeing as how I spend so much time here making myself look like a ridiculous ass, but I am a complicated man, okay? Anyway, in my defense, the Lions always seem to get burned by a tight end and when I made this prediction I kept thinking back to the preseason game where Dallas Clark unleashed his inner Ike Turner on the Lions' Tina. Plus, I have Chris Cooley in one of my fantasy football leagues and if he had a big day, at least it would help me there. Yes, I know that it is shameful that I made a prediction based on fantasy football, especially when it came at the expense of the team that I root for in real life, and yes, I know I just admitted for everyone to see that I am in multiple leagues. I should just stop talking right now, but that dignity train pulled away from the station loooong ago. I am a Lions fan after all. Besides, I won this week in that league anyway, so I'm glad Chris Cooley didn't do shit. SO THERE. I have no idea what I am even blathering on about or why I got so indignant there. I am just confused, and so let's move on before this gets really sad.

PREDICTION #5

WHAT I SAID: St. Calvin ends up north of 100 yards for the first time this season and scores a touchdown on a huge play at some point. He then ascends to heaven where he spends the rest of the week chilling with angels before coming back to work next weekend.

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED: Okay, look, Calvin Johnson is going to break out one of these weeks. He just is. We all know it. So you can't really blame me for picking this to happen every week. Of course, this week, like the first two, I was wrong. St. Calvin caught 5 passes for a decidedly un-saint like 49 yards. He also added 1 rush for 9 yards. But, like last week, St. Calvin had a big play taken away when he was called for offensive pass interference on a deep bomb that he caught. Did he push off of the defender? Okay, sure, maybe a little. But he is a saint and how dare those filthy refs dishonor such a glorious man? If the play would have stood, it would have pushed St. Calvin to around the 100 yard mark and so to hell with everyone, I am calling this one a win. What's that? I can't do that? I don't care. The Lions won and I am delirious. Leave me alone. Also, I don't recall seeing St. Calvin after the game so I will assume that he did indeed ascend to heaven and has chilled with angels ever since.

2 comments:

Ty said...

Man, I feel you on your Stafford prediction. I get it completely. That one is Neil Win in my book.

Peace
Ty

Neil said...

Thank you, Ty. I knew if anyone would understand, it would be you.