Monday, September 21, 2009

Random Gibberish

This poor son of a bitch has clearly been infected with Lions Disease

I am not entirely sure what this post is about or if it has a point, or if I will do it as a fairly regular thing, but to hell with all that, there were a few things in the Lions game against the Vikings that I didn't mention that I kind of wanted to that didn't really fit into whatever idiotic narrative I was trying to spin in my initial post about the game, and so here we go - as soon as I end this ridiculous run on sentence.

FAVORITE SUBPLOT


Last season, when the Lions and Vikings met, Gosder Cherilus infamously tried to take out Jared Allen's knees, leading Allen to jump up and chase after Cherilus like an irate vampire ape, which I have recounted several times on this blog. So, naturally, I laughed when Cherilus snuck up on Allen, who was battling in a pile, and dragged him out of there, and then flopped on his ass when one of Allen's teammates came to his defense and shoved Gosder. Cherilus drew a fifteen yard penalty which, if I recall, set the Lions up for their only touchdown of the game. Good show, Gosder. Good show. I imagine that Jared Allen has a picture of Cherilus taped up in his locker and he just stares at it before and after every practice. The next time these two teams meet, Allen might just charge out of the tunnel and start wailing on Gosder.

HE'S JUST A SMILIN' FOOL

Hey, did you hear that Brett Favre just loves to play football? He's just out there havin' fun, smilin', laughin', dreamin' about Wranglers and vicodin. I think it was in the second quarter before the announcers broke down and began gushing about Favre, tossing out all those clichés that used to make John Madden need to change his panties. In a sense, I admire their restraint. I mean, you know it had to be hard for them not to start speaking in tongues and genuflecting as soon as he took the field. On the other hand, perhaps their Favrelust was sated by the bizarre pre-game clip of Favre, wearing a microphone, assing around with his teammates, who all seemed vaguely uncomfortable with Favre's vaguely homoerotic playfulness. The highlight was Favre slapping his teammates repeatedly on the ass. These weren't little love taps either. No, these were some hard slaps, real stinging, punishing kinds of smacks. It was all very, very weird.

BEST MOMENT

This game didn't have a lot of memorably good moments for the Lions. The one that stands out the most was Calvin Johnson taking a pass and then turning it up field, almost breaking away completely before being hauled down after a long gain. It was quintessential St. Calvin, displaying his terrific hands, his ridiculous speed and his phenomenal power. He's the complete package. He can do anything he wants and when he gets the ball with just a little bit of room he can destroy you. Of course, the play was called back because of a bullshit illegal cut block call, but CJ is a Detroit Lion, and, well, these things happen.

WORST MOMENT

There was a moment late in the game when my man Ernie Sims appeared to be hurt. It was terrible. The poor dude was writhing around on the sideline. It didn't look good and I began to prepare myself for a season sans the Lizard King, but Sims eventually walked off the field under his own power and everything seems to be okay. I am sure that he just went home and got a deep tissue massage from his monkey or something.

WHO HAS THE MARQUAND MANUEL VOODOO DOLL?


Seriously. Come on. Manuel limped off the field with the help of the trainers after injuring his knee early in the game. So I was surprised to see him back out there not that much later. And then he went down again and had to be helped off the field by the trainers once more. I figured he must have rushed back into the game and that his knee was too fucked up and he restrained it or whatever. Then, as they were going to commercial, you could hear one of the trainers say "It's his other knee." Come on. I mean, that's just ridiculous, right? The poor guy survives a scary twist of the knee, or whatever the hell happened to him the first time, only to have the same thing happen to the other knee. I was even more surprised when he was back in the game AGAIN. He either has the worst luck or the best luck. I'm not sure which. He is a Lion, so probably the worst.

4 comments:

Neil said...

Maaaaaaaan. Of course, as soon as I post this, I read elsewhere that Ernie Sims has a "fairly significant" shoulder injury. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!

Ty said...

Well I tell you what--we will quickly see exactly how much of a bust Dizon/Levy are. Maybe a little competition is just what Cinnabon needs to rekindle his competitive fire.

Peace
Ty

Neil said...

I seem to recall that Gun apparently likes Dizon, so . . . yeah. But still, not MY MAN ERNIE. This is terrible news. I hope his monkey is a certified grief counselor or else the Sims Kingdom might be a somber place indeed.

Marcus said...

weird