Sunday, August 30, 2009

The Lions Won and Ernie Sims has a Monkey



The good news is that the Lions won. The bad news is that the defense, particularly the pass defense, looked like utter shit. To be fair, both Anthony Henry and Phillip Buchanon missed the game, but even had they played, Peyton Manning's QB rating probably would have just been comfortably in the triple digits instead of something which needed NASA scientists to calculate. Although, we could probably just do away with QB ratings altogether, just look around at one another, nod our heads, and agree to give Manning the ever so scientific rating of "Almost Perfect" and our pass defense the equally complex rating of "Fucking Horrible."

But, the Lions did win, and Ernie Sims does indeed have a monkey(more on that a little later), so all things considered, it was a pretty good day to be a Lions fan. The offense looked good, capable of moving the ball both on the ground and through the air. The quarterbacks looked good. Culpepper moved well in the pocket, Stafford's arm was ridiculous in all the best ways, and Stanton, well, Stanton is a gamer(There, I said it.)

Right now, if Daunte Culpepper were to start, I would be disappointed, but I wouldn't be disgusted. That doesn't sound like much, but Lions fans must work within the various shades of disappointment and anger in order to survive without going insane and running through the streets at night, scraping their knuckles on the pavement while they hoot and holler, flinging their shit at stunned pedestrians, screaming obscenities and terrifying small animals and old people. It is something you just have to live with, the knowledge that you will be sad and disappointed no matter what. Hopefully, that is all a mindset of the past, but as I have said before, Culpepper is a remnant of that terrible past, and if he starts, we will all have to live in that mindset for a while longer. The point of all this weird gibberish is that within that framework of negativity, Culpepper as a starter might not entirely be a bad thing, worth a few frowns and shakes of the head, but not worth setting yourself on fire like a Buddhist monk or anything. It might cause a few long looks at the ol' drain cleaner, but fuck it, if you are a Lions fan and you haven't chugged that shit like you were a freshman in college at your first house party and someone just introduced you to a beer bong, chances are that shit is staying put. I mean, it's not like they can go 0-18 or something like that. (Right? I mean, that's not possible, is it? Oh God . . .)

All that nonsense is an extremely(exxxxttttttrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeemely)backhanded way of saying that Culpepper doesn't look so bad. Of course, I am still firmly in the camp that thinks that Stafford should start right away. He can make all the throws in the world. Then again, everyone already knew that, and that was never in question. What everyone fears out of Stafford is a game like the one against the Browns last weekend, where it seemed like his body was possessed by the soul of a certain piano playing, smiling fool. But, Stafford bounced back. He moved the offense well, made some huge throws, and should have put a couple of touchdowns on the board if the offensive line didn't give out inside the five like it did on a couple of occasions. He really only made one bad throw. And no, it wasn't on the ball that got picked. That one was a deep bomb near the end of the half. That shit happens to every quarterback. The one bad throw he made was when he was being hauled down by a defender who blew through the line on one of those aforementioned plays inside the five. Stafford just sort of threw the ball to the end zone and he was lucky the ball wasn't picked. Still, even on that throw, St. Calvin almost came down with it for the touchdown and the Lions ended up kicking a field goal. So really, Stafford's one bad throw of the game almost resulted in a touchdown on a play that was blown up by the defense and didn't end up hurting the Lions at all. I will take that every time. Besides, this game showed that Stafford is capable of getting right back up and doing the job after shitting the bed. And really, isn't that what most people are worried about, that as a young quarterback he'll crack if he gets hit or has a bad game? I say put him out there and start moving forward now instead of waiting six games or whatever, when the team is 2-4 and everyone has decided fuck this season already.

Matthew Stafford is the Lions. They are both going to have good games and bad games. They are going to make us have horrible flashbacks to the bad old days, and they are going to do things that give us hope going forward. I would rather have them both grow together, organically. I think that is the only way this thing is really going to work. Everything has to be in sync, and when it finally locks in for good, everyone will be moving at the same speed, the same pace, and we can finally get the hell out of this shit hole we have been wallowing in for the past half century.

Okay, enough of that nonsense. The most important thing that I learned in yesterday's game was that, yes, Ernie Sims has a monkey. Along with his menagerie of lizards, snakes and all other manner of wild animals, The Lizard King, aka The Python King Cinnabon Sims, has a monkey. This is amazing. I had my notebook out, but this week I didn't really take any notes, largely because I am not that dude, and when I do take notes, my writing tends to suck ass. I am terrible at following an outline, and I prefer to just freeball it(yeah freeball it, I said it, leave me alone)and just write without really thinking too much about it. I might have a general idea of where I want to go, but I like to just sit down and write and see where it goes. But I am getting into too much writing nerdery and am straying off the point, which is that ERNIE SIMS HAS A MONKEY. So anyway, I wasn't taking any notes and then Ernie Sims was interviewed on the sidelines - he wasn't even dressed to play and yet he was the highlight of the game for me. Is it any wonder why he is my favorite player? Again, anyway, back to the point, when they mentioned that Sims has a monkey I grabbed my notebook and almost one whole page is devoted to the words HOLY SHIT ERNIE SIMS HAS A MONKEY, written all sloppy, like a retarded nine year old scribbled them. If anyone ever finds this notebook that I have begun half assedly keeping notes in for Lions games, they will have me beaten and then committed. The whole thing is just a bunch of gibberish like that, and I am vaguely uncomfortable that it is all a window into my weird ass brain.

JESUS, I am rambling like a damn loon. Anyway, the important thing is that Ernie Sims has a monkey. I can just imagine the two of them, chilling out at home after the horrors of 0-16, Ernie all depressed, and the monkey doing whatever he can to cheer him up until finally, Ernie cracks a smile and thanks to his monkey knows that everything will be alright. God bless you, monkey. It also makes me wonder whether the monkey is toilet trained or whether it just shits wherever it pleases. And does it throw it's shit? Like, are Ernie and his wife ever just chilling, maybe eating a nice dinner or something, and the little guy just starts throwing shit rockets at them? I bet Ernie's wife gets all pissed off and Ernie just shakes his head and tells her he'll deal with it and then him and the little guy just laugh their asses off about it later.

This is something I never really considered, but with all those animals, who cleans up all that shit? I mean, Ernie is a millionaire, he probably doesn't need to do any of that stuff, but he is also clearly an animal lover and so I imagine that he doesn't mind getting his hands a little dirty, like when a parent doesn't mine changing a shitty diaper even though the rest of us can't even imagine doing such a thing without vomiting everywhere. I don't know, I have so many questions. I am fascinated by all this.

After the whole monkey thing sunk in, the interview continued and the interviewer mentioned that Ernie recently got a new bird and then said that Mrs. Ernie(The Lizard Queen? Madame Cinnabon?)said that was it, that they were apparently at max capacity for their little animal kingdom. And then Ernie, in all his wisdom, was all WE'LL SEE ABOUT THAT, and my love for that great man was further cemented. I hope that glorious king and his no doubt beautiful queen reign for a million years, and that their kingdom of noble monkeys, wise lizards, brilliant snakes and dignified birds flourishes in the midst of this strange and savage world.

There were some bad things on Saturday. I mean, the defense couldn't cover anybody and no one could tackle anyone either. I'm pretty sure that Gunther Cunningham had to strangle a bag full of puppies to get through the night. But the important thing to remember is this: the Lions won and Ernie Sims has a monkey. And since we are optimists and gentlemen, we will focus on that and head into the week with smiles on our faces and love in our hearts.

Note: Jesus, I just reread all that before posting it and I swear I am not coked up and I promise that I don't need massive amounts of Adderall. I blame my love for Ernie Sims, and if that is wrong, then I don't want to be right.

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