Tuesday, September 9, 2008


I, like at least half of the people reading this, am the child of two divorced parents. Divorce is an ugly thing at times, especially when it is in its earliest stages. So many things that had been held back for so long make their way to the surface. So many previously hidden feelings being made known. And the longer a divorce drags on the uglier and nastier it gets. The Oakland Raiders are in the midst of a shitting bitch of a divorce right now as Head Coach Lane Kiffin and Defensive Coordinator Rob Ryan just don't love each other anymore. This began as last season ended. Lane called Rob into his office and told him that he wasn't happy. The magic was gone. It was over and that he needed to leave. Rob was incensed at this and immediately barged into Al Davis' office and no doubt began to sob uncontrollably. Al, refusing to see man undo what God had brought together, demanded that the two former lovers mend the relationship. Not for their own sake. For the children. Al sat them down and let them air out their grievances. Rob said Lane is an immature lover. Lane said Rob wasn't even his choice for a spouse and that he was forced onto him by Al himself. In the end, Al decided that no, Rob wasn't going anywhere and if Lane didn't like, well, there's the fucking door, kid. The two men, both stubborn and unwilling to admit to their own contributions to the demise of the relationship, decided that they would do everything they could to keep up appearances. They both knew that the relationship was dead, but they had 52 young boys to look after. They were going to make it work.

The Summer of Reconciliation started out well enough. Rob had been saying for years that he really wanted a flashy DB to beef up his secondary. Al opened up the purse strings and got him one. In an effort to appease Lane he got him the game breaking RB that he so badly wanted. Al figured that if the two lovers were given what they needed that it would help speed up the healing process. Oh, how wrong he was. Instead of being happy with their newfound gains, the two began trying to one up each other. "He got a running back! I want a new safety!" "You just bought him a safety while knowing full well that I need a starting wideout?" Before all was said and done, millions of Al's dollars were spent on hundreds of dollars of talent. The rift between the two continued to grow.

They did their best to try and hide the fact that they were trapped in a loveless marriage from the kids, but soon enough they began to catch on. After watching Papa Al overrule Lane time and time again in favor of Rob, the kids realized that Lane had no power. They started to mouth off to Lane. They ignored Lane. Whenever they wanted to do something they'd ask Rob. Knowing full well that he had no standing in the family structure, Lane still continued to press on. If this thing was going to fail it wouldn't be because he didn't try.

The wheels finally came off the wagon last night when the Shannahan's came over and watched as Lane and Rob took turns burying each other. The two had reached the point of no return, and it became obvious that despite Al's guidance and direction, the marriage was over. The next morning Lane packed up all of his things and moved into the garage. This way he no longer has to look at Rob, and he's still there for the kids even if they could give a shit less. The divorce is inevitable. All that remains to be seen is who will get to stay in the house and who will have to GTFO.

1 comment:

Neil said...

Al Davis is the worst mother in law EVER.