c i f i t n e i c S r D

Dr. Scientific is an old dude who fixes cars in a shop up at the crossroads of roads 690 and 702. He has homemade strawberry and peach wine, his old lady makes it. I go there, watch him sand down old cars and make them look new and weird and he sells them to all his grandkids' delinquent friends for cheap. He knows a lot of stuff, he was in the air force and shit, so you can send me questions for him and I’ll ask him. It might take a couple of weeks each time I do a Dr. Scientific column, because he’s the type of old school redneck dude that would freak if I just asked him shit too much. So I have to work it into the conversation in between slugs of peach wine.

QUESTION: Neo-nazis and Aryan fucks, along with the black Muslims, are always talking about the coming race war. Is there going to be one? And if so, who will win? – The Bishop

ANSWER: I don't know. I've pulled a few weekends in the regional jail, and what always got me was how it's so segregated in there. And it has to be. If you roll in as a white dude, you gotta roll with other white dudes, or it's a dick up your ass in the showers on a Saturday night. In jail, you basically have to have people think you have alliances and shit. And there's a lot of black and white hostility in there. My second cousin is in Greensville right now, for killing some dude with a hammer all fucked up one night, and he's got all these white pride tattoos and shit, even though he was the one most likely to roll up to the party with a car full of black dudes back in the day. And black chicks. The way he talks, it's about to blow up every minute, the black dudes hate white guys. Which is weird to me, too, because they're all prisoners of some other dude sitting up on the hill banging that gavel. There probably will be a race war, and that dude up on the hill is gonna win, because he'll just be sitting up there watching all us chop each other up.

QUESTION: When the shit hits the fan and the jackbooted ambassadors of the Bush Reich come to deal with our unpatriotic thoughts, where's the best place to go to hide out? – Irish Paul

ANSWER: I heard Montana is a good place. Wide open spaces, less-worrisome cops, plenty of places where you can hunker down and see whoever's coming in come in. Like those Freemen guys a few years back, they seemed like decent folk. I don't wanna pay taxes either, I'm just too caught up in all these bills and shit to bust a move like they did. One, I don't have a lot of land where I could hunker down in the middle of it. Two, shit, I'm caught up in the crap. Got a Visa card now, and plus still paying restitution on some shit every month, always dodging support with the ex, and now my new ol' lady is trying to talk me into one of those damned cell phones. I don't answer the fuckin' phone in my house; why would I want to wear a goddamnd phone?

QUESTION: Why are white people so evil? – Suzy Mack

ANSWER: Shit, I don't think it's white people. I don't know what it is. People have got their priorities all screwed up. Like when you think about this shit, gold is a shiny piece of shit. But people in history get all excited by it because of how we make value out of it. So some people kill some other people to get some damn shiny shit out the ground. Same thing with oil, black gold, Texas tea. We're gonna have wars over that shit, because we wouldn't give half a fuck if those Arabs were suicide bombing the fuck out of each other if they didn't have that oil. And that's the whole basis of how we live, little scraps of paper we put value on. Shit, you know how many fucked up looks I got when I bought my place. (Note: when Dr. Scientific bought his land, he had saved money from fixing up old cars and selling them, would put the money in mason jars and bury it at spots he memorized around junk cars. When he got ready to buy his property, he dug up like $20,000 worth of mason jars, went and bought the shop and house he's based at.) They wanted credit cards and papers to be filled out and lawyers and dudes in suits and all that shit. And here I was, with some dirty jars full of crumpled up money. People've got their priorities all screwed up. People down the road from me complain because I've got the junk cars around the shop and all, uptight fuckers, but they didn't complain when my electricity got cut off last winter and I was sitting in that dark-ass house. They don't stop by to say "hello", but they'll call the county and complain about the cars. I guess they're the type of white people you was talking about, hunh?

QUESTION: Why do porn stars have the worst tattoos? – Charlee A

ANSWER: Hahaha. I don't know, I never looked at the tattoos too much. They look like regular tattoos to me. I like tattoos on a chick, shows they got a wild side to 'em. Then again, the girls nowadays, you can't spit without hitting a belly button ring or a fuckin' sun tattooed on a girl's ass.

QUESTION: I am in college now and my question is why does just about every one of my professors seem like the rookie kid on the job who you have to tell where Winthrop Square is about a thousand fucking times? – John the Package King

ANSWER: Professors are, nine times out of ten, really nice dumbasses. There's an English professor from UVA who lives over on 620, he's actually kind of like you (Note: Dr. Scientific was talking about me, the wack-ass Confederate Mack), always asking a bunch of dumb questions. Hahaha. Anyways, most of them dudes seem like really nice guys, but they don't know a whole lot. I mean, they might have book sense, but they can never figure out how to pop the clutch on a car to start it. Shit, they usually won't drive a standard transmission.

QUESTION: I was wondering why there is a large proportion of fat, overweight Eskimo women working at Taco Bell? I just don't get it. – Donutboy

ANSWER: I don't know about no Eskimos, but I know that one in town has a bunch of fat Mexican women working there. I just figured they were new in the area, and didn't know nobody, and the men were probably laying brick or cutting grass or painting houses or some shit, so the women had to get a job, too. There ain't too many shitty jobs for broke-ass women. You either work at the store or you go to a fast food joint.

QUESTION: When I was younger, me and my friends found that if you take the plastic shell part off a spark plug, then break it into tiny pieces, then take one of those pieces, hold it in your hand and blow on it, then throw it at a car window, it will shatter the window. Not shatter like glass all over the place, but it will put a tiny hole through the glass and shatter the rest without actually falling. So what the fuck is in the plastic shell of a spark plug and how does it do this? – Mike DIKK

ANSWER: I never tried that, but I will tomorrow, to see what happens. I never heard of nothing like that, either, and I don't see what blowing on the damn thing would cause it to do. I figure it just hit the glass with a tiny piece of hard plastic, like a pussy bullet almost, so it just spiderwebs the window. I've seen people do that shit swatting a mosquito on the window with a ring on. Windshields are weird, with all that anti-shatter shit going on.

QUESTION: I started taking headache powders a few years ago and I find they work shitloads better than regular aspirin. So why are they only popular in the south, while people in the north don't even know what they are? Do they only work on southerners or something? – Andrew Tsks

ANSWER: Richard Petty. He was bad-ass, him and Cale Yarborough bumping and grinding all day long. You can't do shit like that now. You see how they had Tony Stewart on probation all year long, and Kevin Harvick got suspended, and he was doing the same thing Dale taught him and that all the guys used to do. Fuckin' Nascar is a bunch of pussies, all talking like girls like Jeff Gordon and shit. Richard Petty does those Goody's commercials on the radio. I use BCs. It always seemed like a couple lines of crank inside wax paper to me. Shit, we used to mix them with crank and snort that to make things last a little longer. They don't use that in the north? You'd figure people'd use them wherever they might have headaches and all. I've only been up through the north one time, and it was one big fuckin' headache dealing with those assholes, so I'd figure they'd have BCs in machines in the bathroom, right next to the ribbed rubbers.

QUESTION: Is the South gonna rise again? – The Bishop

ANSWER: I hope not, because every time I turn around there's another suburb going up with fuckers from Pennsylvania and New York and shit moving down here. They've taken over the south, to where you can't get an egg biscuit at the store anymore, but they got those fuckin' croissant things. Looks like bread in the shape of a turd, with food in the middle of it. How am I supposed to eat that crap? And I don't have nothing against people for the most part, to each his own. But I don't like folks enforcing their bullshit on me, like the dude down the road calling the county on my junk cars. And those people from up north moving down here, they are first class assholes, trying to tell you you need a nicer grocery store or you can't go in their neighborhood without clearing it first or some dumb shit. Lake Monticello has those little barcode stickers to get through the damn electronic gate! And it's all people from up north living there, right here in Fluvanna County. And if the South rises, it's gonna be those people pretending to be from the South because they live here now. It used to be real laid back around here, nobody bothered nobody and everybody waved at each other. These motherfuckers will probably rise up and have a fuckin' Rebel Yell Bagel Shop in two years time. Goddamnit.

QUESTION: What the fuck is the deal with Lynyrd Skynyrd? Have you seen them guys lately? – The Confederate Mack

ANSWER: "Forget your lust for the rich man's gold. All that you need is in your soul." Man, Ronnie Van Zant was the fuckin' man. They were first getting big back in my day, you know. "Down South Jukin'"? Cleaning the place up to get some honies over and get drunk? Man, don't you know it. I don't know. I saw them at the State Fair last year, and I don't know. We left to go look at the pigs. They just don't got it anymore. And I watched that thing on TV about them all fighting with each other. That Artimus Pyle guy is some fuckin' kung fu hippie now, and the rest of the guys hate him, and he hates them, and everybody hates everybody. Man, Ronnie Van Zant was the glue that held that thing together. Because those dudes carried on back in the day, like bonafide insane rock stars, throwing TVs out the window of the hotel and smashing up brand new cars and not even caring. But Ronnie kept everybody in line. They had a message. "Freebird" man. There's a reason that song is so fuckin' popular, it says some things that need to be said. Same with "Simple Man". Shit, that's pure preacher gospel right there. All their old shit is like that. And the dudes left, they're just living off that stuff from back then, getting fat, old, rich and being assholes to each other, while Ronnie Van Zant is sitting up in Heaven, waiting for 'em to croak so he can clock each one of them with a pool cue as they walk in one day.

QUESTION: Why the fuck does my belly button stink like hell when I get home from work? – Harpo Garza

ANSWER: That's where your soul is, where you get gut feelings and all. Your natural feelings. It's where you get all stressed out at, too. It's also where the umbilical cord to your mama was, tying you to her and all. So I'd say, if you're belly button stinks like hell, you probably got a shitty job and your soul ain't happy. I've been there before. We all have.

QUESTION: Why should or shouldn't I get my kid circumcised? – Big Jon Burr

ANSWER: It kind of freaks me out because back in my day, they just did that shit without asking, so everybody's dick looks like that. But now, they ask you. You know what? If I just had a baby boy pop out my ol' lady, and it's my boy and some dude rolls up asking if I want him to go to cutting at my boy who was just born, ain't no way I'd let him do it. No fuckin' way. Then again, I don't want him to have a fucked up looking dick either.

QUESTION: When I was younger, I always thought older people were stupid for putting shit down I liked and saying shit was better back in their day. Now that I am older, I find myself saying the same stuff. Am I just getting old or does stuff really suck a lot more now? – Mike DIKK

ANSWER: Stuff is always getting worse. Always. My mama told me the Rolling Stones were the devil's music and I thought she was crazy. Then I got older. Kids coming by the compound, my nephew, because they can stand there and drink a couple beers and smoke a joint and I won't hassle them as long as they're cool about it, and they listen to that rap shit. And I can't understand a fuckin' word of it. That was a few years back when Leroy came by listening to that shit. Now, all of them listen to that shit. And I just don't get it. But I don't say nothing, as long as they don't play it in my shop, because I remember my mama telling me how the Rolling Stones were the devil's music. But in my shop, you play my music. Or some shit I'll like. This one kid who came over with Leroy one time, he got all pissed off at me. He had that cornrowed gangster hair shit, but it was long. Well, this kid goes over the stereo and puts in some of that rap metal shit. Now, I liked some metal back in the days, not all that death and blood nonsense, but I dug some metal, if I could understand the words. This rap metal shit he put on was terrible. I told the kid to take it out, and he didn't. Then I told Leroy to go take it out and the kid was like, "No, hold up, I wanna hear this next song." So I went over the stereo and took the tape and dropped it on the floor and stomped on it with my boot, and said, "We ain't gonna listen to that shit anymore, not in my shop motherfucker." And I felt bad, because the kid looked like he was gonna shit his pants, standing there with his gangster hair and baggy pants and shit. I put on my Bob Seger live tape and gave the kid a beer. So yeah, things ain't as good now, but also when you get older, you've got less time for dumb shit.

QUESTION: Why is it that one woman will seem sexier with ambition, while another woman with ambition may come off as a total bitch? – Frank Zappa Mask

ANSWER: Pure sexual attraction. We're all animals, basically, and one chick could do the exact same thing as another chick, but the one with her tits just kind of showing out the top of her button down shirt will draw our attention. We think with our dicks. You could throw me down a mountain, and once I got to the bottom, all busted up, nothing would feel better than sex. Nothing. Women talk shit because they have a period and go through having children and all, but I think they underestimate what having a dick attached to you means. It's crazy. It's like having a little retarded kid on your body, who all of a sudden gets all excited and is jumping around and you have no idea why. It doesn't make sense. When we get teases of having sex, even if it's nothing a woman meant to do, like a pretty girl saying "hello" in the morning, or smiling at you, we think we might have sex and treat them better. But some women are uptight, and dress uptight, and you know that one, you're not gonna have sex with them, and two, you don't even wanna have sex with them, so fuck them. They're the bitches. The ugly ones we don't want to have sex with. Or the ones who won't fuck us.

QUESTION: What is it about guys like me that can bang 3 or 4 chicks out of a group of 5 girl buddies? I mean, I don't have anything super special about me. I'm short, kinda slim, not the most attractive, or really have any money, and my ass is constantly playing wiping tricks on me, but I take care of myself and have an ego and come off naturally kinda arrogant. I tell all women that I'm Trophy Cock. I shouldn't get any ass at all. The real problem is down at the honkytonk on dollar drink night, these 5 chicks come in. One is a slut I was peer pressured into banging, then I did her roommate who dated my best buddy a while back, then we tag teamed her over a headstone in a cemetery one night and now refer to her as "ol' reliable". So I decide I'm gonna bang one of those girls and it's not gonna be ol' reliable. Ol' reliable's new roomie is this big-tittied boring hot chick (BTBHC) that the hard-up rednecks just cream over. She had a crush on me, but wouldn't act 'cause I banged her roomie when no other trim was available. Well, she has a buddy that hated me 'cause she has real fair skin and I called her Casper one night. So me and Casper get to talking, find out we're a great match even though she got drunk and did my friend Tony a couple months ago. So the other girls get pissed and tell her I'm off limits, ol' reliable put in dibs on me, even though she was sluttin' it up with some other dude. Yeah, so BTBHC forces Casper to take her home so we couldn't hook up. 30 minutes later I get a ring on the celly phone and we hook up anyways. I could really dig this Casper chick, but BTBHC is gonna be a big problem, do I solve this by telling her, "You want it, I got it, let's bang?" and try to do a three-way with two friends, or walk away wishing chick buddies approached sex like guy buddies do? Is this a lost cause? Should I concentrate on banging all five of them and call it a day? – Seeing All Red

ANSWER: What? I'd say you're fucked because you're thinking about that shit too much. And let me get this straight, this guy and his friend fucked the same chick at the same time? That's fuckin' queer. I wouldn't do that shit. You see, I'm all man. And if I'm naked, getting down and dirty with some chick, I don't want to see a naked dude, and definitely don't want to touch a naked dude. I'm not talking about sexual shit. I mean, I don't want to be naked in a bed with a girl, doing our thing, and have my naked knee touch a guy's naked foot. Nothing. I'd say, yeah, you're wasting your time. You're wasting your time worrying about some stupid shit, and you're probably hanging out with some stupid chicks. A pack of girlfriends will always be girlfriends. One of them is always the bad guy in the group at any given time, but they will always be like a gang. So get what you can before they figure you out and start talking shit about you all the time to each other.

QUESTION: When you smell someone's fart, you're smelling gases from inside their body. That's pretty sexual, huh? – Andrewbulous

ANSWER: I guess, if it's a chick. I mean, I guess it smells exciting in a way, but I ain't putting my fuckin' nose down there or anything. I ain't trying to get women to fart at me or some shit.

QUESTION: Why the fuck do I cup my hands and smell my own farts? – Mike Porkchops

ANSWER: What the fuck kind of website do you have? What the fuck is all this faggot shit? You got one guy asking about farts being sexual, then the next guy asks why does he smell his farts. You ought to hook these dudes up. They sound like a bunch of fags to me.

QUESTION: White sugar? Evil product of The Man? Corruptor of the little chilluns and destroyer of dental work? Martyred-by-the-hippies-and-dieticians modern version of natural foodstuffs? Neutral substance, having no inherenet "goodness" or "badness" with both positive and negative aspects, to be used and/or abused like anything else (i.e. marijuana reefer, alcohol, video games, petrol)? – Reverend Axl Future

ANSWER: I remember some dude in jail laying it out to me one time about sugar and shit. He was one of those weird dudes with a big tattoo of the pyramid with the eye from off of dollar bills across his chest, with wings wrapped in barbed wire. The way he explained it was, those old days when like England and Spain and China and all were sailing to find America, you know, we're always told it was for spices. But just like that song about girls being made of "sugar and spice, and everything nice," spices was just a way of covering up for the search for more sugar. Before they had refined sugar, there were kingdoms with strong-arm rulers who would lop your head off if you didn't follow their rules. But then refined sugar came along, and they gave it to the rich for a while, to build it up as a luxury in the minds of the people. Then they came out with the refined sugar in mass quantities for everyone. Pretty much anything that's refined, whether it's drugs, sugar, or some guy in one of those jackets with the funny elbow patch like Welcome Back Kotter, refined shit sucks. Either take it raw or don't take it at all, is what I say. Anyhow, when they found those islands, they found a shitload of sugarcane, too. So they tried to enslave the locals and make them work to produce all kinds of sugar for the new fiends back home. Didn't work, so they imported black folk. This is where they got the idea for slavery, out of the need to have fuckers work for free (this is why sugar is so cheap to this day). Anyways, the effects of sugar are that they weaken your ability to resist. Think about how high sugar diets make you fat and slow. This works mentally as well as physically. Thus, the Kingdoms, which were obviously just some fucker making you do what he said, gave way in a subtle switch to things like now, where we elect from a panel of the same type of fucker. It's just like a shitty King, except we think we have a choice, and we don't wanna resist cuz we're full of Kool-Aid and Reese's Cups. This dude in jail also told me something that freaked me out, too. Notice the strategic spreading out of candy-heavy holidays - Valentine's Day in Feb., Easter in April, ice cream man in the summertime, Halloween in October, and a stocking full of candy on Xmas. It's fucked-up, they get kids hooked on it by the time they're four, and it's all over from there. I only drink white liquor to avoid the sugars in brown liquor. Then again, I get my liquor from my cousin who makes it with potatoes anyways.

QUESTION: Why do some days feel longer than others? – Angie Not-At-Work

ANSWER: It's all in the drugs you do. You could do crank all weekend long and it could feel like 3 hours, until you come down. The next day after coming down, usually Tuesday when you think you'd better not call in sick to work two days in a row again, that shit is long as hell, and you're sweating and sucking down iced tea and taking breaks left and right, and you look at the clock and it's not even 11 yet. Lots of folks drink coffee as their drug to get through the work week, and they'll come down off the coffee buzz and things will slow down. It's the same withdrawal, just a different level than a weekend of crank. Same as with, like when you kick it with some chick in a hotel room all weekend, and you start to feel all happy cuz she's knew to you and doesn't yet complain about the drinking and shit, and you're laying there watching the World's Strongest Man on the cable TV and stroking her hair while she sleeps and she looks beautiful, not just in a ready-to-fuck-her-again beautiful way, but more of a let's go out to breakfast in the morning sort of way. Then, when you send her home and you go home and yall are gonna get up again, but you're at home by yourself on Sunday night trying to wind down from the weekend, and you think about dumb shit like that mole on her left tittie and how she smiles with her mouth pouting and all, you're in withdrawal. Withdrawal sucks. I prefer to use it all up, whether it's drugs, alcohol, or loving a chick. Use it up till it is all gone or tired of you and ready to leave. Then you fill that space with something else. That way all days are about the same, just different.

QUESTION: Do cloned animals (and in the future, humans) have souls? – Southern Fried Brent

ANSWER: I had a kid by this one chick that I was all in love with, and when she was pregnant, we stopped drinking and cussing around her belly, because we figured that the baby in there could vibe on that shit. We had a little girl, and she's just about the sweetest thing I've ever known. Even when she was little, she had that about her, long before her mom could teach her anything like how to be sweet. And it was all because of how we baked her in the oven, the oven being her mama's belly. This also explains why crack babies are fucked up and can't pay attention. From seeing this, I gotta think that cloned animals are gonna be screwed up in ways we can't really explain. I don't know if I'd call it soulless, because there's a difference between good/evil and soulless. Evil people are souls gone astray. And the soulless just kind of don't care one way or the other about anything. They're like androids in a 12-step program called life, they check off each one as they go and learn how to do things from magazines. Maybe these clones will just be more astray, and harder to pull in, cuz they wouldn't have the benefit of all that loving heat while they were baking in the oven. It'd be kind of like having a me who never got to sit on his uncle Ricky's knee and listen to him talk stories and learn. He'd just be some other me, running around, without bad tattoos.

QUESTION: So, why, for real, did General Lee surrender to General Grant at Appomattox Court House so many years ago? I realize we were getting our asses kicked pretty badly, but really? Did it help black folks, or were they just pawns in the game? – St. John the Pabstist

ANSWER: I grew up near that area, and here's the deal. High Bridge runs through Rice, which is near Saylor's Creek where the last battle was fought. The South was waiting for High Bridge to bring supplies. The Yankees took over both ends of the bridge and was gonna blow it up. The South ran, but they didn't have food, bullets, nothing really. The Yankees were catching up, and basically gonna murder them all, so Robert E. Lee let it be know they would surrender at Appomattox, since that was the closest courthouse they were near to, so that there wouldn't be an unfair bloodshed of the Yankees just shooting non-bullet having starving Southerners. A buddy of my uncle lived in a house near High Bridge that used to be a War of Northern Aggression Hospital, you had to ride along the railroad tracks to get to it. That was one creepy-ass place. I used to just play in the yard, I didn't like the house. As for blacks, yeah, it's obvious it helped black people immensely, because now they're mostly in jail instead of working real hard in a field where it's hot. They get to lift weights in jail, and fuck white guys up the ass. They couldn't do that when they were slaves.

QUESTION: Why do flies follow me on the way home from work when I walk along the pipeline? There must be about 30 flies on my back while I'm walking. I work in the butcher section of a supermarket. – Romo Gracie

ANSWER: You ever seen all the goddamned flies on a cow at a beef farm? Like hundreds and hundreds, and that big dumbass cow just stands there, flicking that weird brown tail around, acting like that helps. Well, the flies are sucking the blood out of the cow. I'm sure if flies have those weird thousand eyeball things on their little head, they got a pretty good nose, too. So they know what cow blood smells like. You work around that all day. That's why they're on your back. And there you go, walking along the pipeline, swatting at them with your weird arms, acting like that helps. We really ain't no better than any other animal. We just spend more time cooking other animals in oddball ways, using spices and fire and all sorts of unnecessary shit like that.

QUESTION: Why do all Armenian men seem vaguely homosexual? – Professor Todd K. Fabe

ANSWER: Armenians suck, more than any other type of person on Earth. I worked for two Armenian boys who had a painting company for like a year. They sucked. I think they seem homosexual because in Armenia, the television shows are all disco-style American sitcoms, just made nowadays by Armenians. So they all think having their shirt unbuttoned and wearing some weird gold chain is cool. And they talk in lots of cliches that regular men gave up on like 20 years ago and fags use because fags are all into retro stuff, even the sayings and all.

QUESTION: Explain why it is that the doctors grab your nuts and have you cough for a physical? – Long-haired Bryon

ANSWER: I never let them do that. A job that requires some dude grabbing my balls ain't no job for me. I don't even like my PO standing there while I piss during my visits so's I don't take out a little shampoo bottle that I heated up before I left the house, to use as my sample, and timing it so the temperature falls at just the right temperature so they think it's real.

QUESTION: How come Italians assimilate into rural southern areas so well (compared to Yankee immigrants)? – Buck Necked

ANSWER: I didn't know they did. I always looked at Italians as Yankees, just like regular Yankees and Puerto Ricans, too. They all have that weird curly black hair and get Tasmanian Devil tattoos and call coke "yay" and call stuff "wicked". And when they smoke those blunts, they still get all mean and yell "fuck" at people. When I smoke one of those blunts, it's just like a joint, I usually chill the fuck out and try to enjoy it. I'm not trying to start no fight with anybody. See, that's the problem with Yankees is they're always starting shit. And they don't know how to fuckin' be polite. They'll play poker on a Friday night, and go up like forty bucks, and there's still four other guys sitting there trying to win some money back, and the Yankee will just get up, with his beer still half-full, and leave for the night so he can win forty bucks. They just don't understand how things are.

QUESTION: Why can you close a bottle of Coke easily, but the next day your girlfriend can't get it open with a pair of pliers? – St. John the Pabstist

ANSWER: Women are weak. And they talk too much.

QUESTION: Why do the trivial and often stupid whims of women control our every moment? – Ten Dollar Dave

ANSWER: Because no matter how weak they are, and how much they talk, they've got that goddamned thing between their legs. And we want some of that. We want a lot of that. We want all of that we can get. My ol' lady asked me if we really thought about sex all the time, men, that is. And I told her that I could come home, flip the car over in the yard by accident, and have my legbone sticking out my skin like Joe Theismann, thrown fifty feet through the windshield, and if she came over wearing that blue tanktop she wears and leaned over to check on me, and I was scoping her titties, I'd be ready to fuck right there, as long as she didn't bump my legbone too much.

QUESTION: What in the fuck compels people to pull on a door repeatedly after the initial pull revealed the fucking door was locked? Is it that they didnt pull hard enough the first time or do they think that bitch will magically open for them on the 5th or 6th yank? –  Mr. Wrestling 69

ANSWER: As human beings, we've been so conditioned with all those bullshit "Dominion over the Earth" crap, that we think our brains are better than anything, even our own bodies. Your door example is just like watching some dude try to open a jar of pickles. They refuse to believe they can't make themselves open it, since it's just an object without a God-ordained brain like themself. And it's funny watching them struggle with the reality that they can't overrule everything. A good thing to do with a new guy on a paint crew is caulk, not white caulk but that clear thick silicone shit that dries in like 10 minutes, caulk his 5-way to the floor of the work van and laugh your ass off watching him from the top of the ladder. People think they're so smart.

QUESTION: Why does the headstone for Elvis at Graceland spell is middle name Aron with only 1 "A" instead of 2 "A"s as it is in his legal middle name? – Zucheo Trashe

ANSWER: Graceland is in Memphis, which is in Tennessee, which is full of ignorant fucks who get excited about Wal-Mart. They don't have time to check the spelling on tombstones because they might miss out on some super Dale Earnhardt memorabilia on the Nascar show on the Home Shopping Network.

QUESTION: Is there a such thing as ghosts? For real. - Mike DIKK

ANSWER: Hell yeah, there's ghosts everywhere. But I used to date this crazy chick who's Grandma was some wild Navajo medicine woman or some shit, and this crazy chick explained it to me like this - ghosts are not the evil demons you see in bullshit Hollywood flicks all the time. They're just folks who died and didn't know they died because it was unexpected. This is why you tend to see ghosts at murder scenes and battlefields and mental hospitals and shit like that. They just weren't expecting to die. So their spirit kind of just hangs out. This chick told me all you have to do is say "It's time for you to move on" and they'll realize they're supposed to split and they'll head off to that great big Ghostland in the Sky. I didn't really believe her until I moved into this old house down some railroad tracks that was a Civil War hospital back in the day. I had stripped all the plaster off the walls and was trying to redo the place, but it felt creepy as shit. I burned some sage (another helpful trick from the crazy chick's Navajo grandma) and kept the lights on at night and all kinds of shit, but it still felt weird, and the mirrors I got from the fair when I worked there would all fall off the wall and shit all the time. Then I remembered what Dawn (that was the crazy chick) had told me, and I just would say "It's time for you to move on" whenver I felt all weirded out or the Diver Down mirror fell off the shelf. After a few weeks, the place seemed cool and nothing more happened. I accidentally burned the place down one night when I was doing angel dust, but that's another story altogether.

QUESTION: I want a gas mask in case we're attacked, but I'm broke. How can I make a gas mask from household products? - Piper

ANSWER: Take some charcoal that you'd use for cooking out and all, put it in a pillowcase and smash it right good with a hammer. This will give you plenty of charcoal dust if you smash like say, 20 briquets. Then what you do is take you an old shampoo bottle and poke holes in the bottom of it with a the thickest sewing needle you can find in the house. Put about 3 inches worth of cotton balls in the shampoo bottle at the bottom, then pour about an inch or two of the charcoal dust in the bottle on top of that. Then what you do is cut off the top part of a 3-liter bottle of soda. Usually, all you can get in the 3-liter size is generic shit, but that's cool. I drink the hell out of Dr. Chek from Winn-Dixie, so it's cool. You cut the top off, then you caulk or superglue or epoxy the top of the shampoo bottle to the pour spout of the soda bottle, leaving the big end open. You can cut up a handkerchief to fit around the edge of the open part and duct tape it on there for a cushion. That part goes up against your mouth and nose, and I usually just tape it around my head with some duct tape. If you're trying to fight chemical fumes, you ain't gonna worry about some of your hair ripping out when you pull the duct tape back off. I'd suggest making like 4 or 5 of these things, so that you can run into the bathroom real quick and switch them when they stop working, which you'll be able to tell because you'll start smelling weird chemical shit like you were riding through Jersey.

QUESTION: I had a teacher in 7th grade who swore up and down that if you were trapped without water that you could drink you own urine, and it would continuously cycle through your body and eventually would be filtered so many times by your inner organs that it would eventually be 100% clean. This obviously bullshit....... isn't it? If it's true why don't we all drink our piss? - Harpo Garza

ANSWER: I'm sick and tired of hearing people say teachers should get paid more and they are so important. You're average teacher is a stoner trying to ogle young kids. They will tell you all kinds of dumb shit just to see if you'll believe it. Don't give it another thought. If your intuition makes you think drinking your own piss is bullshit, then go with that. You're probably smarter than some pervert teaching 7th grade anyway.

QUESTION: Is it really better to burn out than to fade away? I mean, really, take someone like Stevie Wonder. Back in the 70s, he was putting out some kickass tunes. Next thing you know, he's dueting with Babyface. - Isaac Shepherd

ANSWER: I don't know. I've always thought that burning out and fading away were pretty much the same thing, just burning out made you stupid in the brain and you would always tell the same story, while fading away meant you slowed down and kept your brain relatively intact, but were still a dumbass who didn't party anymore. I think it's better to just die while you're still cool. As for Stevie Wonder, I remember one time this college chick I was dating when I lived in Chapel Hill, North Carolina, we did acid together and listened to Stevie Wonder's Innervisions and got naked and just rubbed each other for like 6 hours. There was nothing sexual about it all, we were just fucked up and rubbing each other naked forever and listening to that record over and over. That's what Stevie Wonder makes me think of. And thinking of that makes me think about how I got that girl pregnant and instead of helping her out, I just moved down to Panama City, Florida, with my uncle. Now that was a party town.

QUESTION: Do you think anybody ever called Steve Miller "the gangster of love" or "the space cowboy" as he claims in his song "The Joker"? - Frisco Robby D

ANSWER: People really underestimate Steve Miller's importance and contributions to society. I know his Greatest Hits is kind of cliche to you younger folks, but Steve Miller, at one point, was the fuckin' shit. They had a live Steve Miller Band concert on syndicated TV back in the days, this was before Pay-Per-Views and all. Me and some buddies all got together and got high and drunk and hooked the stereo up to the TV and just vibed. You ever heard his old shit? You're goddamn right people called him the gangster of love and the space cowboy. Steve Miller is a fuckin' prophet that the man homogenized into a Greatest Hits CD to eternally push in the Columbia House 13 CDs for 2 bucks ads. Fuck that. Go dig out the full-length original LP sermons by Steve Miller and you'll realize that motherfucker is everything he says he is, and more. Steve Miller, motherfuckers. You best to understand it now.

QUESTION: Why are men attracted to large-breasted womenfolk? - Andrewbulous

ANSWER: Large-breasted women indicate engorged breasts, full of titty milk for a baby. This suggest fertility. And this is what any man is looking for. He may deny it, but deep down in the pure animal nature of his soul, he wants a fertile woman to fill with a baby. Men have always dug the large-breasted women. Oddly enough, women, or probably doctors looking to make a buck, noticed this, and created the breast implant. This is an abomination against nature. You ever notice when you watch a porn flick, how breast implants are so obvious because they don't bounce? This is because they're not natural. Gravity doesn't want to fuck with them. They just sit there, like plastic blocks on a bitch's chest. Breast implants are evil, and a trick meant to confuse man's natural desires to make children and continue the race of mankind. The worst is you see some big-titted chick, and they're fake, and she's got some skinny little ass that would never be able to handle a baby. C-sections are like breast implants, abominations. If you can't squeeze it out between your thighs, then you weren't meant to have a kid. It's the law of natural selection. I read about that shit in the ol' lady's Reader's Digest last month. And then somebody told me they heard this company just made something called a Wonderbum, which squeezes a chick's ass into fleshy cheeks and separates them, to create the illusion of a fat-ass on a shitty-assed woman. Fuck all this. Mankind will die quickly because we're breeding too many humans that would've quickly died out in a more natural world. By them living, the chances of them spreading their disease to us increases by a shitload. People don't understand that death is a self-defense mechanism for us humans as a whole. By allowing the weak to live through medicine and shit, we allow their diseases to infest the rest of us.

QUESTION: Why does my dog always stink, even right after a bath? - Clever Star

ANSWER: Some dogs aren't meant to smell good. They're meant to go live out in the country and let them out and never let them back in unless it's gonna get below freezing overnight, and even then you only let them in the kitchen.

QUESTION: What's the best remedy for a hang over? Or better yet, how can you avoid a hang over? - The JZA

ANSWER: Usually, a hang over is a headache, which is your mind. Mind over matter is the answer. Tell your mind not to hurt, not after it hurts, but before you drink. It's like raising a kid, getting drunk is. If you tell it from the get-go it's gonna be good and have a good time and not start hurting you for no reason, it won't. But if you just let it do whatever it wants to do, then it will fuck you up in the long run. As for remedying a hangover, the best thing I've found is tomato juice. If regular tomato juice doesn't work, try adding vodka to it. Drink like two of those, but don't put no fuckin' celery stick in it like rich folks at the type of country club Jerry Clower would make fun of. After two of those, if your head still hurts a little, start mixing beer with the tomato juice. If your head is hurting a lot after drinking on a regular basis, then you can just start mixing your beer with tomato juice when you drink in the first place instead of waiting till the morning. Some people call it "sending a boy to do a man's job," but I find it very beneficial and pleasing. Add a little garlic powder to it, too; that shit tastes awesome.

QUESTION: My dad asked me to go along with him and my mom to witness him take a lie detector test. He says it is going to be conducted by the same outfit that gives lie detector tests to people who want to be a police officer, supposedly very rigorous and accurate. What I want to know is, how accurate are these things? And then what do I do if the accuracy points toward guilt? - Stationary Tornado

ANSWER: Lie detectors are a tool of the man to put people in jail. They have never been accurate. Look at his eyes. This is the window to the Soul, and will reveal all truths. He may be able to coat those eyes with lies for your mother, since she's probably someone he wants to beat but can't because of stupid man-made laws. But he won't be able to hide the truth in his eyes from you, his son. Unless you're some kind of faggot who's disappointed him. Then he might just lump you in with your mom as someone he wants to beat but can't because of man-made laws. If that's the case, I'd suggest telling him to put some pennies under his tongue because you heard that helps screw up the lie detector test. Or chew up a stick of gum with the foil still on it. I'm not sure if either of these actually work, because I usually run from the cops until I wreck, but it will certainly be funny to you to watch your old man do dumb shit to try and pass a lie detector test. And if he's guilty, fuck it, we're all guilty. He's your fuckin' dad.

QUESTION: Why do guys always have sex on their minds and just wanna squeeze the mammaries? - Old Milwaukee Mike

ANSWER: Because sex is good. You could be happily married to the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life, and you'd still want to bone some half-ugly chick at work because she wore leather pants. It's because we are men and we want every little kid on Earth to look half like us. Conquering the World through genetics. The best thing we could do against these damn towelheads is just send a pack of dudes over there and fuck the shit out of all those damn women running around with nothing but their eyes showing. I heard that those chicks wear like go-go shorts and fishnets and shit under those clothes. We go over there and lick the clit and give 'em all a good fucking, and those Arab fuckers won't have a homeland to try and attain anymore. Shit, they throw acid in chicks' faces. I'd just hit 'em from behind while reaching around and flicking they're clit with forefinger. Or leaning back and sticking the tip of my thumb up their ass. Which do you think they'd like, burning acid in the face or a sexy tattoed thumb up their ass? You're goddamned right.

QUESTION: My old lady wants to get me a cell phone. And unless I can hit Stan Lane in the head with it to win the Southern tag straps, I don’t want it. So how do I get her not to get me one without pissing her off? (Note: she ain’t Southern, so she don’t listen to me too well.) –  from Big Stoner Creek

ANSWER: Explain to her that, one, cellphones use microwave rays that cause brain cancer; and, two, if you two were to ever be forced to take the law into your own hands for anything, and happened to have to talk to anybody about anything regarding the lawlessness on the phone, the authorities don’t need a permit from a corrupt judge to tap your lines on a cell phone. It’s radio waves, therefore public domain. This dude I know has a high frequency scanner and can pick up cell phone conversations and he lives in a medium-sized city. So he tapes phone sex conversations because there’s like 5 chumps in the tenement building he lives who call those numbers all the time, and they have cell phones only since they use their phone line for downloading porn on the internet. He makes Best of Phone Sex tapes for some of us. They’re kind of like amateur porn, you wish it was you doing it instead, but there’s enough moaning and shit to help you masturbate.

QUESTION: Why are yawns so goddamned contagious? – from Brent

ANSWER: Very simple. Your brain needs oxygen to keep working and shit. When you’re tired, your brain is lacking in oxygen, and the brain cells start to slack off. A yawn is a natural reaction where the mind subconsciously makes the mouth suck in some air for the brain cells. It keeps you awake better. However, as a subconscious reaction to fatigue, if you are near someone who yawns, your brain might subconsciously discover that its brain cells are needing some oxygen too, so you’ll yawn as well. This is why when you choke some bitch who wronged you on some crank sometimes, and you don’t let go fast enough, she gets brain damage. Those brain cells need oxygen, but you cut off just enough to kill part of her brain. It’s kind of neat when you think about it.

QUESTION: How do we go to sleep? I mean, what mechanism switches us from awake to asleep? – from Andrewbulous

ANSWER: Oddly enough, it’s not related at all to the question above. Everything is two things – that yin and yang shit I got tattooed on my chest. We’ve got good days and bad days, good thoughts and bad thoughts, not necessarily opposing crap, but together make up everything. Some older biker dude explained the whole Jackie Chan yin/yang thing to me in jail one time. Anyways, your waking mind is all a dream anyway, but we accept it as reality because we go to school during our waking mind, so they train us to think that this is the correct mind. This is all so we work hard and produce manufactured goods that we somehow warp ourselves into thinking we need a whole lot, thus keeping us busy all the time (at least 40 hours a week), and in debt trying to get more dumb shit, so that those in power can keep on molesting children and making new rules to make sure they still have more points than us at the end of the game. When you sleep, you’re complementary mind kicks in and that’s why you have weird ass dreams about shit like Vikings drinking cough syrup and hippie girls taking their skirts off. But you see, those are delusional realites because we occupy our waking mind with bullshit all the time. It’s like when you do crank for like 6 days straight, with no sleep. After the first day or so, you’re really tired, you can feel it underneath the high. You know you should sleep and your body needs it, but it just can’t. Eventually, like into the third or fourth day, you start really thinking weird shit, weirder than your normal, “Man, I’d like to fuck my uncle’s new girlfriend” type shit. Really oddball Fred Flintstone with that little alien guy talking to him shit. That’s when the two complementary mind states meld into one. This is good. Fuck the so-called real world, with all the thankless work for low wages and bullshit material objects giving our minds hard-ons. Bling-Bling of the brain. Fuck that. You stay awake, whether you do drugs that make you stay awake or you cultivate that shell-shocked veteran mentality, you do yourself and society a service. Status quo’s “delusions” are revolutionary mentality kicking in and swinging the pendulum of yin/yang balance back towards the perfect median. Right now they’ve got the shit held all the way to the left yang position, where when you think crazy thoughts, you go get a prescription of xanax or prozac or something to keep yourself in mall mode. So what I’m saying, in regards to the question, is fuck sleep. Sleep is the cousin of death.

QUESTION: What is the relationship between rednecks and wiggers? How did it happen? – from Boomer

ANSWER: This is something close to my heart and soul. I’ve got some young nephews who come round the shop now and then, and they’re always blasting that goddamned rap music. But they’re racist as shit, too. Now, I’ve been to jail enough to know you get along by not forcing the issue. I don’t have any problems with black folks, but I don’t necessarily bust up in the middle of a pack of black guys and make partners for a Spades game on Saturday night. Anyways, black folks play with that weird shit where the 2 of Spades is high trump. I’m from the Big and Little Joker school myself. But anyways, these nephews of mine, they play Ja Rule and Lil Wayne all fuckin’ day long, but they’ll be sitting on the old bench seats outside the shop and start talking “nigger this” and “nigger that”. They’re more racist than any Aryan I was in jail with, even the guy who gave me my Speedy Gonzales tattoo who was in jail for running over 3 black teenagers. That guy at least got ripped off on some weed. My nephews have no reason to be so full of hatred. Anyways, rednecks have always been around. My uncle was a redneck, and he listened to bullshit music I hated. I’d be trying to throw Van Halen II in the tape deck, and he’d bitch and moan and want to play Butterfield Blues Band or some shit. But from Creedence to L.A. Guns is not a long road to travel. My uncle could tolerate the shit I wanted to listen to, or played when he was in my Vega riding to the liquor store to get me and my buddies a couple bottles of Citron Vodka and Jim Beam travelers. And he’d impart his knowledge on me, in between slugs. I remember when I was real young, not even old enough to drive, and he told me, “ya know, women think they have something on us ‘cause they got that thing between their legs.” And I was young, and thinking “yeah, fuck that.” Then he swerved me by adding, “And the damnedest thing about it is they do.” As I got older, his words like that made more and more sense. Every good Southern boy has a crazy uncle who helped make him good, no matter what color that Southern boy is. Anyways, with my nephews, everything changed. There was a rift. I am not gonna ride in their low rider Nissan for 12 miles to the liquor store while they’re bumping Eightball & MGD. Therefore, they don’t get to hear the “women think they have something on us…” bit. They miss out on the continuation of our culture. That’s why these little wigger fuckers run around drinking those Smirnoff drinks and fruity shit like that made for chicks to get drunk on (that’s why they come in 4-packs). So the wigger is basically a directionless redneck. He has no work ethic ‘cause, as a crazy uncle, I ain’t hiring one of my dumbass nephews to help me paint cars here at the shop, because all they’ll do is smoke weed behind the shop and sit out front, which is cool by me, but they’ll expect to get paid for their whole time here. No work ethic. And the wigger lacks the basic respect code older rednecks have. Not because he refuses it so much as he never got it taught to him. Sometimes, I think it’s my duty to teach these youngsters the ways of the World and why shit like David Allan Coe is good even though it ain’t as cool as Guns’n’Roses; but then they say something dumb like, “Yo, I’m gonna bling-bling my ride with the waxer. Cool?” And I get pissed off and don’t wanna tell them shit.

QUESTION: Why do some "men" like to have relations with ladies with skinny asses? I mean, what's the point? – from Reverend Axl Future

ANSWER: At first thought, you could just say "different strokes for different folks". And that is true, but on a much more sinister level. You see, first the media-manipulated brainwashing of the American male to think a gangly slender woman as attractive was the first step. Any poor white fucker, poor Mexican, or poor black guy will tell you, a fat ass is a good ass. Not Jenny Craig fat, but willing to sop up some gravy with a buttermilk biscuit fat. The kind of ass that jiggles in rap videos made in the South. There is a deep-rooted animal instinct involved here. A fatter ass means wider hips, which also means more able to birth offspring. Skinny asses are fragile and more likely to struggle with childbirth, thus skinny assed women are closer to worthless in man's primitive sense. This media manipulation has gone even further, with the common sexual attraction to artifical breast implants. It's gotten so bad that some men prefer large "firm" fake breasts to real, bouncy titties. First off, it's a step in the right direction, as large breasts are indicative of being engorged with milk, which means the mother is breastfeeding, again a sign of fertility. However, large rigid, unmoving implants can look exactly the same in a male body as a female body. It's all part of the homosexualization of the middle class. First we accept, then we encourage it. Eventually, the middle class buffer between poor and rich is removed through lack of procreation, and the poor work like slaves for the rich who no longer need money because they don't have to do shit anyway. I tolerate homosexuality, because sometimes people don't know any better, or as a child, they experienced fucked-up shit. Or they naturally feel inclined to be so, which perhaps is a sign of how chemicals have influenced our mental structure. But I don't encourage homosexuality. I would however, 99 times out of 100, enjoy the company of a gay man more than a skinny-assed woman. Jail will do that to you sometimes.

QUESTION: Why do they sell egg rolls at all country convenience stores? Who the fuck is making these egg rolls? – from 1000 Aliases

ANSWER: All part of the commodification of America. First off, there is a difference between a country store and a convenience store. Country stores have macaroni and cheese and chicken gizzards and fried chicken where you can taste the flour the lady behind the counter battered the chicken in. Convenience stores have frozen food they fried in oil. As rural America becomes more polluted with Food Lions and Wal-Marts, they want things faster and faster. They want ATMs at the gas station. They want a Burger King downtown in their shitty little towns. Thus, country stores, run by mom and pop, are starting to get run by the kids as mom and pop drop dead from cancer and the crippling side effects of a long hard rural life in America. The kids are brainwashed by Garth Brooks CDs and decide change the "kitchen" at the family store into a "deli" with sandwiches and fried foods all made from bags of frozen stuff they got at the Food Lion. Egg rolls is one aspect of this. No self-respecting rural woman in America knows what's in an egg roll, much less how to make one. It is Chun King, plain and simple. Same with the chicken fingers. It makes me sad. Mostly because of the potato wedges. There was a time when the potato wedges were actually wedges of real potatoes that some old lady cut up and shook inside a plastic bag with pepper and flour and cornmeal and a little bit of cayenne, then fried up. Now, they're processed pieces of shit from a plastic bag. That's why they taste like shit, even with hot sauce.

QUESTION: How do people fall in love? – from Mike Dikk

ANSWER: For women, usually you are in the middle of one of your wild unexplainable illogical mood fluctuations, when it goes from bad to good in the company of a cute guy. You mistakenly attach the improvement of your emotions with that guy, and thus you are in love. For men, pussy is always fun. But sometimes, the body with that pussy feels all nice to lay next to in the bed, even when you're not drunk and having sex. And then that body will get up in the morning and be making some potatoes and eggs, blasting Al Green real loud, or maybe Van Morrison, and it's all over. You're in love with the rest of the stuff with the pussy.

QUESTION: How do you feel about the death penalty? – from Angie Not-At-Work

ANSWER: I'm all about killing things that deserve it - a dog that kills chickens, a guy that molests children, politicians. But a government doesn't really do itself any good by killing its own citizens. It breeds contempt and there's always too much room for error. The recent McVeigh execution was a nice smokescreen though. It was the first federal execution in almost twenty years, and one that a majority of the public had been convinced was a good idea. The next federal execution? Sometime next week. The floodgates have been opened. Which was the point. Now not only do renegade Republican states like Texas and Virginia get to kill people, so does the Federal Government as well. So, I'm all for the death penalty if all people get to use it. But if only some people, like the ones in Power, get to use it, it's unjust. Like when you were a kid and your grandma got you and your cousin one of those powder sugar things with the stick you'd lick and put in it to get it covered with colored sugar. They had three to a pack, and your grandma would give your cousin two because she was nine months older than you. That shit was unfair. Thus you make it fair by putting the death penalty on your cousin's pet turtle with the nail polish heart on its shell, by doing a BMX smash off a plywood ramp stuck on a cinderblock. Or at least it seemed fair. Until you realize your grandma was at the clothesline watching. And then she made you go cut a switch to get your ass whipped with. There is a Universal Law, a Karma, a what goes around comes around, that is the Grandma hanging up dungarees on the edges of the Universe. And the American Government can do it's little death penalty all it wants and think there will be no repercussions because it is the highest authority. But one day, it'll have to go cut a switch to get it's own ass whipped with.

QUESTION: If everyone moved to one side of the earth, would it go off-balance? Could we chrome the moon to make it daylight all the time? – from Johnny Rocket

ANSWER: What the fuck are you talking about? Off-balance? Chrome the moon? Look, I suggest you put down the sci-fi novella and take a few deep breaths, go sit on the porch and drink a beer. Look up at the sky, or if you live in a city with pollution in the air and can't see the sky, look at the biggest tree within eyesight. And think about how fun it would be to be laying back in the middle of some field looking up at that sky (or at that tree) and screwing some hot-ass chick. Not masturbatory excitement fantasy type stuff, just a little simple one with the sky having sex outdoors feeling a breast grabbing an ass looking at the moon cool breeze in the air happy perfection. Hopefully, after meditating on this for a few minutes you'll realize chroming the moon is an idiotic and unnecessary thing. There's plenty to do here.

QUESTION: Are ZZ Top and Stevie Ray Vaughan direct descendants of Our Lord And Saviour, Jesus Christ? – from Minister Paul

ANSWER: No. First off, I'm not even sure if Stevie Ray Vaughan is actually good outside of a dingy bar. If you vaccuum the floor and wash all the dishes in the sink and throw out the old beer cans, then play Stevie Ray really loud, you'll see that he kinda sucks. ZZ Top, however, though not direct descendents of the magician you mention, are spiritual in nature. When they have abused drugs heavily to achieve insight into the simple humid nature of Southern life, they tapped a basic understanding of Things that few could hope to achieve on an LP. But the lure of Video Glamour in the '80s prostituted their soul and made them goofy fodder for Puttin' On The Hits. But everything comes around; and their most recent records sound as if Billy Gibbons is not afraid to injest heavy sedatives and alcohol and dream up dirty, shitty, blues. Most white men can understand how to listen to the blues, but mistakenly mimic black man blues in a lame attempt to get laid by 34-year-old women who call blue jeans "dungarees". A white man has to play white man blues, dirty hard-working sweating-in-the-sun driving a shitty Chevrolet about to break down and leaking transmission fluid all over the damn road blues. Billy Gibbons is the King of this.

QUESTION: How come gravity doesn't work right in space? – from King Bladewick

ANSWER: Space is devoid of order, pure chaos, where anything can suddenly happen and everything is beautiful. Gravity holds you down, thus it is called the Law of Gravity. Space is not about Laws; therefore Gravity is confined to planets. It's interesting to note, that of the two planets humans have walked on top of (if the lunar landing didn't occur in a Hollywood studio, as many believe it to have), Earth has the strongest gravity. Earth is the ghetto of the Universe.

QUESTION: How does booze get you drunk? – from Make It All Go Away

ANSWER: Alcohol gets you drunk because alcohol makes your brain molecules bounce around. All drugs do that. Like when you do inhalants – that’s your actual brain cells dying in a batch all at once; that’s why it feels so numbing, but also goes away after a couple of minutes of empty humming in your head. Regarding alcohol, it’s an odd brain molecule fuck-upper, as it varies so much from type to type. Beer makes a patch of brain cells bounce back and forth, methodically. Each additional beer makes more brain cells do this, thus your motor skills slow down. Another example is vodka. As a white liquor, it makes your brain cells bounce back and forth violently, more so than brown liquor. This is why you are more apt to say dumb shit and get in fight when drinking vodka or gin, your brain molecules are bouncing around inside your skull more violently. My personal favorite alcohol, wine, spreads its influence over more individual brain molecules than any other type of alcohol, which is what creates that all-over body buzz feel you get with wine. This also explains why your head hurts so much the next morning, as more brain cells have to get acclimated to normal chill position again. It’s easier for guys to be alcoholics than girls, because we think about sex all the damned time. When you think about sex, your brain cells start multiplying because they’re thinking about procreation. So you can kill all the brain cells you want drinking, huffing gas, smoking reefer, whatever; as long as you think about having sex, it’s okay.

QUESTION: Is it natural to shave your balls? And if so, should you use your girlfriend’s razor and your roommate’s shaving cream? – from Ten Dollar Dave

ANSWER: It feels good to touch yourself when you have shaved your balls. However, as the little hairs start to grow back out, they itch tremendously, and you know as well as I do that you can’t really scratch your balls everywhere you go. Additionally, it sort of feels like sandpaper on a chick when little hairs are starting to sprout out of your genitals, thus they don’t enjoy sex as much. If you had a coochie, would you want somebody rubbing sandpaper all over it. But to answer your question completely, shaving any part of your body is not natural, male or female; but if you feel the need, then fuck your girlfriend and roommate. Proper attention to your balls are more important than their bullshit materialism.

QUESTION: If you’re constipated, should you drink your own urine? I heard that’s what you do. I also heard some people drink their own urine every morning. – from Ten Dollar Dave

ANSWER: Piss comes out your body because you do not need it. If you needed to use it, it wouldn’t be piss.

QUESTION: Is it natural to have an aversion to fuckin’ stinky hippies and their offspring? – from Ten Dollar Dave

ANSWER: Hate is not natural at all, son. Neither is love. Both are emotional attachments man has created because he thinks too goddamned much about things. Sex is natural. Therefore stinky hippies having offspring are better than you (unless you are making offspring as well, then you are equals).

QUESTION: If Jesus, Superman, and David Allan Coe fought, who would win? – from Reverend Axl Future

ANSWER: Well, that’s easy. Jesus and Superman are fictional characters, so there’s no way they could win a fight with an actual tangible human being. However, if you expand this question to include the followers of each, then it gets trickier. Superman fans wouldn’t stand a chance, because they’re either kids or grown men who are soft like kids. This would leave the battle between the followers of Jesus and the followers of David Allan Coe. David Allan Coe’s followers are much more skilled in the art of hand-to-hand combat, and more psychologically prepared to use items found in their natural habitat, like ash trays and 2x4s, as weapons. So they would initially beat down the followers of Jesus, who aren’t as good at brawling. However, Jesus’ followers have more clout with authority figures, and pretty quickly it would be against the law to move about society looking like you might follow David Allan Coe. So you’d go to jail.

QUESTION: Why the hell are we still doing the practice of Daylights Savings Time bullshit? I lived in perfect peace for 12 years in Arizona, never changed the clock once, and life was just fine. Didn't the Morons-That-Be start this during a war or some other "sounds good idea" years ago? – Zucheo

ANSWER: They started that, I think one of the Roosevelts, during World War II. Or maybe it was one. All I know is, they do it to keep people working hard. Back then, all the American men were off fighting people in other continents, and only the ladies and Mexicans were left here to work. Well, normally, Mexicans are a hard-working bunch. You know that dude Javier down the road who runs that bricklaying thing? That fucker and his boys, all Mexicans, are hard-working as shit. I saw them on a site, and those dudes were tossing up bricks like 20 feet in the air, and one dude would toss two bricks up, another would catch them, hand them to a third dude on the scaffold, who threw them in place where the fourth dude was doing the mortar. It was crazy. A group like that on both sides, rolling through a job. Anyways, usually Mexicans will work hard as fuck, but when they were left as our workforce with nothing but white pussy around them, well, it got them all slack. They wanted to play guitar and drink and try and fuck all these white ladies. So they started the Daylights Savings Time thing to make it daylight during normal business hours all day long, since the sun was coming up too late in the morning during spring and summer. This way, those fuckers would feel like they should be out of bed, because they were part-animal, and only used sunlight as their alarm clock. Over the years, I think they just kept it so that people would work hard all day long. You feel better when the sun's up; that's why there's so many fuckin' alcoholic Eskimos. It sucks they don't let us have the fuckin' sunshine for ourselves instead of all day long when we're all supposed to be at work, though, don't it?

QUESTION: Why are there no black people in China? – Harpo Garza

ANSWER: Black people don't like pain. My cousin used to drive a rig, Carolina to California, two runs a week, back and forth, and he kept a rockwiler in the cab, but no gun. We asked him, why the dog? He said for all the crackheads and shit he'd run into pulling into downtown industrial California every week, I think Fresno. Well, he said when he used to carry a gun, the crackheads wouldn't give a shit, they'd still be like "Fuck you white man, gimme your shit," because they didn't care about dying. But when he got that dog, they'd run as soon as he opened the door, because they didn't wanna get bit and all chewed up and live to feel the pain. So black folks don't like pain. And they all used to watch kung fu movies when they were big, so they think China is full of people like Bruce Lee and that Kung Fu dude who was always walking around in the wild west and shit. They don't wanna get their ass kicked, so they don't go to China.

QUESTION: Why do middle class white people grow "purple cone flower" and regular people just grow echinacea? – Suzy Mack

ANSWER: My grandma used to have echinacea growing all through the backyard. She'd take that and make us kids go pick some ginseng and brew up this thick thick echinacea and ginseng tea, that everyday with lunch, she'd mix a shot of that in with our iced tea. I don't know if it helped or not, but it was good. I guess middle class people don't like calling things by their normal names and like to feel all smart and shit, so instead of echinacea, they call it purple cone flower. There's nothing worse than somebody educated beyond their intelligence. Jerry Clower said that. Does Raven still have my Jerry Clower tapes?

QUESTION: What does it take to get a small-time evil wrestling promoter to replace the plywood in the fucking ring? A guy stepped in a hole he couldn't see through the canvas the other night and fucked his ankle up. Ain't the first time such has happened, either. – Wild Irish Rosie

ANSWER: I'm sure some of the newer wrestlers have to tear the ring down and all. Well, a couple of the older dudes should start a bonfire out back, and when they tear the ring down, just throw the fuckin' plywood on the bonfire. He'll get some more then.

QUESTION: Why do dogs turn their heads to the side when you talk to them? – Angie Not-At-Work

ANSWER: Dogs judge by smell, that's why when you roll up on a strange dog at somebody's house, you should hold your hand out for him to sniff. Unless he's on a chain, then he probably bites, so just stay out of chain's length of that bastard. But when you talk to a dog, they don't know what the fuck you're saying except a few socialized things. That's why they can learn stuff like "sit" and "git it boy" and "load up" and things like that. But sound's not their thing. You know how when you're sitting on a stump in the backyard at night drinking a beer and the dogs are right there with you, and you won't hear a thing, but all of a sudden the dogs will take off into the woods? It's because they got supersonic smelling. So when you're talking to them, they're trying real hard to maybe recognize the couple of words they associate with things they've been conditioned to know. If you could just shoot a specific smell at them, they wouldn't turn their heads sideways; they'd know right away what the fuck you were talking about.

QUESTION: What is it about North Carolina that makes it so goddamn much more preferable than 99% of the other states in the Union? – Acehole

ANSWER: Ahh, North Carolina. I would've lived in North Carolina, but I got some stupid bitch pregnant in Virginia first. Fourteen years later, she left me. So here I am in shitty ass Virginia, with all these yankee fuckers moving down here, opening up coffee shops where they got flavors and shit, and just generally being assholes. The thing I hate most about yankees is how they think it's cool to haggle over the price of stuff. When I do something, I give you the fair price, the cheapest I feel comfortable doing it. I ain't trying to rip nobody off. But they want to haggle and talk you down. That's why you don't see any fuckin' cars with NY or NJ plates in my shop, ever. You tell them what something costs and they stand there with their eyes focused, and they think, and then ask "how about whatever something that's lower?" And I go, "NO! Fuck you, you yankee fuck! Get the fuck off my property before I tell Doodle to get my pistol out the toolbox." They suck. Anyways, about North Carolina, it's perfect. You've got the beautiful mountains on one end, and the end of the Earth ocean on the other. Sure, the Outer Banks has gotten kinda crowded, but you can still go further down the island to Rodanthe or Buxton and have a good time. And the cities are all decent-sized enough where there's plenty of people, but not no goddamned skyscrapers all over the place. Nothing worse than a city thinking if it builds big building all over the downtown it's gonna end up being the new New York City one day. Why would you wanna be that? That's like your kid coming home saying "I wanna be that bald faggot on the Home and Garden channel that staples curtains to the wall and calls it fancy." Fuck all that. Plus, dirt tracks, drag strips, chicken joints, barbecue, titty bars with the tinted windows, wrestling, weird churches in abandoned strip malls where some longhaired dude who you smoked a joint with the night before is the preacher...it's all in abundance in North Carolina. I grew up in Virginia, and have lived in Virginia for 85% of my life, and from where I sit, North Carolina is just like Virginia, but without all the dumb shits who moved here from up north.

QUESTION: I've learned a lot from reading your column on the Confederate Mack web site; considerably more than I learned in the 5 years I spent at college. I wanted to know if you've got any home remedies for the flu or cold. Personally, whenever I get sick I start drinking vodka and beer till I pass out. Two shots of vodka for each beer. I maybe drink a beer about every hour or so. Also, I don't take anything for the fever (I don't believe in any of that bullshit doctors say or that is advertised on television). I'll maybe stay sick like two days, as opposed to the people I work with staying sick for like a week. Anyway, maybe you've got some suggestions for improving my remedy. One other thing, I used to tell my co-workers how I get over being sick when they asked me. They never believed me. So, now I just lie and say I go to the doctor or whatever, because that's what they want to hear. What's your opinion on telling people what they want to hear, even though it's not going to help them? – Little Timmy Hales

ANSWER: Well, what I do when I start getting sick is chop up like a whole bulb of garlic into pill-sized pieces. Then pour you a big glass of orange juice, or water. And take five or six little chunks of garlic, swallow it whole like pills with the juice or water, and do that till its all gone. My grandma also taught us kids that when you peel garlic, you have to let it set out for like ten minutes to keep its healthy shit inside. So you peel it, let it sit there, then cut it up and eat it raw. That does the trick for me. As for telling people what they want to hear, even if it's stupid, that goes a long ways in life. Folks don't like to hear what you got to say; they want to hear what they hope you're gonna say. If you don't feel like being bothered with people, tell them whatever their stupid little greedy eyes seem to be seeking.

QUESTION: I know this girl who's 18 year old, and already engaged to be married. No kids, and her fiance is in another state. Is it wrong for me to try and bone her? – Famous Mortimer

ANSWER: If she's got a man, that's wrong to bone her, and he ought to kick your ass for even asking. But if her man is in another state and she wants it, he obviously ain't much of a man. So he probably can't kick your ass. Just remember, things come around. I used to run around on my ol' lady all the time, didn't even plan it most of the time. It would just happen that way. Well, after 14 years, once I had settled into us being us, she took off with another motherfucker. Sometimes life is peaches and cream, but more often than not, life is some little kid telling everybody what you got them for Christmas the week before Christmas.

QUESTION: Why do I call my girlfriend a slut for her past ways, and then get all turned on when I make her talk about fucking other guys? – Mike Porkchops

ANSWER: Sounds to me like somebody's got some problems. You know, I used to love those letters in Penthouse, that was my favorite thing. That, and that Indian chick, I can't remember her name, but she did the advice column thing. She was hot. Well, I can't even look at the letters in Penthouse anymore because it's all sick twisted shit where some dude is watching his wife fuck seventeen black dudes at a bar behind a curtain or some shit like that. What the fuck is exciting about that? And it's always about some giant dick involved. Now, I've never been ashamed of my dick, and most of the women I've been with have at least pretended to enjoy it. And if they were pretending, that's their own loss, 'cause I would've kept trying if they didn't like it. But these letters always have some dude with a dick the size of somebody's forearm and as big around as a beercan. Why would you want a beercan forearm stuck up your coochie if you're a chick? And up the ass? It's disgusting. You calling her a slut is stupid. First off, she shouldn't be talking about that shit. You keep the old stuff quiet. Pretend she's sweet, even if she ain't. And if the truth comes out, fuckin' leave her before she leaves you. As for getting turned on by her talking about it, that's probably why she talks about it. You've been reading too many of them letters in the new Penthouses. That weird shit's rotting your mind. I used to date this hippie chick back in the late '70s, and we would go to the X-rated theater every now and then down in Roanoke. And we'd pull over on the way home and screw like teenagers. But do you think she talked about how cool it would be to be with John Holmes or me having a bigger dick or any shit like that? Hell fuckin' no. Sure, she probably had her eyes closed and was imagining some other shit than my drunk-ass on top of her in the back of a Vega Stationwagon, but then again, I was pretending she was Seka. People nowadays want to do shit all the time, instead of pretend. There's a good reason you have the power to imagine a lot of things; it's because it's like the monkey's paw. The grass always looks greener, then you jump the fence and there's cow shit all over the place, and you jump back over to your original side of the fence, but everybody can smell all that shit all over your boots. Sometimes, it saves you a lot of trouble and heartache to just pretend in your mind and not try and live out some things.

QUESTION: Why is baseball so fuckin' popular? – The Confederate Mack

ANSWER: Because there used to be baseball in every little town, grown men playing it on the weekends. And kids everywhere, to this day, play baseball. It used to be great because you had a team and you knew all the players. They got a player and he was great and you thought, "Damn, this motherfucker's gonna make our team great for the next ten years!" Now, they jump teams every other year. My favorite team has always been the Orioles, because we got them on the AM radio. And I couldn't name more than one player on their team. Only one I know is that Sidney Ponsoon dude because his name is so funny. Shit, even Cal Ripken is gone. It was like a fresh young wife when a team got a player. Sure, maybe once in a while a guy would go to a different team in a trade, but it was a big deal to have a major starting player jump teams, like a divorce. Now, they're all sluts, playing for 7 different teams a year. Not only does it suck because you don't know who the hell's on your team, but you don't know who the fuck's on the other team. And the money they make? It's ridiculous. Here's some guy from Puerto Rico who I've never heard of before playing, out of nowhere, for the Orioles, and making more in a year than me and all my brothers and sisters have earned in our lives. Ridiculous. I think what they ought to do is figure out what a batter and a pitcher make per pitch or at-bat, and say the pitcher gives up a home run, whatever fan in the stands catches that home run ball gets whatever that pitcher would've made for that pitch. That'd probably be like a couple thousand dollars for every home run. That would kick ass to catch a home run ball and get a few thousand bucks for it. Folks would give a shit then, because they'd be in on the hustle with the baseball players again. Or if a guy got the last out of the game with the winning run on base and it was a home game, he'd buy everybody still there a beer or a hot dog for the ride home. That's the problem. Baseball's become a bunch of rich assholes acting like they're doing something great and they deserve all kinds of money and respect for doing it. Fuck that nonsense! They're playing baseball. We all played baseball at one point or another. Hell, Junior down the road starts bushhogging that field beside his house every Friday after the Fourth of July so that anybody who wants to can play ball on Saturday afternoon. It's a good time; not as good as horseshoes, but pretty damned good. If you think you deserve anything other than a "you lucky bastard" for getting millions of dollars to play baseball, you probably ought to get your ass kicked.