Friday, October 5, 2012

5 Redskins Storylines to Follow this Sunday at my house

#1: It is supposed to get really cold on Sunday. Will I fire up the woodstove for the first time this year? I mean the fucking air conditioners are still in the windows, and it always seems fucked to me to have the stove running without having took out the ACs. But I'm not going to take them out on Saturday. And with the cold weather, and the fact I bought two big giant butternut squashes at the store yesterday, will we have a nice squashy autumn soup on Sunday, perhaps with some of our homegrown sausage, or will we dice up the butternut squash and oven bake it in olive oil with sauteed garlic and sweet onion and rock salt? Oh man, I can hardly wait to find out.

#2: Matt Ryan is my fantasy QB, and the Redskins secondary is second-to-none in suck ass. Will my fantasy team overrule my lifetime allegiance to the Redskins this weekend? Will Ryan score more than 30 fantasy points? Will I care either way? Perhaps the inner-Redskin fan in me will sneak out and I'll feel guilty, although I passed some total douchebag looking dude who looked like the worst young future investment banker whose wife does yoga fucking guy ever, and he was wearing a Redskins shirt, so that made me feel better about my personal decision. There are more Redskins fans like that guy than there were like me.

#3: How many more people can fit RG3's dick in their mouth? How many more commercials can he be on? He is going to end up the black Peyton Manning before long.

#4: The Redskins suck at home, partially because I don't know but partially because the home fans have given up and have thin skins and the stadium is a shithole monolith built to corporate excess. This actually works against the Redskins where they are LESS likely to do well at home games than they are on the road. Explain that shit to me. But with that in mind, once the defense loses this thing pretty early on, giving up 30-plus yard pass plays galore, will the crowd turn again? This will be RG3's second home game, and a turning crowd - who was uncomfortable with the Bengals game - will perhaps sully this young man's naive optimism. It's not like he can smile his big booming smile and walk through the entire stadium convincing people to Know Your Why, can he?

#5: Is this the week they show an English Premier League game on Fox in the late game slot? I hope so. I enjoy that shit more than the NFL. I need to pick a team but I don't see enough to know who is chill ass people and who is not. Perhaps I should start downloading EPL games every weekend until I can decipher for myself a futbol team to take the place of the Redskins. Fucking Redskins.

#6: The Washington City Paper set up some contest to rename the Redskins so they could refer to them as something less offensive in their paper from now on. I suggest the Washington Snyders, and did so at their website. That way the team's successes and failures would forever be attached to his name. If they do well, so be it. If not, everybody will always go, "What a bunch of Snyders those guys are." There is a precedence. The Cleveland Browns are not named brown after the shit-colored rust of Cleveland factories. No, they were named for the Brown family. So I say support this effort, even if it is a #6 on a 5-point list.

No comments: