Thursday, September 1, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 25 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Man, this sucks. I signed on to be positive about this team before medical data was revealed to me showing the team is still afflicted with the same anti-awesomeness it has had since its creation. Part of the problem is the Houston Texans were not really created out of passion or some rich dude being like, "HOLY FUCK MAN, WHEN I WAS 9 YEARS OLD EARL CAMPBELL WAS THE GREATEST THING I EVER SAW IN MY WHOLE FUCKING LIFE! AND HE INSPIRED ME TO START A CHAIN OF MEXICAN THEMED FOOD STORES THAT WERE MORE CLEAN AND NICE AND NOT MEXICAN-Y AT ALL, WHICH SPREAD LIKE WILDFIRE THROUGH COLLEGE TOWNS IN THE SOUTHWEST BECAUSE WE GAVE AWAY JAZZ CDS BACK IN THE DAY AND OFFERED LOCAL FOODS EVEN THOUGH WE CONSIDERED THE ENTIRE EARTH AS OUR LOCALE, BECAUSE WE WANTED TO EXPAND JUST LIKE EARL CAMPBELL WANTED TO RUN LIKE A BUFFALO THROUGH ANY DEFENDERS FOR LIKE TEN YEARS PAST HIS PRIME BUT STILL I LOVE EARL CAMPBELL MAN! BUT MY CHAIN WENT CRAZY AND PEOPLE LOVE IT AND CHIPOTLES HAS NOW MADE ME ENOUGH MONEY THAT I WANT TO LIVE MY DREAM OF OWNING THE HOUSTON OILERS BUT YOU FUCKERS KILLED THAT TEAM SO NOW GIVE ME A NEW ONE AND I PROMISE TO BE AS CRAZY AND EXUBERANT AS JERRY JONES AND WE WILL MAKE TEXAS WITH IT'S FOOTBALL-CRAZED DEGENERATES THROUGH AND THROUGH PROUD OF THIS TEAM IN HOUSTON WHICH I AIM TO CALL THE HOUSTON HOT PEPPERS OR ZAPATAS OR SOMETHING MEXICAN SOUNDING BUT NOT TOO MEXICAN-Y LIKE MY RESTAURANT BUT WE'LL DO SOME MARKET RESEARCH ON THIS! BUT WE NEED A TEAM, AND I WANT THE COLORS TO BE PURPLE BECAUSE ALL THE NEGRO BOYS IN HOUSTON LOVE TO DRINK COUGH SYRUP AND PAINT ALL THEIR LATE MODEL CARS IN PURPLE SHINY PAINT! HAHAHA RACCOONS, ALWAYS DAZZLED BY SHINY THINGS! YOU KNOW IF YOU PUT A POLISHED ALUMINUM CAN IN A HOLE A RACCOON WILL REACH IN AND GRAB IT BUT NOT LET GO TO GET HIS HAND BACK OUT, HE'LL JUST SIT THERE AND BE STUCK BECAUSE HE REFUSES TO LET GO OF THE SHINY ALUMINUM CAN! I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE, MY COUSIN AARD SHOWED ME ONE TIME, IT'S HILARIOUS, WE SHOT THAT FUCKER WITH A .22. BUT ALL THE LITTLE THUGGED OUT BLACK BOYS LOVE PURPLE SO WE MAKE OUR UNIFORMS PURPLE SO THEY WEAR IT BECAUSE WHITE PEOPLE ONLY THINK WHAT BLACK PEOPLE DO FIRST IS AWESOME SO NOT ONLY WILL WE HAVE FOOTBALL AGAIN BUT WE'LL HAVE COOL UNIFORMS THAT RAPPERS WILL WEAR PROBABLY AND THAT WILL BE EVEN BETTER, AND I'M NOT SURE WHAT COLOR TO DO WITH PURPLE BUT NOT BLACK BECAUSE THE RAVENS ARE STUPID AND DO THAT ALREADY, SO MAYBE GOLD LIKE THE LAKERS BUT FOR FOOTBALL! YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD DO, MAN I AM SO INTO THIS, I WILL DROP EVERY DOLALR I HAVE FLEECED FROM THE CONSUMER PUBLIC WITH MY FAKE MEXICAN RESTAURANTS WITH SLOW FOOD THAT'S NOT REALLY SLOW, AND I WILL SIT IN THE OWNER'S BOX AND BE STOKED AND WE WILL BRING BACK WARREN MOON AND EARL CAMPBELL TO HOUSTON AND ON THE FIRST GAME WE'LL HAVE THEM ART PEOPLE BUILD A GIANT OILER SCULPTURE LIKE THE OLD OILERS HELMET LOGOS AND THEN IT'LL BLAST OUT THE TOP PURPLE CONFETTI AND GLITTER, JUST LIKE THE CARS THEM BLACK BOYS GET PAINTED, AND IT WILL BE A SYMBOLIC USHERING IN OF A NEW ERA! YOU GET IT! YOU GET IT! FOOTBALL WILL RETURN TO HOUSTON TRIUMPHANTLY!" That didn't happen. Instead it was corporate placement bullshit, so they chose Houston as the largest non-L.A. market able to house a team, and they named them Texans because it was in Texas and appealed to the most people they called on the phone with robots, and then they used red and white and blue colors for the uniform because 9/11 changed everything, and it was more like franchising a new Burger King in a suburb than franchising an NFL football team. Which is why the Texans will always be sort of lackluster, even when they are good. And what I'm getting at is, with your whole psyche being built off market testing and corporate scams, you'll never have the heart and fighting spirit to be a truly great NFL team. But the Texans, even if Arian Foster is feeling a little anti-awesome, are about as great as they'll ever get on defense. Most of the time, I'd be worried about a team switching from 4-3 to 3-4, but they seemed to be better equipped for the 3-4 anyways, and I'm afraid Mario Williams will destroy some motherfuckers now that he's standing up all the time. Offensively, they have Andre Johnson, who may be even more of a Calvin Johnson (unequalled player mired in the obscurity of mediocrity) than Calvin Johnson now that the Lions are being noticed by the world, and with Andre Johnson, they'll put up points, because that dude just straight up wills his way into success. But they'll never be better than a possible wild card team, no matter how good they think they can get, because they are built from demographic data and consumer habits, not from actual football spirit.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): It’s Texas day here at Armchair Linebacker since the winds of coincidence have blown both the Texans and the Cowboys onto our laps which means that it will be a day of great hatred because, honestly, fuck Texas. I could go on and on here for a billion words on why Texas is so horrible but just read everything I wrote about Arizona and apply that shit here tenfold. Texas is Arizona’s meaner, more successful, and yet even more soulless older brother. Its people are twisted caricatures of the American Dream, a funhouse people, their very presence mocking everything that we’re supposed to believe in as Americans. But fuck all that noise, we’re here to talk about the Texans, who are doomed to forever be the bastard younger brother of the Cowboys, who will forever be the team truly beloved by those monsters we know as Texans, but the Cowboys reckoning is up next and we won’t dwell on them here. The Texans are pathetic. Every year they come out and every year people shout “Hey, ya’ll! This is the year!” And then they go 8-8 again even though they have arguably the best wide receiver in football (You’re goddamn right I said arguably for a reason, for as long as St. Calvin is around, I’m not hearing that shit.) and the dude who was the best running back in football last season in Arian Foster. Their offense is explosive and capable of hanging a shitload of points on anyone. Meanwhile, their defense has a few playmakers, dudes like Mario Williams and that roid freak Brian Cushing, and so it seems like they should always take that next step. But they never do, and that is because they are a team that sprang up from the tainted mud of Texas, a team culled from the dreams of the spiritually corrupt and the terminally wicked. Such a team can’t thrive because it is a team born of the New Americanism, a team whose very potential exists only to serve as a cruel mockery of reality, which exists only to remind us all of the wicked and brutal truth, which is that these days are ugly and mean and that whatever greatness is left in our hearts is overwhelmed and decimated by the rank stupidity and sheer ugliness which now jangles through the streets in a giant cowboy hat made of tattered dreams and vile hatred. The Texans are the real America’s team, a perpetual disappointment, and in these desperate hours they reach for one last gasp of glory, and then Matt Schaub throws another interception and they finish 7-9 and what else is there to say?
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): Antonio Smith is the guy who ripped off his own teammate's helmet last year in that Titans game, allowing the Texans to get a 15 yard personal foul penalty for fighting amongst themselves. In Smith's defense, Brian Cushing seems like a huge douchebag anyways, and I would've ripped his helmet off too, especially if I was trying to fight the other team and he shows up to be like, "Nah brah, chill out, let's not get unnecessarily physical out here and hurt ourselves."
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): Matt Leinart is a degenerate and while we like degenerates here at Armchair Linebacker, we like degenerates like Kenny Stabler, not degenerates like Matt Leinart, who is the sort of degenerate whose life’s ambition is probably to have a reality show on MTV. Matt Leinart is the sort of dude who gets shitfaced after a couple of shots of Jaeger and then tries to pretend like he’s a badass, telling everyone how fucked up he is, and about how he’s going to fuck every chick there, before he passes out and his “friends” sketch dicks all over his face and teabag him and then take pictures of that shit. Matt Leinart could be a character on Jersey Shore, and while Kenny Stabler is racing powerboats and drinking beers in the Gulf into his ancient years, Leinart will be shot by the time he’s 40 and he’ll spend his days hating his former cheerleader wife who will look like she’s 70 because of over-tanning and his nights trolling the clubs while chicks laugh behind his back and then as he drifts off to sleep, he’ll be confronted by the vacuity of his own broken soul and it will horrify him and drive him to madness and despair and then no one will be particularly surprised when he is found jerking off a hobo who sorta looks like Reggie Bush because it is his last desperate link to his forgotten glory days.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Cheta Ozougwu.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, the Texans would escape the brutal hell of their own existence and defy their own destiny, which as I said before, is to serve as a symbol for the soulless degeneracy of the New Americanism. But fuck all that. They deserve to be bad because that sort of shit simply cannot be tolerated. If we have any hope as a species, it is to reject that empty flash and the mocking taunt of perpetually unfulfilled potential and to embrace something real. I didn’t make the Texans a martyr. Their existence demands it. Don’t blame me, blame the soulless monsters they were born to represent. The Houston Texans have to die for America’s sins, and when they do, when they have had all that potential, all that flash that the greedheads are holding onto so desperately, stripped bare, maybe we can all move on.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): The Texans gradual climb to respectability will get back on track this year, with a 9-7 season giving them their first ever above-.500 year in the team's existence. They still ain't going to the fucking playoffs though, because they're still the Texans. (As a bonus though, here is a picture of Ricky Williams and Earl Campbell worshipping Satan together.)

1 comment:

DarkStar said...

Wow, Raven, just...Wow. That was almost Neil-like.