Tuesday, August 30, 2011
plus some Meat & Potatoes
"Meat and Potatoes" is Laron Landry's rallying cry, a call to crushing motherfuckers with pure physicality. I follow that fool on twitter, and when he's not making fun of Kareem Moore's head size, he shares some a lot of pictures of meat and potatoes, which I guess is his shit in real life as well. Earlier this summer, to prove how hard he was working out, Laron shared a rather questionable picture, taken from his camera phone held below his waist, up to get a good shot of his hardbody, probably in workout mode, but he wasn't wearing a shirt, and the shot was above his waist, though pointed upwards... I don't know man, what I'm uncomfortably trying to get around to saying was it looked like he was naked and you were from the point of view of about to suck his dick. Being I am 100% dude, this meant - in my brain - gay things, because it would very obviously be gay of me to suck Laron Landry's dick. This also meant I associated him with being gay as well, because he would be the other party in such a gay interaction. Because of this, I started questioning other things in my mind about Laron Landry, like that famous picture I've used of him on here before where he's wearing a cut-off tassled muscle shirt, or the story of him doing push-ups in the middle of the night in his hotel room with slow jams blaring. I mean, I don't think Laron Landry is legitimately a gay dude, but it does seem that he's very much in love with himself, and technically that would be loving a guy, albeit himself. This whole thing is full of grey areas, of which I am trying to turn into rainbows, and that's very internetty of me, I know, but let me continue.
So all this had been fermenting in my mind before this preseason started. Preseason games on local TV are a strange mix of terrible production values and lackluster talent. You'll have radio guys doing TV or studio guys doing sidelines or college announcers doing NFL games or something or another. For the Redskins' second preseason game in Indianapolis, this got even more screwy when normal preseason color guy Joe Theismann had previous commitments, so couldn't do the Skins game. They moved Doc Walker from sideline duties to the booth (which most people would hate, but I love Doc Walker - the guy is enthusiastic about all things Redskins, and there should be more dudes like him, not less, involved in coverage of this team), which meant they had to throw somebody on the sidelines. Charles Mann was a legendary sackmaster from the '80s, and the straight guy to Dexter Manley's crazy character on that early Gibbs era defensive line of destruction that reached it's spiritual pinnacle when Darryl Grant caught that blocked pass in the NFC championship game against the stupid Cowboys and high-stepped his way to a touchdown like an overgrown, ungraceful Deion Sanders. Charles Mann also apparently dabbles in broadcasting, and was given sideline reporting duties. He was not so good. But even beyond not being good, there was an interlude with the Redskins hopeful tandem of defensive destruction in 2011 - Laron Landry and free agent newcomer O.J. Atogwe - that was perhaps one of the more uncomfortable moments I've ever seen during an NFL broadcast.
Yeah, that sort of stepped across the grey gay areas and got outright rainbow pride-ish for a second. But being Atogwe and Landry are saying they are an inseparable pair, and will perform as much in the defensive backfield, and being my line of thinking about Landry has been polluted by that one pic from twitter... (I won't try to find that picture again because twitter is an incessant stream of immediate nonsense, and going back to find one thing from a couple months ago is like digging through that desk drawer at home where you stuff all the paper bills that come in the mail, even though you pay everything online or through your robot phone, trying to find a single statement from seven months ago, only to realize that damn, there's a bunch of useless shit all in a never-ending row when you really look at it all at once.) And being O.J. Atogwe is a little glinty-eyed, looking like Poot from The Wire, but with a puffy nap-fro instead of swollen elephantiasis forehead like Poot, it got me to thinking, what if Laron Landry and O.J. Atogwe were gay? And what if they were openly gay, and just straight up told the world, "Hey, we really like each other, like we LIKE like each other. We do everything together, like EVERYTHING together. But we are football players, and we are tough as fuck, and we work out constantly, in ways you don't even want to imagine, to achieve our optimum physical level. And we are going to take that on the field and absolutely demolish motherfuckers. And yes, we are gay, and there's some ignorant motherfuckers in a football locker room, so I'm sure dumbasses on other teams are going to be like, 'Hey, look at yall gay ass bitches.' But when we concuss them and crumble their bodies into resistanceless masses that fumble six points onto our side of the scoreboard, we will stand over them, as strong gay men, and we will be proud. And we will show that to be gay does not mean to be weak. Far from it, in fact. The loving bond we share on and off the field empowers us, and makes us better football players, and stronger men. You should wish your shitty favorite football team was as gay as us. You should wish your favorite players looked as good as us, were half as tough as us, and a sliver of the personal happiness we've found together." I would imagine Laron Landry to do most of this talking while Atogwe stood next to him, agreeing.
That would be wonderful if that was real. It also brings to mind why does the NFL not make pink jerseys for men? I would totally rock a size 54 pink Redskins #30 jersey, all day every day. I guess I could just buy a fat woman's jersey, but that's not the same. Wearing a woman's jersey seems kind of unmanly to me. Oh well.
(Note: It seemed too obvious to make reference to "meat and potatoes" perhaps being slang for male genitalia, so I did not use it. But I thought it, in case you were wondering.)