Tuesday, August 9, 2011

Reality Sets In

So when we last left off, I had asked my homeboy Will what he thought the Redskins were going to go. And he emailed me back saying like 7-9 or 8-8, but it happened at like the exact same time I saw the Vegas odds come out for this season. My weird dorkshit mathematical formula for ranking the NFL teams all year long (which I hope to continue here at Armchair Linebacker this year, if I remember) basically starts by following the Vegas odds, because I'm pretty sure the NFL is fixed like 1982 WWF was, very discreetly but well done to keep us happy as fans, and I figure if anybody knows what's up, it's Vegas people, because they are all sketchy Jewish dudes with big glasses or weird Italians with mathematics wizards who dropped out of Harvard on retainer. Or something like that.
Well I don't remember the specifics, but I know the Redskins were the fourth worst expected team according to shady Vegas, with only the Bengals, Panthers, and Bills to be expected to be worst. So reality sort of set in kinda harshly, because I also realized the Quarterback Battle I was privy to as a Redskins fan was between the Mormon MacGruber John Beck and the Failed Sex Cannon Rex Grossman, with a possible run-in by the Third Guy Kellen Clemens, who I think is some sort of haphazard biological experiment conducted in Oregon to combine the genetics of Kellen Winslow Sr. with Roger Clemens in the hopes of creating a super QB of the future. Instead, they just created the Third Guy, because genetic engineering is not as simple as creating the hybrid, since it still has to grow up and be polluted by experiences and all that. So thus Kellen Clemens, while working with massive genetic advantages of the physical variety, is kind of a dumbass so makes not-so-great choices, which is not a good look for a Field General of the Football variety.
So yeah, the Redskins are considered the fourth worst team going into the season by Vegas, which made me think to myself how usually me and my homeboy Will, as lifelong Redskins fans who even though we know the Kool-Aid is sour and we refuse to drink it, I guess we get tainted off the fumes. Perhaps the Kool-Aid is actually nitrous oxide. I don't know. But I realized that we have consistently over the years over-estimated the Redskins winnability by 4 to 5 games. This means that if we both were thinking 7-9, the reality is probably 3-13 if they get some lucky breaks. Three and fucking Thirteen.
So then I thought, "Well maybe Mike Trannyhan is actually the football genius he would have you believe, and he's playing his cards for the long hand, planning on revamping the defense into a monster this year, get some skill players in position on offense who can fill roles, and then win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for next year, and hope the kid from Stanford is the real deal." Let's not forget that Shannerhan's only success in the NFL came with a much-hyped Stanford QB under center in John Elway, who himself was a genetic experiment gone wrong where a Dutch lady got pregnant by a horse after a biological research scientist saw the donkey shows in Tijuana.
Well, the Redskins schedule, for a shitty team, does not bode well. This does not mean that they have a tough schedule, because they don't really. I mean all six NFC East games will be tough, though I have a feeling the Cowboys are on implosion mode and our games with them will be a battle of reverse momentums, where one team will just end up sucking a little more than the other. Arizona comes here in week 2, and a new QB without much time to learn that offense might give us a chance to win one there. And Minnesota comes here late in the season, which means Donovan McNabb will long have been broken and replaced by Christian Ponder, which could might mean a win. We also get San Francisco at home in the middle of the year which could honestly go either way. Maybe Harbaugh has those boys in shape by then, or maybe they are still the 49ers. They have the weapons.
We get to go to Miami in November, which is a winnable game, because they should suck. But the real test will be the last two weeks of October, when we have back-to-back road games at Carolina and then Buffalo, two of the only three teams considered to have a shittier potential than my damned Redskins. Really, those games will be the true test of whether this team is going to win the Andrew Luck sweepstakes for real, or will they get it together and run a couple wins. And the fact the 49ers home game and Dolphins road trip are the two weeks after these two lowly games means, if things break just right, the Skins could go on a roll, for really the only time this season, and maybe eke out a win against Dallas, and go 5-11, thus blowing next year's plan completely, which makes the most sense, because even when it comes to sucking, this team just can't quite do it in the best way possible.
That being said, I am hoping what looks to possibly be a terrorizing defense hits full-stride and is all carnivorous on motherfuckers, and then what looks to be a shitty offense is as shitty as expected, maybe even worse, and our defense can hold teams to 3 points on offense but still lose by 17 points because Rex Grossman is our QB, not to mention the fact the Skins went out and picked up Tim Hightower (who I love) who could be great but is well-known for his fumbling abilities. I don't necessarily trust a fumbling RB to turn his fumbling ways around when Rex Grossman is slopping the ball at him in the backfield.
Oh well, so with corrected reality, I figure the Skins, even being as shitty as they are, will still finish 3-13, and probably get the third draft pick in next year's draft. Yay football!


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