Tuesday, August 16, 2011
NFL ACLB PREVIEWS - #31: CAROLINA PANTHERS
PERTINENT DATA: 2-14 last year; 125 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Pro football needs to break out of its tired old racist ways in regards to the QB position. A pure talent like Cam Newton, who most likely is a renegade in regards to morality, which will be a great fit in Cackalacka, which is a great soulful somewhat immoral yet God-fearing place, where one can attend clubs with pajama parties and you can get good barbecue in 30 miles anywhere in the state... But a pure talent like Cam Newton, rather than being over-analyzed as how "he's not a traditional QB, not a dropback blah blah blah boring old bullshit from black-and-white films", he should be embraced. My homey Mavpa had come up with a two-QB system a while back that he tried to run on a semi-pro football team, and the key is to be like, "Fuck tradition." Think about how teams are all moving from having the one feature RB to having a pair, maybe three they use in this role, to rotate. Why not do this with mobile QBs? Fuck your wildcat formations as a trick, just get you a Cam Newton, and have an older Cam Newton, like Vince Young or Michael Vick, and get you a third dude who may be traditional who can air it out on 3rd and long or just be brought in as a decoy under center when you actually do some wacky next level shit. Hopefully with a new coach and Cam Newton, this is what they are ultimately conjuring up in Carolina, and young black rappers throughout the south will be wearing airbrushed Carolina Panthers t-shirts for years to come, because even if they only go 8-8 every year, they will do the most amazing shit ever each and every week.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): The worst case scenario for the Panthers probably involves the phrase “In the running for the number one overall pick” again. Which, let’s face it, is a very, very real possibility. Of course, this will involve a meltdown by Cam Newton, an epic failure by the new coaching staff, DeAngelo Williams getting hurt again, and, well, everything that probably will actually happen to the Panthers. The Panthers suck and they’re probably going to suck no matter what, and so honestly, we shouldn’t even be looking at it from that angle. We should be looking at the future, and the worst case scenario there is that Cam Newton melts down and is found sucking dick in a back alley somewhere after getting addicted to coke or something like that, which I’m not saying is going to definitely happen but I’m not saying it definitely won’t happen either. Let’s just remember: this is the worst case scenario. I mean, technically, the worst case scenario is probably something none of us can even picture, like the universe becoming inverted and us being conquered by aliens from another dimension with asses for heads who spew literal shit whenever they talk and giant penis guns that drown us all in semen. Given that scenario, the idea that Cam Newton gets caught blowing dudes in a back alley seems rather tame, you know? I’m just saying, let’s try to keep things in perspective.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): It seems too easy to say Steve Smith, who although a tough-as-nails veteran WR who always gets touted by talking heads as a solid dude, he's also a borderline primadonna in the league, and came from Utah. What kind of fucking black dude comes from Utah? So I'm going to go with LB Thomas Davis, simply because he made a short trek to Carolina from the University of Georgia, which means he's a new south brother, and I've seen rides of his in Donk Box & Bubble magazine a couple of times. Any simple southern black dude who becomes a millionaire and decides a proper thing to do is figure out how to put 28-inch rims on a 1967 Buick, and then take pictures of it parked in front of an antebellum mansion you bought, that's a solid new south dude, and makes me hopeful for our collective future.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): Cam Newton. There is just something slimy about this dude, and not slimy in a good way but slimy in an entitled and assholish way. Like, none of his scandals involve him getting caught with a bunch of hookers and a mountain of blow, which is a respectable scandal to get caught up in. Instead, all of his scandals involve him weaseling something out of somebody, like some self-important prick frat boy who’s never been slapped around before. That dude will turn out to be a sociopath who just takes whatever the fuck he wants no matter what and those dudes suck. Plus, he is the son of a preacher man, and not even the good kind of preacher man who is kinda crazy and has a poor ass church and who is probably porking the church secretary with the big ass because even though it’s a sin he just can’t help himself and it’s an open secret but nobody cares because that dude is pretty awesome and actually cares about things like helping poor people out and trying to make shit better. No, Cam Newton is the son of the sort of preacher man who’s into the whole fake smile megachurch thing and who would probably sell his congregation to slavers if it meant he could get a gold toilet installed in his office. You just can’t trust someone who was raised with those kind of values, especially if that dude is supposed to be the leader – and therefore de facto pastor – of your team.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: Mackenzy Bernadeau, who even played at a Bentley College, which makes him sound even more swank as fuck. That sounds like some Rolls Royce DNA to me.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, Cam Newton somehow proves me wrong and becomes the savior of the Carolina Panthers, but . . . honestly, my heart’s not in that shit and while that may not be fair to the people of Carolina, I don’t really give a fuck. In my perfect world, Cam Newton quickly flames out and the Panthers spiral even further into the abyss until Bill Richardson (That’s who owns this shitbird franchise, right?) is forced to sell the team to an anonymous billionaire who hires Ric Flair to be the front man for the team and Slick Ric remakes the team in his image and cuts wild promos every week on the Panthers opponents and is always getting busted trying to bribe the refs and then maybe he can feud with Sheriff Goodell and they can fight each other on the Superbowl undercard. I mean, fuck it, why not? Super Bowl Sunday is like 118 hours long anyway. You might as well cram something awesome in there in between all the pointless Bermanesque blathering. Oh, and maybe the anonymous billionaire is revealed to be, like, Larry Flynt or somebody like that.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): There is no one remotely as bad as the Panthers in the NFC South, so a 2-14 repeat is likely, just missing out on the number one draft pick, which shouldn't be such a stigma as it once was with the new rookie salary restrictions. Still though, they ran John Fox off for this? What happened to Bill Cowher? Remember what he did with Kordell Stewart? Yep, I see you working here Carolina.