Wednesday, August 17, 2011


PERTINENT DATA: 6-10 last year; 100 to 1 odds to win Super Bowl XLVI.
BEST CASE SCENARIO (Raven): Haha, even as I sip at the pyrite chalice of preseason posturing towards hopefulness, I am aware that best case scenario is these guys gel and show heart and are an 8-8 team that can take further strides towards repairing their damaged existence in the upcoming offseason. This is the first year we have not been fed a pack of marketing lies as Redskins fans, that all the pieces are finally in place and we'll finally get that fourth Lombardi Trophy we've been longing for since our youth. Yet somehow, we still get riled up and think that maybe last year's lies were truths, and that Mike Shanahan IS a genius, and because of this he has uncovered an overlooked gem in John Beck, and he will be our generation's Joe Montana, and the Redskins will win so many football games in the coming years that we'll be forced to stop playing American football and start competing in the English Premier League, where John Beck will show himself to be one of the great red-haired strikers in recent memory, and DeAngelo Hall becomes one of the flashiest successful goalies since that Chia pet haired Colombian dude who was friends with Pablo Escobar that would do that swaggertastic save where he dived forward and kicked the ball back out onto the field with his legs kicking backwards in pure dick mode. That's the best case scenario.
WORST CASE SCENARIO (Neil): The worst case scenario for the Redskins is also the most likely scenario, unfortunately for my dude, Raven, who I fear is about to enter a world known only to me and my kin. He already has the bumbling jackass quarterback prone to too many interceptions and saying stupid shit that everyone laughs at. And sadly for him, the Sex Cannon is an even shittier quarterback than Jon Kitna. He’s got the idiot dude in charge who is just sucking the soul from the fans, and again, sadly for him, at least my shitty dude, the Millen beast, was finally run out of town. Raven is stuck with Dan Snyder until that asshole decides he’s picked the bones of Redskins fans clean and that there is nothing left for him and his anus mouthed henchman to take. He’s got the head coach who’s drunk with power, is incapable of recognizing his own incompetence and who will do things his way no matter what even though his way is just dragging the team further into the miserable hell abyss they’ve been sliding into for far too long, only that head coach has enough credibility left over from his days of attaching that anus mouth to John Elway like a lamprey that Snyder won’t just punt his ass out like a common Marinelli. Look, what I’m saying here is that shit looks bad, man. Really bad, like 1-15 bad and the whole world turning into a stupid zoo from hell bad. This is the cruelest thing I ever wrote, because Raven is my dude and he knows I have credibility when it comes to football misery – so much terrible credibility – and I do not want to shred his heart as a fan before the season even begins but these are strange and terrible times and none of us can afford to be naïve. I am sure he will return the favor and bludgeon my hopes and dreams when he talks about the worst case scenario for the Lions but fuck it, we are men and we believe in the old ways and the old ways involve taking care of your own and so if we are going to have our hearts crushed and our dreams blown apart by a bazooka that fires knives made of fire and barbed wire and hate than it might as well be by each other.
PLAYER TO PULL FOR (Raven): Chris Cooley may not scribble hair metal band names on his practice shorts anymore, or get busted fucking multiple cheerleaders against team rules. In fact, he is part of the internet age, so I know for a fact Cooley's big events now off the field are poker night with his boys, where they smoke cigars like dorks, and just going down to his basement to do pottery. This is solid; the man is growing. I myself have quit drinking in the past year, and limit myself to natural hallucinogenics for the most part, though if I could find some good blotter acid, I'd probably take it. (Oh, to buy a full sheet of acid again... It is an amazing thing to hold an entire sheet of acid on your lap by tweezers and see what the full design in the paper looks like. A true lost art in our modern times.) And I drink health smoothies now, of my own concoction, with crushed chia seeds stuck in my teeth all the goddamned time, and being able to tell the difference between different types of yogurt by how they look. Shit man, I'm gonna make my own goddamned energy bars later tonight, like crush up a bunch of dates in a food processor and mix it with almonds and peanuts and more chia seeds and probably a touch of astragalus root powder if the order arrives at the house in time, and get my own goddamn energy bars, because I am growing older, and instead of destroying myself I want to destroy everything else, so I must be at my optimum mind and body and heart and soul. When you are 21, you can fuck nine chicks, do acid, drink a case of beer, steal a Jeep Cherokee with a flathead screwdriver, wreck it 90 miles away from home, hitchhike back home, and still make it to work at 3:30 pm without even losing a step. Ten years later, not so much so. You have to save your bursts of speed and power for the best moment. That's what Chris Cooley has gotten to. And yet he's still a weird ass dude, who will plow through a motherfucker, kind stumble sideways for 7 yards, and never complain once about anything, ever. I love that dude. I would actually buy a Cooley jersey from China if I didn't know it would be the jinx that would cause them to trade him to like the Seahawks for a 5th round draft pick.
PLAYER TO HATE MOST (Neil): Now that Fat Albert has been sold off like a goddamn sow to Bill Belichick – and God only knows what that degenerate will do with all that meat and gristle – I suppose if you’re going to root against anyone on this team, root against Santana Moss. He just seems like kind of a whiner, a dude who pretends to be a warrior and acts like he’s made of fire and victory when in reality he’s just the dude chasing after Ndamukong Suh and slapping away like a pussy while the Lord of the House of Spears laughs and swats him away like the annoying fly that he is. Fuck him.
BEST NAME ON TEAM: London Fletcher, also the best dude in the world.
IN A PERFECT WORLD (Neil): In a perfect world, Mike Shanahan and Dan Snyder are caught on camera doing unspeakable things. I don’t know, maybe Dan gets caught buying orphans and shoveling them into Shanahan’s puckered little mouth and then both are cast into the sea or burned at the stake or some medieval shit while the Redskins are placed under a regent council made up of, I don’t know, Dexter Manley, John Riggins and whoever else understands the glory years of the Redskins. Look, I just want Raven to be happy. His team is in a terrible place right now and they need some drastic changes if shit’s gonna get better. Trust me, I understand these things better than most. At least his team has a solid foundation that it can turn to, dudes who can pick up the pieces after this whole godforsaken thing explodes and rains down shit and sadness upon all its fans. In a perfect world, those Redskins heroes of yore come back to save the team while Dan Snyder is forced to ride an angry pig naked under the summer sun from Northern Maryland to the Virginia/North Carolina border, while onlookers line the streets and pelt him with shit and reduce him to tears with their vile insults, and then at the end of the journey, there can be a big cookout and people can choose whether they want to eat the angry pig or Dan Snyder. This may sound extreme but, again, these are strange and terrible times, and if you don’t think we will see a day when a crowd of people vote on whether or not to eat a pig or a man they hate, well then you just haven’t been paying attention.
PROGNOSIS (Raven): I think the Redskins will be better than a lot of people expect, as Shanahan has fleshed out a roster that never had really planned for depth for a number of years. Still though, 5-11, and last in the NFC East looks about right. But at least they'll be moving in a positive direction when it comes to building a team, if not so much in winning games.

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