Friday, July 8, 2011

2011 All ACLB Team Fullback

I didn’t want to have to include any New York Jets on here because, really, fuck them, you know? But this dude’s name is John Conner which makes him the future leader of mankind once Skynet freaks the fuck out on us and so how can I overlook that?
Sure, he’s only a backup fullback, but fuck that, make your own damn team. I for one will not abandon John Conner as he learns what it takes to be both a leader and a man. I’ve got his back. After all, just the other day I had to wrestle with my toaster after it sprouted arms and legs and tried to slit my throat with a butter knife. I drowned that fucker in the bathtub and then beat its corpse with the claw end of a hammer. I understand the perils that are coming. I have seen them with my own eyes. I have robot blood on my heads. Isaac Asimov was a fucking liar. Everybody needs to understand that. Listen to John Conner. Follow him if you want to live. His mom is in the nuthouse and his only friend is a giant Austrian freak who likes to talk about how lifting weight make him jizz in his pants. Have a heart. John Conner, I’m with you even if no one else is.

Fullback, along with tight ends in my world, is a key part of any offense, even though they get little respect and hardly ever even get drafted (fullbacks that be). Defense are well-known for being vicious bloodthirsty headhunters, whereas on offense there are two separate classes of people. You have your so-called skill players - QB, WRs, RBs - guys who are most likely to move jerseys, score TDs, get the shiniest pussies, and receive public accolades. And then you have your dirtbag offensive linemen. Those dudes have historically been the gulliest of all football players. FB and TEs are the bridge between these two classes of offensive players. If your FB and TEs are grimy dirtbags with a penchant for head-firsting their way into the end zone, full of offensive linemen mentality, this rubs into the skill players, and makes your offense a successful smashmouth operation. If your FB and TEs are finesse players, then you have yourself a team of pussies that may score 30,000 points, win a ton of games, but will crumble in the playoffs. See New England Patriots.
Anyways, ever since the retirement of Mack Strong, there has been no bonafide most awesome fullback ever in the NFL. And as much as I was not gonna pick a single fucking Washington Redskin for my All-Pro team, when I was thumbing through the list of active FBs in the NFL, nobody really topped my man Mike Sellers, who has been in the NFL for like 19 years, head-cracking motherfuckers as a lead blocker, catching only TD passes it seems, though not many, and trying to compress vertebraes on special teams. For years. He sometimes dyes his beard gold because he thinks he is a wrestler, and he is just plain not altogether together. This makes him the ideal FB, and this is why a guy like him, that many have never heard of, can make a long-term living in the NFL. God bless that stupid motherfucker.

NEXT MONDAY: Wide receivers


HillHeeb said...

Great call with John Conner. He is too noble for the Jets. The Jets and Rex Ryan (HAW HAW FOOT FETISH HAW HAW) are the type of people who would side with the machines to spare their own miserable lives.

Neil said...

Agreed. Speaking of Rex Ryan, I do believe I basically destroy him later on, so look for that.

Raven Mack said...

I also vaguely remember writing about how foot fetishes are awesome but can't know for sure.

Neil said...

Yeah, I think the one nice thing I said about Rex Ryan was the foot fetish shit and then I shat all over the rest of him, so basically the opposite of what everybody else does whenever it comes to that idiot. I also think I insinuated that Bill Belichik was a vampire of some sort and that he and Tom Brady were fucking, but shit, I don't want to spoil the rest of this infernal thing TOO much, you know?