Thursday, December 9, 2010

The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young: The Angel Of Death


(As always, if this is your first time reading one of . . . whatever the fuck this is, I suggest you catch up by reading the previous chapters in the saga of The Great Willie Young. You can do this by clicking the tag at the end of this post titled, naturally, "Willie Young". Also, I apologize for dragging you into this. You'll . . . you'll see.)

Today’s tale comes down to us from the depths of time, when a young and arrogant Pharaoh of Egypt was the OG Hitler, a degenerate anti-Semitic beast who worked his Jewish slaves to death and who frolicked in the tainted waters of the Nile with his whore wife and took special pleasure in persecuting a former friend of his, an Egyptian Prince who turned out to be a Jew Orphan named Moses. Indeed, this Pharaoh and Moses had grown up as brothers, and . . . aw, hell, you know this part of the story.

What you don’t know is that in Moses’ darkest hour, he turned to God for answers and God, in the form of the Burning Bush, told Moses to “Turn thy eyes unto the Nubian, for in him is the light of heaven and the thunder of my wrath.” The burning bush then went silent. Confused, Moses spent several days out of his mind on Peyote screaming and crying at random bushes in the Egyptian desert, demanding answers that would not come. Who was this Nubian? Where would he find him? Desperate, Moses did the last of his Peyote and climbed a mountain that looked to the south. He began screaming for answers, and was on the verge of giving up when he heard the faint echo of a response, deep in the distance, obscured by a hazy fog. Moses strained to hear the words, until finally they entered his drug addled brain and swirled around and coalesced into a simple and yet powerful message. “I am here,” the voice whispered inside of him and Moses stared for hours into the fog until, almost imperceptibly, it began to lift. And it began to lift because in the midst of it came the light of a shining star, at first dull and gray and then finally, white, hot and brilliant. Moses was forced to shield his eyes and he dropped to his knees and thanked God for such a sign. When he finally opened them, standing before him was a tall and powerful dark skinned warrior. Moses began to weep. He had found the Nubian who God had told him to seek out. Moses kneeled before this figure of great light and asked, through joyful tears, “Are . . . are you an angel?” The Nubian just smiled and shook his mighty head. He offered his hand to Moses, which Moses took, and then the Nubian lifted him up and said “Nah, man, I’m The Great Willie Young.”

And so Moses returned to the realm of the Pharaoh of Egypt, his resolve strengthened, his heart raised up towards heaven, and with The Great Willie Young at his side. Upon being told that Moses had returned, the Pharaoh was said to have just laughed and said “Tell that old goat that I have a position as my royal ass wiper that’s his if he begs hard enough.” The Pharaoh was then told that Moses was accompanied by a Nubian warrior of great repute. At this news, the Pharaoh was said to have just shook his head in disgust. After all, he and his forefathers had already bested the Nubians in combat. He wasn’t afraid of a lone Nubian warrior. It was then that one of the Pharaoh’s servants took it upon himself to whisper something in his ear. The Pharaoh immediately went pale and his breathing became labored and ragged. No one knows exactly what the servant whispered to the Pharaoh but the Pharaoh then fell into a deep and terrible sleep that lasted for days. It was a restless sleep, a sleep marked by panicked outbursts, when the Pharaoh would seemingly awake, wild eyed, and scream a single name over and over and over again, the name of The Great Willie Young, before collapsing back into his bed.

The Pharaoh’s servants feared for his life and they began to make preparations for his young son to ascend to the throne of Egypt. But when all seemed lost, the Pharaoh suddenly awoke and he sat upright in his bed. His face was ashen, his eyes hardened and stern and he had aged 50 years in only three days. He croaked for water, with which he wetted his chapped lips and his swollen twisted tongue, and then he sighed deeply and he said “I have been to the underworld. I have seen hell, and I have seen my own fate. I am chased by a dragon of the Hebrew God, a dragon who has taken the form of mortal man and calls himself Willie Young.” The Pharaoh then began to weep. It was said to be a shameful sight. Even his own son told him to stop being such a pussy and then slapped the old man, who just gibbered and screamed and carried on about how “it’s all useless! There is no hope! Someone fetch me Moses so I can surrender!”

Horrified, the Egyptian noblemen at court summoned an aged and mysterious old doctor whose exotic looks and strange speech often frightened and intimidated all but the heartiest of the Egyptian people. It is rumored that this doctor was none other than Wu Pei, The Great Willie Young’s old friend and father in law, who took the job because he had heard rumors that if he got close enough to the Pharaoh he would gain access to the Scorpion King’s treasure. And as we all know, if there is one thing that old Wu Pei values above all else, it is sweet, sweet treasure.

The Pharaoh’s men hustled Wu Pei to the Pharaoh’s chamber and demanded that he do something – brew a potion, invoke a spell – anything that would turn the Pharaoh from the simpering pussy before them into the royal ass kicker they all knew and loved and feared. Wu Pei refused and they threatened him with death. But he just laughed because he was like The Great Willie Young – immortal. He then told them that he would cure the Pharaoh of his cowardice if they would grant him access to the legendary Scorpion King’s treasure. Finally, Wu Pei had found his moment to cash in. Defeated and terrified by the Pharaoh’s condition, his closest advisors felt as if they had no choice and so they reluctantly divulged the secrets of the Scorpion King’s treasure to Wu Pei, who just laughed and then slapped the Pharaoh repeatedly, screaming at him “Be a man! Be a maaaaaaan!” He also stuck him with a needle full of synthetic adrenaline which when combined with the body’s living tissue would perpetuate itself forever, thus ensuring that the Pharaoh would be an adrenalized super beast until the day that he died.

It was a horrible scene. The Pharaoh immediately shit his pants and then hopped out of bed and began beating the living hell out of his advisors. He then ran from his room, punched out a goat and spent the next 72 hours beating his slaves and fucking his wife, who, sadly, would never walk again. Wu Pei just laughed again and then disappeared in a cloud of smoke. It was rumored that he then trekked to the location of the Scorpion King’s hidden treasure and that this story is the basis for the upcoming film The Mummy IV: Give Us Your Money. Therefore, due to copyright purposes, we can say no more about Wu Pei and his adventure.

Instead, let us return to Moses and his new friend/inspiration/bodyguard, The Great Willie Young. After their arrival, the duo worked day and night to rally the Hebrew people to their cause. One by one, the Jewish slaves were persuaded by the words of Moses, who said “If we just do this one thing, we the Jewish people will never have to suffer again, amirite?” Whenever he said this, The Great Willie Young would wince and then dramatically clear his throat, which would invariably always cause Moses to say “What, Willie, you have a little cold? Now? Oy.” And then the two would argue for a few minutes before The Great Willie Young would grow tired of the banter and would bench press a cow, which always amazed the beleaguered slaves they were trying to convince to join them, who would then rush to join the movement to overthrow the Pharaoh. After all, they had to know they were backing a winner. It’s like their mothers always said, “It’s important to be practical. Sure, sure, dreams are nice, but you’ve got to have something to fall back on. So why not be a nice doctor, or maybe a dentist?” And then a bunch of other Jewish stereotypes were played out. I don’t much like it, but it’s in the Bible, so what can you do?

After gathering up the Jewish people behind him, Moses went to visit the Pharaoh, who, all jacked up on synthetic adrenaline, was busy powerlifting and posing in front of a full length mirror. In his downtime, since he had so much superhuman energy to work off, it is said that the Pharaoh invented Zubaz pants and also the do-rag, which he would then wear during his monster work outs, but that is all irrelevant to the story and I apologize for the digression.

Anyway, Moses and The Great Willie Young went to visit the Pharaoh, who just laughed when Moses demanded “Let my people go!” The Pharaoh then grunted and leered at a slave girl before pumping some more iron. Moses and The Great Willie Young tried to ignore the fact that the Pharaoh had a monstrous hard-on thanks to the synthetic adrenaline, which had been transformed in his testicles into a sort of ancient version of Viagra. It was tough and it meant that they were constantly looking around the room, which somewhat lessened the power of their demands.

Fed up after several of these encounters, Moses, his brother Aaron, and The Great Willie Young smoked a bunch of hash and tried to think up ways to neutralize the Pharaoh’s hideous boner. After a marathon smoking session, the trio tumbled out of Moses’ tent, laughing and crying at the same time. It would seem that Aaron had finally gotten the bright idea to turn the Pharaoh’s perpetual erection into a snake. This, Aaron insisted, would prove the power of God’s might to the Pharaoh and would also be funny as fuck. The trio set out to meet with The Pharaoh, only to discover him listening to some ancient Egyptian version of Motorhead, played on a bitchin’ lute by one of his slaves, pumping iron and fixing his Harley Davidson Chariot at the same time.

The Pharaoh grunted when he saw the trio and offered them a beer. When they declined, he muttered “Pussies” and then thrust his always erect member in the direction of one of his slaves, who shook with fear. After all, the Pharaoh had been running wild for days, screwing everything that moved in a vain attempt to soothe the savage beast in between his legs. (I’m so sorry . . .)

Moses, Aaron and The Great Willie Young all looked at each other. Now was the perfect time to make their move. Calling upon the power of God, Moses pointed at The Pharaoh’s boner. Only seconds later, the Pharaoh began to scream in agony as his erection began to writhe around violently in his Zubaz pants. The Pharaoh furiously pounded on his own penis, which was now a living snake. He screamed and howled for help as the penis hissed and tried to break free of the Pharaoh’s body. The whole time, Moses, Aaron and The Great Willie Young laughed their asses off, although to be fair, they were still kinda high.

Finally, the Pharaoh’s guard broke in and began hacking at the snake penis with their swords. The Pharaoh screamed in agony and then collapsed and wept when he saw his penis snake lying dead on the floor, hacked into pieces. But his sadness quickly turned to rage, rage fueled by synthetic adrenaline and he lunged at the Hebrew trio, but was immediately put down by a savage uppercut from The Great Willie Young. Moses stood over the dazed Pharaoh and said “Back off, man, I’ve got the power of God on my side.” The Pharaoh sneered and slithered away, but not before Moses continued, saying “So, how about you let my people go now?”

The Pharaoh spit on his own floor and hardened his heart. Fuck it. He didn’t care about his mangled penis. That thing was just getting to be a burden anyway. He sneered at Moses. “Fuck you, Mo,” he said. “I ain’t doin’ shit. In fact, I’m gonna start building a new temple tomorrow, one that will be so fuckin’ big that all my Jew slaves will suffer trying to build it. How do you like that shit?”

Moses just shook his head and walked out without a word. The Great Willie Young however, stayed behind for a moment and said “Pharaoh, you a damn fool.” Even through the adrenaline, the Pharaoh knew fear in that moment, but he forced himself to laugh anyway. The Great Willie Young just shook his head, clapped Aaron on the shoulder and said “Yo, you have any of that hash left?” And then they left.

Days later, Moses again appeared before the Pharaoh and told him that he had one more chance to shape up and let his people go. He told him that God was going to hit him with a shitload of plagues if he didn’t do what he was told, but the Pharaoh pretended not to hear as he revved his chariot’s engine and turned up the volume on his servant’s lute. Moses, disappointed in the Pharaoh, just shook his head and returned to The Great Willie Young, who was waiting, ready. He nodded grimly and said “Willie, my friend, I leave it in your hands.” The Great Willie Young rose, and in that moment, he was said to resemble the waking of a great mountain of fire, and the people could see – if only for a heartbeat – his true self and they fell to their knees in awe for they knew, once and for all, that he was a being of pure light and an emissary of the one true God.

The Great Willie Young was ready. Now was the time he had been waiting for ever since he made himself known to Moses. It was time to unleash the Ten Plagues.

The first thing The Great Willie Young did was travel through time, where he gathered up the corpses of all his slain enemies. He then brought them back to ancient Egypt and he drained their bodies into the Nile, until the water was nothing but the blood of his enemies. When the Egyptian people awoke to find such a horrible scene they immediately cried out in anguish and fear. The Nile was their life, and it had been transformed into a river of blood. They begged the Pharaoh to release the Jews from their bondage, but he just kept on pumping iron and hardened his heart.

The Great Willie Young then shook his head and traveled again through time, to his kingdom in the Louisiana Bayou. He gathered up every frog he could find in the Bayou and then traveled back to Egypt. He then released the frogs on the people of Egypt, who freaked out because, damn, there were a shitload of frogs. But the Pharaoh shut himself away, ordered his slaves to add some drums to the Motorhead lute and he continued to pump iron in defiance of the Lord.

The Great Willie Young just grit his teeth and he went to Aaron, Moses’ brother and he said “Aaron, my dude, I love you ‘cuz you got the finest hash, but damn, you a dirty hippy. Can I borrow some of your lice?” Aaron was cool with this, probably because he was high, and The Great Willie Young took Aaron’s lice and he released them on the people of Egypt. The lice bred and multiplied and the people wept and even though they shaved their heads and washed their bedding and used special shampoo they could not rid themselves of the lice because the lice existed as an extension of God’s will. The Pharaoh didn’t care, though. He thought he looked bad-ass with a shaved head.

And so The Great Willie Young went back to his Bayou kingdom and he gathered all the gigantic horseflies he could find. He then returned to Egypt and released the giant flies on the horrified people, who bitched and moaned because the flies bit them and were generally annoying. But the Pharaoh just laughed because he lived indoors and didn’t have to worry about flies. Besides, he had just bought a lizard that ate flies so if any got indoors then, hey, free lizard food.

But The Great Willie Young was not discouraged. It was time to kick things up a notch. He returned to the present where he called upon several friends of his, scientists like Dave Copernicus and Bob Newton, and they collaborated with fellow scientists like Norman Einstein and Tila Tequila to develop a strain of syphilis from Ms. Tequila’s blood, which they then handed over to The Great Willie Young, who returned to Ancient Egypt and dosed the livestock of the Egyptian people with the Tila Tequila Syphilis. Almost immediately, the livestock grew ill and went mad. They died by the thousands and the Egyptian people mourned and threw up their hands and demanded that the Pharaoh let the Jewish people go. But the Pharaoh didn’t care because he had all his beef imported from overseas.

The Great Willie Young just shook his head and thought to himself “Damn, this shit’s gettin’ outta hand.” But he had a job to do and so he used the little bits of the Tila Tequila Syphilis he had kept in case of an emergency and he used it to dose the most popular Egyptian prostitutes. Only days later, the majority of the population came down with mysterious boils, hideous to look at, painful to live with. The Great Willie Young made a note to himself to avoid Tila Tequila when he returned to the present, or future, or whatever the hell you want to call what it is right now. This is getting confusing, so let’s just move on. Okay, anyway, the Pharaoh was miraculously spared from these boils because, let’s not forget, his penis had been turned into a snake and then chopped off. What? It’s all in the Bible.

The Great Willie Young had just about had enough and so he began to stomp the earth and punch the sky until his might had disturbed the whole of the atmosphere. What followed was terrifying thunder and softball sized hail, which rained down upon the Egyptian people and smashed all of their windshields and made driving a real bitch. But the Pharaoh used the opportunity to whip the giant hail balls at his servants, laughing at their terrible pain. Man, that dude was an asshole, wasn’t he?

And so The Great Willie Young screamed, using a pitch that was inaudible to man but which acted as a beacon for locusts from all around the world. Some would say that this is getting ridiculous, but what can I say? I am just a humble chronicler of history and so I will not judge. Anyway, these locusts descended upon the crops of Egypt and destroyed them. Soon, the grain silos began to empty and the Egyptian people began to starve, but the Pharaoh had devoted himself to the Atkins Diet and so he didn’t care about grain at all and he went on feasting upon his imported beef and pumping iron. By the way, by this point the Pharaoh resembled a young Schwarzenegger.

The Great Willie Young just shook his head and knew what he had to do next. He traveled to the year 3217 AD and he borrowed a giant spaceship from the Alien conqueror of Earth, Xyzzzzyxxxs, whom he had befriended during a game of high stakes poker. He then flew the giant spaceship – and when I say giant, I mean damn near planet sized, like the Death Star or some shit - back to Ancient Egypt and used it to block out the sun. The Egyptian people were terrified as their land was covered in darkness. They were certain that the end times were at hand and they appealed to the Pharaoh to let the Jewish people go. But the Pharaoh was an evil bastard and he worshipped the darkness and he used it to stalk the streets and steal the purses of little old ladies.

The Great Willie Young just sighed and said to himself “Enough of this shit.” He told Moses to go before the Pharaoh and warn him that if he didn’t let the Jewish people go, then the first born child of every Egyptian family would be killed. The Pharaoh told Moses to go to hell and Moses just shook his head and told The Great Willie Young to proceed as planned. What followed was horrifying but sadly necessary. Look, the Pharaoh wasn’t listening to reason. Wu Pei fucked up when he got him all hopped up on synthetic testosterone, and as usual, The Great Willie Young had to clean up Wu Pei’s mess.

What nobody knows is that The Great Willie Young’s nickname – or at least one of them – is the Angel of Death, and that’s not just some made up cool sounding name, you know? It’s because The Great Willie Young, when shit gets really real, is forced to be the actual Angel of Death. And because of the Pharaoh’s arrogance and spiting of God, The Great Willie Young was forced to travel to every home in Ancient Egypt and beat the first born children to death. It was a total bloodbath. I mean, the Great Willie Young even beat the first born of cows and horses to death. He shotgunned baby elephants and took a hatchet to baby monkeys. It was awful. He didn’t want to do it, but a job’s a job, you know?

And finally, covered in blood, The Great Willie Young stalked to the doors of the palace of The Pharaoh. He kicked them in and he made his way to the room of the Pharaoh’s son. There, he found the Pharaoh himself blocking the way. Now, the Pharaoh was absurdly strong, thanks to the synthetic adrenaline and his newfound obsession with weightlifting, but he was no Willie Young, and sure enough The Great Willie Young swept the Pharaoh aside with a mighty backhand. Dazed by this mighty bitchslap, the Pharaoh lay crumpled in the corner and watched in horror as The Great Willie Young choked out his son Chris Benoit style and then flung the boy’s corpse at the Pharaoh’s feet.

Despite the adrenaline pumping through his body, the Pharaoh wept – as any father would – and his tears were like acid to him. They burned his body and his soul and through gritted teeth he told The Great Willie Young to tell Moses that he had won and that he and his people were finally free to go.

When they heard the news, all the Jewish people celebrated. The people of Egypt were fucked up, but no matter. That’s what those assholes got for owning slaves and backtalking God. Moses, with The Great Willie Young and his stoner brother Aaron by his side, gathered the Jewish people and they marched out of Egypt towards the Promised Land.

But that asshole Pharaoh had one more trick up his sleeve. He wasn’t going to just let them march out of there in triumph after all the shit they had put him through. His kingdom was in ruins, his son was dead and he had no dick. He fired up his souped up chariot and he led his chariot gang, who were all armed with whips and chains and clad in leather and denim jackets with patches that said “Pharaoh’s Chariot Club of Upper and Lower Egypt” on them, in pursuit of the Jews. They finally caught up with them at The Red Sea, where Moses stood in front of everyone and raised his staff to heaven and God responded by parting the waters of the Red Sea. The Jewish people passed through and then the Pharaoh and his men revved their chariot engines and roared down after them. But they were too late, for The Great Willie Young had finished crossing at the rear of the Jewish people and he stopped and looked back and he saw the Pharaoh trapped by the waters of the Red Sea on either side and he nodded and the waters rushed back down and drowned the Pharaoh and all his men and The Great Willie Young just smiled grimly and he said “Vaya con dios, motherfucker. Vaya con dios.”

After crossing the Red Sea, The Great Willie Young departed from the Jewish people. They all wept and begged him to stay but he told them that his work was done and that if they followed Moses and Aaron they would soon reach the Promised Land– give or take 40 years of wandering. Moses and The Great Willie Young embraced and Moses thanked him for everything he had done and told him that he swore that he wouldn’t leave him out of the Bible. Aaron gave The Great Willie Young a satchel filled with, uh, herbs and spices and The Great Willie Young smiled and then there was a blinding light, like that of a great star and when its light had faded, the Jewish people looked and The Great Willie Young was gone. And the Jews lived happily ever after and never had a problem again. What?


Ty said...

"Fed up after several of these encounters, Moses, his brother Aaron, and The Great Willie Young smoked a bunch of hash and tried to think up ways to neutralize the Pharaoh’s hideous boner. After a marathon smoking session, the trio tumbled out of Moses’ tent, laughing and crying at the same time. It would seem that Aaron had finally gotten the bright idea to turn the Pharaoh’s perpetual erection into a snake. This, Aaron insisted, would prove the power of God’s might to the Pharaoh and would also be funny as fuck."

This is when I fell off the couch laughing.


Neil said...

I loved writing this more than I have anything in a while. I think this is my personal favorite tale of The Great Willie Young.

Agent P said...

You have achieved a new "high" with this valiant tale of the great Willie Young. Hopefully we will see his fury unleashed against the godless packers this weekend

Neil said...

When Willie finally gets on the field and sacks somebody I might just dissolve into the atmosphere because I won't know how to handle myself.

Also, thank you, Agent P.