Let me write of the football, as my house is in a cluster of preparations for Thanksgiving gorging. Actually, I made kimchi this evening, because I was afraid the vegetables would go bad, and wanted to clear room on the bottom half of the fridge for leftovers tomorrow evening, because even though it is only myself, my ol’ lady, and our three daughters, we are gonna have mad motherfuckin’ food in this motherfucker. What is more American than stuff our fucking fat faces full of everything, slicking even more than necessary down our gullet with some giblet gravy, and passing out drunk and half naked with our pants around our thighs to unleash our aching ass intestines on the second couch because the first one has some sort of unwanted guest already laying on it? I have stoked myself into a serious frenzy over football this year for some reason, probably because the last two Thanksgivings I have been travelling and staying with family that ain’t all that cool and not nearly as extended as I wish they were. Luckily, I probably fucked it up somehow because most of them don’t talk to us anymore. My bad, yet my blessing.
Anyways, in regards to Thanksgiving football, the NFL is a fake monster that has engineered itself, and has benefitted from the Lions being not good, so that they could justify a third game at night, without tradition, like the Cowboys/Lions home games have. Fuck you NFL. Also fuck you America. This early Lions/Patriots game is really the Truth of America’s Future, laid out publicly. The Patriots and pretty boy multi-millionaire Tom Brady are the America that Al-Qaeda hates – privileged and given everything already and getting the rules specifically changed to benefit themselves. This goes beyond the Tuck Rule which helped create the Legend of Tom Brady, but all the “don’t hurt the QB” rules that came into effect basically because of Brady. Meanwhile, Detroit’s football franchise is a blighted wasteland, much like Detroit itself, and Michigan in general, the forgotten and faded glories of America, factories with plywood windows and a downtrodden people so hopeless that they just don’t even give a fuck to give a fuck anymore.
Yet somehow, it seems to me if we are what we think we are – a nation of people who can fuck shit up and git-r-dun like no others, then we could just straight up rule the earth again, from within, by kicking ass with actual things that are shaped from steel and built with machines. Or we could just try to trick the world into respecting us using our technological trickeries, which is more likely what will happen, and very New England Patriotic of us.
I root for the Lions on Thanksgiving this year because I would like to believe there is still a second era of American glory, and we are not just riding out our century of top dog status before the Chinese call in our debts and enslave us all. If the Patriots win, you might as well think back on that Thanksgiving fable from Plymouth Rock (near the Patriots) as bullshit mythology, and realize that we are no longer the Pilgrims but the Indians, just waiting for our smallpox blankets to clear us out the way for the next financial epoch. But perhaps these hodgepodge Lions can win, and we still stand a chance to be proud Americans again, not fake ass Americans with flag magnets made in China stuck to our Nissans. Fuck.
Anyways, this week we are taking a stroll through the NFC South and East divisions, which although the NFC is allegedly a vastly inferior conference to the AFC, these two divisions have the exact same won-loss totals as the AFC’s two best divisions – also the East and South. And remember, this is a scientific process, where the overall rankings, as well as the 1 through 8 of these particular teams, is all determined through a precise set of calculations, and cross-referenced with my own psychedelic substance abuse, which lately has been a THC tincture droppered into some nice ass molasses cookies I got from the Mennonites at the farmer’s market over in Nellysford. Good stuff man, good stuff. So here we go…
#1: ATLANTA FALCONS (8-2, 3rd overall) – It’s slightly odd how far under the radar the Falcons have flown when talk of the best teams in the NFL comes up, especially considering how much hype Michael Vick’s resurgence has gotten, and how the Falcons have a better record, and the motherfuckin’ most natural blood rivalry between him and the Falcons is right there. Odd thing is – and this goes straight into my belief the NFL is engineered – that Vick was knocked out for the game between these two earlier this year. And now Vick is getting MVP talk. It certainly seems like the groundwork for a Falcons/Eagles NFC championship game is being laid early on, and the Falcons are not getting a lot of that hype at this point. They’re a solid team though, with a good offense featuring multiple threats, and a tough defense with a bunch of unknown dudes peppered with some more well-respected vets… it’s textbook footballery going on. Really hard to believe the whole Vick thing and that fat fucker from The Sopranos who was their coach who bailed on them was only a couple years ago. Matt Ryan is like Tom Brady, just without all the Bradyness shine. Perhaps that is why all this is being engineered at this point, so that the famous Michael Vick can achieve redemption, and yet do the job in the NFC Championship game to the Falcons, so that the young Matty “Ice” Ryan can step up to the big stage of the Super Bowl and be given that worldwide shine, so that the NFL can start their transition from the Brady/Manning era into whatever the fuck they have planned for us next. Who will star in NFL Visa commercials in 2015? I can’t wait to find out; and I can’t wait to use my Visa card. (See, that is America, and that is the NFL.)
#2: PHILADELPHIA EAGLES (7-3, 7th overall) – Michael Vick’s smile is no different than it was when he was a dogfighter. Personally, I will never forgive Vick for ruining the proud sport of cockfighting in America, because once he got busted, it brought the heat down on every illegal animal fighting operation across my home state of Virginia, so that cockfighting rings that had solidly been in existence for decades and decades were told to shut down or get busted, just like Vick. Now, I have to ship my gamecocks all the way to the Philippines or Mexico, and I can’t even in the comfort of my own state watch these magnificent creatures do battle. If you have never seen a cockfight, let me tell you, there are few things more beautiful than two wound up roosters flying at each other, talon first, feathers flying, bouncing with the adrenaline of a million years of natural hatred overwhelming their tiny little brains. It’s fucking beautiful, and fuck you Mike Vick for ruining it. Also it should be noted that although most NFL pundits are all like, “OHMYGOD! The Eagles are the best in the NFL!” because of a couple of games, true metasciences tell us they are only the 7th best team in the NFL right now.
#3: TAMPA BAY BUCCANEERS (7-3, 9th overall) – Speaking of under the radar, I’m not even sure most people know Tampa Bay still has a football team. I know I didn’t. But then there they are, in the standings every week. Their quarterback is a guy who used to be shooting guard for the Miami Heat. They do have that kid from Oregon who punched that other player last year, LeGarrette Blount, which is one of those names that sounds like a product not a person, like a finer type of blunt paper for upwardly mobile inner-city types, that would probably have a commercial with Jay-Z and be partnered up with Heineken.
#4: NEW ORLEANS SAINTS (7-3, 10th overall) – The Saints have been a fairly inconspicuous and unnoticeable 7-3. Like it seems like they have fallen off, and not doing that well this year, yet they are 7-3, which is only one game out of home field advantage in the NFC playoffs. They won the Super Bowl last year, so I don’t really care much about talking about them. Winners are fucking boring. They should just have like the last four Super Bowl champions be in their own stupid league of Champions, and then the rest of us losers can try to win a Lombardi Trophy. Speaking of which…
#5: WASHINGTON REDSKINS (5-5, 11th overall) – Oh beloved Redskins, which way will your mediocrity blow this week? This is the nature of the 2010 NFL – crappy teams sprinkled with a couple of people you know being pretty good about five days after being the worst thing in history. The playoffs should be interesting as fuck, because somebody is going to have to win at least three games in a row. As for my Redskins, I am shamefully proud of them. Top stat of the year is how many opposing QBs they have knocked the fuck out this year, which gives me hope that they could perhaps end Brett Favre’s career this weekend. That would be an amazing thing and would be the second highlight of Dan Snyder owning this team, the first of which was them ending Troy Aikman’s career.
#6: NEW YORK GIANTS (6-4, 14th overall) – Now that Wade Phillips is gone from the NFL coaching ranks, the stupidest looking head coach is Tom Coughlin, with his head cocked sideways just slightly, like an old man trying to figure out what a Southern rap song is jibber-jabbering about. I imagine that goes on fairly regularly in the locker room, him all being like, “What the shit is a dougie?” and Eli Manning is chuckling while they watch somebody having a rhythmic epileptic seizure across the room, saying in budget hick Manning voice, “Awwwww coach, it’s just a dayunce they do.” Tom’s head cocks a little more sideways for a second and then he goes back to his office to crank some old big band music while studying game film on an actual projector until the wee hours of the morning. Next day when he wakes up, like the end of that last film is still spinning and the one part is flapping at the end of the reel, clickity clickity clickity, and he gets down to trying to understand what the hell is up with his players, listening to their fucking music and thinking peeing on women is a sexual act.
#7: DALLAS COWBOYS (3-7, 24th overall) – Jason Garrett has resurrected the crackhead sodomites from the dead. Last year this time, my family went to south Florida and I watched dolphins bob their heads out the water on Thanksgiving Day. When we flew home, the shuttle back to the parking lot at the Richmond Airport, we shared a ride with a pair of lesbian chicks decked out in Cowboys gear, the butchy surly one in a Jason Witten jersey, and the friendly smiley one with long hair in a Romo jersey. We made small talk, and I mocked their Cowboy fandom, and they had a good laugh and complimented our children on their behavior. Turns out that lesbian couple was the mom and mom’s girlfriend of a dude I had worked with on a few job sites. This is an amazingly small world we live in, and though you might confuse yourself and think that you are more connected by having your smart phone and access to all types of distractions, and yet we are disconnected from what is actually happening around us, like directly. Zombies looking down at their handheld tracking device. Tomorrow, since I hate the Cowboys, when their game is starting, I’m going to take my kids outside and we are going to build a fort in the gone feral pasture, and we will play cowboys and Indians, and if my kids want to be the cowboy, I am going to beat them and not allow them to have any pumpkin pie. I do not care if my children end up lesbians, but they will not end up Cowboy fans.
#8: CAROLINA PANTHERS (1-9, 32nd overall) – It looks like finally Operation Bill Cowher in Carolina will come to fruition, as the Panthers have gotten so godawful bad that John Fox will not be able to pull off a late season burst to save his job yet again. This means next year he will probably be in broadcast TV, where he’ll sit long enough for the stain of this year’s team to sort of air off of him, and then he’ll be the hot prospect head coaching dude that everyone has to have.