Thursday, November 11, 2010

The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young: L'Ange Sombre

Note: If you haven't done so, you might want to catch up on the previous chapters in The Adventures Of The Great Willie Young. Otherwise, there are things in this that just won't make any damn sense. Well . . . more than usual, anyway. Just click on the tag below this post titled "Willie Young" and prepare to have your mind blown. Or at least mildly horrified. Okay? Okay.

Today’s tale comes down to us from December of 1944. After landing on the beaches of Normandy, the Allied forces had slowly punched their way into France. There, they were met by the horrific site of bombed out villages and Nazis crawling around like vicious cockroaches, scurrying before the light of freedom carried by the Big Dicked American GI’s. Now, that may sound like senseless jingoism, but what most people don’t understand is that prior to landing on D-Day, the Allied forces had been joined by a mysterious soldier of fortune, a man with a haunting gaze and muscles for days. It was said that whenever anybody looked into his eyes, they could see the depth of time, and the mysteries of the universe would be laid bare. It was also scientifically proven by none other than Albert Einstein and his assistant, Tila Tequila’s grandfather, that each American soldier who found himself in this stranger’s presence grew by an average of three inches – four to six inches in, uh, other places. They also were imbued with a brilliant light, which made their faces shine like golden suns and which caused the enemy to wither and die before them like weeds in hell. This great and glorious man was none other than The Great Willie Young.

It would seem that he simply went by the name The Dark Angel as he led the charge through France, and everywhere he went, hearts were lifted and spirits rose and the Nazi swine fell back, gibbering and naked, throwing themselves on their bayonets and eating their own tongues in savage fear. But The Great Willie Young is not a glory whore, and so he made the decision to settle down in a little village which had been nearly destroyed by the Nazis. This village had become nameless, such was its destruction. Its people were nearly homeless, shorn of pride, bereft of dignity, and they scratched out their meager existence by eating rats and sleeping in the bombed out rubble of their once modest but happy homes.

As the American soldiers came through, they were greeted with tears and pleas for help, but the Americans had a mission, a mission that would take them all the way to Berlin and eventually to the pinnacle of worldly power. The Great Willie Young, however, had no such mission. He was merely there to do the right thing, and his heart was moved by the scene at the nameless village. He had seen a lot and he had done a lot, but his heart was so pure that it was never hardened by the vicious realities of this world. Besides, as he was marching through, he noticed a hot French chick milking the only cow left in the village.

And so The Great Willie Young decided to stay in this tiny village, and he endeavored to help the people rebuild, using his great powers as a tool of peace instead of war. Every day, he would clear away rubble and repair roofs and hunt wild deer and the people were overjoyed and the old women called him L'Homme de Miracle, or The Miracle Man while the men simply called him sir. At night, he would disappear into the countryside with the French farm girl who had caught his eye, a raven haired beauty named Celeste. She would call him L'Ange Sombre, or The Dark Angel. She would also call him other things, but they are not fit for a family story such as this.

No one knew what went on when the two would disappear from the village but the old ladies later told stories of wild animalistic fury, with one woman saying (translated, of course) “It sounded like an elephant wrestling with a stallion while a dragon roared overhead.” That is of course a loose translation, and as mysterious as those words are, they pale in comparison to the tale told by another old lady, who said “At night, the earth would shake and I would see fire in the sky, and I would bury my head in my hands and weep and I would pray to God for salvation and then I would hear a deep and thunderous voice – it sounded like Barry White, even though I don’t know who that is because he is only a tiny baby back in America – and that voice would say “Oh baby” over and over again, and it soothed my soul and I knew that everything was alright.”

Whatever was happening at night, it wasn’t hindering The Great Willie Young’s efforts during the day, as within weeks he had reportedly rebuilt almost the entire village. The people were overjoyed, and there began murmurings that he was “the Black Jesus” or at the very least, an angel sent from God to relieve their suffering.

But the world is not so kind as The Great Willie Young, and it will inevitably reach up and strangle you in your sleep if you are not careful. Now, The Great Willie Young was wise and therefore always careful – for example, he always pulled out on time – but he was also happy, and happy men inevitably let their guard down, even if they don’t realize they are doing it. And so, on a cold winter’s night, only days before Christmas, The Great Willie Young set off with his beautiful Celeste, and they walked through the snow, which glimmered under the pale moonlight, and they looked into one another’s eyes and they saw the night stars reflected back at them and she swooned and The Great Willie Young lifted her into his arms, laid her down under a tree and [redacted due to gross indecency]

Hours later, The Great Willie Young lifted her from the earth and laughed when he noticed that all the snow around her body had melted from the fire of their passion and then he carried her back to the village. This may seem odd, but the reality is that the poor woman could not walk on account of [redacted due to gross indecency]. As they neared the village, Willie began to grow troubled, as he could espy, far on the horizon, the dancing of what appeared to be flames. He briefly wondered if the fire of his own heart had somehow caused the blaze, but these were flames of pure malevolence, dark and terrible. They were not the brilliant white hot fires of his heart and when he was close enough to tell the difference, he immediately cursed the darkness and ran towards the village. There, he found all of his work undone, as each and every building was ablaze. He could hear the cries and screams for help and he ran from building to building, saving everyone inside. He also saved the village’s lone cow, and he did all of this with his beloved Celeste still in his arms.

When he had finished, and everyone was safe, he collapsed in the snow and began weeping for the pain of his new friends. And they wept alongside of him. Celeste slept because, well, the poor girl was exhausted thanks to [redacted due to gross indecency.] The cow also slept because [redacted due to gross indecency?]

But after the tears came rage, and The Great Willie Young could feel the fires of his heart burning through his chest. He suddenly bellowed and it was said that even Hitler, deep in his bunker, could hear the sound of The Great Willie Young’s rage and he quivered and shook and wept with fear and couldn’t be calmed down until Eva Braun beat him with a riding crop and made him wear a diaper while she shit on his chest. Why that was not redacted is, frankly, a mystery, but I digress.

The frightened villagers huddled around The Dark Angel, their Miracle Man, and they frantically told him a tale of a secret group of Nazi soldiers, SS men who had been hiding the whole time in a cave hidden somewhere in the French countryside. They told him that until they appeared that night, they had been just a rumor, and if they did exist, then the people were sure that they had been driven out by the American Thundercocks which had stormed through the country. But alas, it was not so, and they told The Great Willie Young that they watched in horror as a fat Nazi Colonel named Rex ordered his Nazi beasts, led by a certain Captain Mark, who was said to be quite handsome but utterly without dignity and with a heart forged in the blackest parts of hell, to burn the village and every man, woman and child in it alive. It would seem that these Nazis had heard of The Great Willie Young and had in fact spied upon him, learning his movements, his routines, so that they could strike while he was unavailable, such was their cowardice.

The Great Willie Young’s face was said to have hardened with righteous fury in that moment, and the villagers would later say that he was terrible to look upon, like the face of God himself at war with The Devil. But in his heart, The Great Willie Young mourned and he cursed his own carelessness and the lusty fire of his own enormous manhood. He swore revenge, in the name of the villagers, his father the Cheetah God, his mother the dead Siren, his old friend Wu Pei, and his beloved wife the beautiful Yi Xian Shu Guang. He asked himself what his old friend Don Juan de Austria would do, and after contemplating sleeping with every woman in the village and then running away in the night while an enraged nobleman chased after him, he decided that he could not follow in his old friend’s path and would instead have to forge his own destiny. However, the memory of his time with Don Juan de Austria did bring a temporary smile to his face, especially the time he and Don Juan double teamed the wife of . . . oh, okay fine, I’ll get back to the main story.

After swearing vengeance, The Great Willie Young searched for his beloved Celeste but in a panic, Willie realized that she had gone missing. He asked around but no one knew what had happened. He even attempted to mind-meld with the cow, but all the cow would tell him was that her teats hurt. On the verge of despair, The Great Willie Young began to wonder if Celeste was just a dream, an angel from another dimension that only he could see. He stared in wide eyed wonder, in the hope that she would miraculously appear to him, but instead, there was nothing but snow and the howling of the frigid wind. The Great Willie Young felt the fire of his heart dim and the whole world seemed to shudder and in his bunker, Hitler’s heart rose and he flipped Eva Braun over and shit on her chest. Oh, those whacky Germans.

And it was in this moment that The Great Willie Young felt a tug on his pant leg. He looked down only to see a midget named Amélie, a deaf mute who scratched out an existence as both a footstool for tired farmers and as a stripper on weekends for bachelor parties. The Great Willie Young peered at the midget, who grunted something unintelligible and then made wild hand gestures. She sounded kind of like a cross between Chewbacca and Sloth from The Goonies. I’m sorry that’s so offensive, but those are just the facts. It’s just history. I’m not making this up. It would be irresponsible of me to clean it up for the sake of political correctness.

The Great Willie Young tried to make sense of her grunts and animalistic expressions, but sadly, he could not. He bent down, and tried to mind-meld with her, as he had the cow, but all he got in return was more unintelligible gibberish along with a horrific mental picture of her and a donkey from one of the bachelor parties she had worked. Willie fell back in horror but it was then that Amélie had an idea. She smiled with relief and then bent down and began tracing images in the snow with her finger. At first, they appeared to be a series of crude stick figures and The Great Willie Young was afraid that she was drawing crude porn, but then it began to dawn on him that she was revealing to him what had happened to his beloved Celeste and it wasn’t long before he understood that she had been taken captive by the fat Nazi Colonel named Rex and he rose up in furious anger and once again bellowed into the cold, dark night, and once again Hitler trembled and wept and then became permanently impotent.

Before anyone could stop him, The Great Willie Young dashed into the night. He did not know where the Nazi lair was hidden, but he called upon all of his senses, including those he had gained from his father, The Cheetah God, and he soon found their trail. It was later told by those who found themselves out wandering that night that they saw what appeared to be a giant Grizzly Bear, only larger and fiercer, thundering through the snow, roaring with fury, and that the snow melted before it and the trees all fell on their sides with fear and the earth itself begged for forgiveness.

Deep in their cave, the Nazis heard this terrible roar and they trembled and shook. The fat Colonel shit himself and Handsome Mark began to weep. Celeste struggled free but Handsome Mark slapped her across the face and she fell to the cave floor in pain and great fear. She had to restrain herself from vomiting as the fat Colonel stank, both because his Nazi pantaloons were filled with shit and because he had exceptionally poor hygiene. The fat Colonel began to scream in German at Handsome Mark and Celeste was both confused and afraid. Handsome Mark then removed the fat Colonel’s pants and [redacted for gross, GROSS, indecency. And I mean gross. GROSS.]

Celeste went catatonic at the sight and surely would have died right then and there if suddenly the cave wall wouldn’t have exploded and her beloved, her Dark Angel, hadn’t have rushed through, slaughtering all the vile Nazis where they stood. Handsome Mark rose, shit on his chin, and rushed The Great Willie Young, but The Great Willie Young smote him with a single punch, a punch which exploded Handsome Mark into a terrible, rancid dust, a dust which was immediately collected by fell spirits, demons from hell, who rose up through the earth and dragged the dust back to the hell from whence it came.

The fat Colonel gibbered and wept. He was pantsless and still covered in shit despite Handsome Mark’s best efforts. The demon spirits which had come to collect Handsome Mark were even said to have recoiled in fear at the terrible sight of The Great Willie Young, who shone with the light and the fury of a thousand suns.

It was in the glow of this light, in its warmth and healing splendor that Celeste began to recover. She crawled behind the fat Nazi Colonel and, careful to avert her eyes and not to breathe in his terrible stench, she rose up and struck him with a piece of the broken cave wall. The fat Nazi Colonel yelped in pain and fell to the earth. He reportedly swore at her in German and then said, in English “You bitch, don’t you know who I am? My name is Rex Ry . . .” but before he could finish, The Great Willie Young stepped forward, and exploded the fat Nazi Colonel’s head with a clap of his hands and he said “I know who you are, you disgusting son of a bitch. This is for Matty and Hanson and for all of my brothers who suffered because of your foul stench.” And with that, the demon spirits returned and they dragged the fat Nazi Colonel’s corpse back to hell, where it is said to serve as an Ottoman for Satan.

The Great Willie Young scooped the beautiful Celeste into his arms and then they [redacted for gross indecency.] Several hours later, the villagers rejoiced as The Great Willie Young appeared on the horizon, with Celeste in his arms. He once again rebuilt the entire village, and then stood before them and told them that he must be on his way. They all wept with sadness and dismay, but he told them not to despair, for he would always be with them in spirit, even if he wasn’t in body. They understood, and although sad, they celebrated his departure with a great feast, made up of the deer which he himself had hunted. The village cow was spared because the people felt bad once they learned that her teats hurt and she was given a home of her own, which she shared with Amélie, the deaf mute midget stripper, and oh the adventures they had together, but that is another story for another time.

As for Celeste, The Great Willie Young brought her to a quiet spot in the countryside. It was Christmas day, and she told him that he was the greatest Christmas present she had ever received. The Great Willie Young just smiled and said “I know, baby girl. I know. You been spoiled.” He then kissed her one last time and then was said to have vanished into thin air. Some say he returned to Detroit, to the present, in order to prepare to conquer the heathen village of Buffalo. Others say that he returned to his wife in China, who smelled Celeste on him and threw him out of the house for a whole week, during which he slept on Wu Pei’s couch. But those are just rumors. What we do know is that thanks to The Great Willie Young, an entire French village was saved, a horde of evil Nazis led by Fat Colonel Rex and his aide, the terrible Captain, Handsome Mark, were utterly destroyed and Hitler was made impotent. And somewhere out there, a 90 year old French woman named Celeste is thinking about The Great Willie Young and glancing at the ancient dildo on her nightstand and [redacted due to gross indecency.]


Agent P said...

Another great story, I check back every week for the further adventures. Hopefully the next story will be about the almost extintion of wild buffalo in due to the slaughter they faced at the hands of the Great Willy Young

Neil said...

Why, thank you very much.

And yes, if all goes as I hope, then that may very well next week's theme.

CJ said...

"Handsome Mark then removed the fat Colonel’s pants and [redacted for gross, GROSS, indecency. And I mean gross. GROSS.]"

While I would never want to actually see this, I kind of want everyone else to have to see it. Like, I want it to be on the everyone can know the truth about Evil Rex and Handsome Mark which is so evident to the Lions fans already.

Great story, and I'm so glad Amelie (and the cow!) got a happy ending.

Neil said...

Thank you, CJ.

"I'm so glad Amelie (and the cow!) got a happy ending."

I guarantee you the quoted text is something that will never be written in response to any other football blog and for that, I am proud.

Chinks Steaks said...

I loved this. I hope you'll one day consider when Brett Favre finally retires doing a collection of tales of love and lust featuring Favre and John Madden Brokeback Mountain style.

Neil said...

Oh man, I think I'll have to.

chinks steaks said...

I wanted to do one based on Field Of Dreams where Madden starts hearing "If you build it he will come" so he builds a football field and Favre shows up. That leads to "go the distance" and they can't figure out what that means until they realize that it was actually "if you build it he will cum"

Anonymous said...

found your site on today and really liked it.. i bookmarked it and will be back to check it out some more later