YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CHOSEN ONE!

I will never forget where I was at 1:30pm PST on May 6th, 2010. I was enjoying lunch at the historic Duke's Malibu, looking at out at the ocean, watching dolphins frolic and surfers eat shit hard. I was surrounded by friends and family and was enjoying a lovely vacation. As I looked around the table I couldn't help but think that this might well be as good as things could possibly get. Then, all at once, they got better. A whole helluva lot better. I received a text message. Then a second. Then 3 more. In the span of 30 seconds I received close to 3 dozen text messages. I was puzzled, and admittedly a tiny bit worried. Had we been attacked by terrorists? Did Canada finally invade? Had we been sold to the Chinese? I clicked on the first one, which was from a friend and fellow Raider fan. All it said was WOOOOOHOOOOOO! The next one was from a friend who never misses a chance to mock me for rooting for a shitty team. It said "hey maybe now you guys might compete." What in the hell was going on? The third, and most coherent, was from my cousin who is also a Raider fan. It read "HOLY SHIT, DUDE! JAMARCUS IS GONE!!!! LOL!!" My phone slipped out of my hand and fell to the ground. I stood up in the middle of this fine dining establishment and at the top of my lungs I screamed out "YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! JAMARCUS IS GONNNNNNNNNNNNE!" I grabbed my wife and planted a huge kiss on her and then picked my two daughters up out of their chairs and began to jump up and down, laughing and (yes, I'll admit it) crying tears of joy. My family and friends all knew exactly what I was talking about. How could they not, after hearing me bitch about his worthless ass non stop for the last 2 years. After composing myself I ordered an $120 bottle of some French wine that I couldn't pronounce and toasted to a new start for my beloved Raiders. A new start that now, finally, was a possibility.

I didn't always have this much hatred for Jamarcus. When he was drafted I knew it wouldn't work out. I knew he wasn't good enough to warrant being the #1 overall pick. I knew Calvin Johnson was going to be much, much better than him. I knew Joe Thomas was going to be much, much better than him. Ditto for Adrian Peterson, Patrick Willis and Darrelle Revis. Despite this, I held out hope that maybe, just maybe, Jamarcus would wind up being a good, solid QB. But I knew he'd never be a star. I was willing to give him a chance. Then he decided to holdout and miss all of training camp and the 1st game of the season. That eliminated any chance of him having any sort of an impact his rookie year. Then when he finally did sign he was fat. Really, really fat. Then the rumors about his work ethic started to get louder and louder. He sleeps during meetings and film sessions. He needs someone to wake him up on the road in time to get on the team bus. In spite of all of this, I had to believe he'd turn it around at some point. It was certainly too soon to call him a bust, right?

Then came season #2. He had his ups and his downs. He nearly beat the Bills on the road. He ended up being the knockout blow for the coaching tenures of Mike Shanahan and Jon Gruden. He fumbled a lot. He threw some picks. But he showed some skills. Maybe not Pro Bowl talent, but there was something there. Something he could build on.

Then came season #3. He came into camp fat again. And not "beginning of training camp" type of fat. We're talking "circus fat". His work ethic somehow got worse. He refused to accept any blame for the team losing, despite not being able to complete a pass if his life depended on it. He got sacked repeatedly by holding onto the ball. There were more fumbles. More picks. And now there were no ups. Just downs. Things got so bad that career journeyman Bruce Gradkowski actually looked competent by comparison. The team actually was so relieved that Jamarcus was sent to the bench that they rallied around a guy who was as average as average can be. And yet he still sat there on the bench, smiling wearing his huge diamond earrings and beanie. Smiling that same smug, arrogant fucking grin that his bloated ass has flashed time and time again the last 3 years as he went out onto the field and threw the ball to no one in particular. That same fucking smile he'd show off every time he'd fumble the ball away and shrug as the defense picked the ball up and ran it in for a score. "NOT MY FAULT" was written all over his fat fucking face and it MADE. ME. SICK. Sick to bottom of my ulcer filled stomach. Sick to the point that I wanted desperately for the o-line to just allow the defensive line to crush his goddamned ass into bits and pieces. I now hated Jamarcus. I hated him more than anything I have ever hated. More than I hated cancer. More than I hated Glenn Beck. More than I hated Fred Durst. Jamarcus was now the most reviled thing in my universe. And through it all he kept on smiling and cashing those ridiculous paychecks. Keep on smiling, you fucking asshole. Keep smiling 3 years from now when you've spent all your NFL money and you're on the Surreal Life. Keep smiling when you're working as a blackjack dealer on a river gambling boat. Keep smiling when 5 years from now when ESPN, as part of their "35 for 35" series films A $39,000,000 Dream Deferred: The Jamarcus Russell Story and shows your worthless ass living under a freeway overpass, sucking dick for money. I want all of these terrible things to happen to you. All of them, and more. You deserve this. You actually deserve to live the most horrible, tragic life imaginable. Not because you sucked at football. Not because you drove my team, MY beloved team, into the goddamned abyss. I want your life to be utter shit because you did all of this and it didn't faze you in the slightest bit. You were a fucking $39,000,000.00 disaster and you DIDN'T FUCKING CARE. You didn't have enough professionalism to put in the time it takes to be a true pro. You didn't even have enough common sense or even the slightest flickering of personal pride to not be an embarrassment. Your momma and grandma raised you up to not listen to anyone who tells you things you don't want to hear. And now look where it has gotten you. You're a joke. Not even a particularly funny joke. Fuck you Jamarcus. Eat shit. Burn in hell. I hope you become homeless. As I slam the door shut on the large shit stain that was Jamarcus, I invite you to watch his most memorable moment as a Raider. Alahu akbar.