Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Fuck it! Let's Jump off the Roof!


Mike Shanahanahan’s first of three mini-camps as anus-mouthed head coach of the Washington Redskins was a roaring success, by all PR accounts afterwards. Young guys who could fucking rule the earth like Brian Orakpo and... well, that’s the only potentially ballin’ ass youngsta we currently have I guess - sound like they are going to eat the enemy’s young this year. And as for disgruntled primadonnas, the above was a quote from the always quotable Clinton “C.P.” Portis regarding buying into Coach Shanahanahan’s deal, and how if he asked you to jump off a roof, you’d do it.
Part of Shanahan’s (I’m not gonna keep misspelling it like that all the way through, though that would show good form probably) first weekend institution was a list of rules that all players had to abide by or run extra sprints at the end of practice - normal things like running to the huddle or from the huddle, not raping women in the bathroom of small town night clubs, running through your drills in practice, as well as not so common to Redskins Park things like not double parking your Lamborghini or pimped out Maserati or putting it in a handicapped spot, shit like that. In other words, that old “if you’re on time, then you’re fifteen minutes late” deal. This is good. The Redskins have been like a playground or a fifth grade class under the tutelage of a long-term substitute teacher ever since Dan Snyder took over, running wild, not really caring, and it’s shown on the field. And this type of discipline, just maybe, can take guys like Carlos Rogers and Laron Landry - both very talented yet chronic underperformers - and turn them into what we through they were. Of course, there is that whole fact that the Redskins have drafted like retarded assholes for years, so maybe them sucking is what they actually are. But at least now we can actually find out.
It also makes me sad for Jason Campbell, because I am one of the few who thinks he might actually be a pretty good QB still. I am not certain whether I’d want him behind a rebuilt offensive line than Donovan McNabb, because I think Campbell has tremendous upside still. He has handled basically being shat upon by the Redskins front office seven or eight times over the years in a proud and good-natured manner that would make even your most prominent German scat flick starlet cringe. They haven’t done Jason right, but at least Shanahan is letting him not come to mini-camp, to try and shop a trade deal to his liking. Hopefully they will do right by him.
Another non-attendee was Albert Haynesworth, whom I will speak more in-depth upon later this week, but there’s not much to say there. A couple of goats butting heads, except one goat is the coach and the other goat is just another goat, at least to head coach goat, although to the owner of this flock of goats, the second goat is a lavish and expensive goat that he’d like to get a little more goat use out of before letting him jump the fence to greener pastures elsewhere. This is not so much a test of wills between the goat coach and goat player so much as the goat coach’s desires for his goat players to be equal goats and goat master’s desire to hang out with his precious goats and watch them butt heads from a golf cart during practice.
Which was another nice development at mini-camp. No golf carts, no Vinny and Danny sitting in lawn chairs watching their wonderful collection of athletes pretend to be competitors. Hopefully Dan Snyder has learned to stay out the way. Actually, hopefully he has fucking brain cancer and is bed-ridden and only has four months to live and in his current mind-state has decided to leave the team 48% to John Riggins, 48% to Dexter Manley, and 4% to Joe Gibbs, who will break all ties in matters that can’t be decided by the other two owners.
Mostly I am just excited for football again. Not like I think Donovan McNabb is Black Jesus, resurrected on Easter Sunday, to bring a fourth Lombardi trophy to D.C. (or Ashburn, Virginia, to be more precise). But fuck man, they’re putting in some discipline again. Since Dan Snyder’s owned this team, that’s hardly happened. Schottenheimer briefly did it, then got run out of town for Steve Spurrier’s brand of professional rec league football. And really, the greatness of Joe Gibbs has been underestimated in him being able to take the Redskins, under Dan Snyder’s ownership, to the playoffs two out of four years. That’s like winning Super Bowls at regular teams, fighting an immense current of fucked-up football management practices and backdoor dealings to actually get even moderate success out of a bunch of guys fat off of dinners with the owner. Anything is a step in the right direction, and as much as I think Mike Shanahanahan is a huge fucking dickhead, if he can point that huge fucking dickhead into the slouched over asshole of my favorite sports team in all the whole wide world and fuck it good, right back into an upright and proud posture, then I’m okay with him, completely. I am ready to jump off the roof too. Fuck it.

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