Help me I'm in painI've been meaning to post something for a while; I really have. But for most of the last month or so, I'll start typing and realize that there are only so many ways you can reword "everything is terrible and I hate you all forever" before it starts to get redundant. And other times, like the Vikings game last week, it's been more a matter of "oh yeah, I think I shall type a thing - oh look, an interesting squirrel!" or something else similar. So I suppose I'll touch on that for a second:
FUCK YOU IN THE FACE, BRETT FAVRE. SUCK MY DICK. SUCK MY DICK AND EAT MY BALLS. HAIL THE VICTORIOUS DEAD. I should have done a whole big post about that last week, since it was by far the best thing that happened in football all year for me, and there's only so much I can stand of typing a bunch of weird shit about zombies and cobras and TERRIBLE VIOLENCE or whatever. Still, I'm sure it was going to just degrade into one giant paragraph about how pissed I am that even after Devin Aromashodu spent the preseason getting a ton of playing time with the first-team offense against opposing teams' first-team defenses and was by far the team's best wide receiver, and even after Jay Cutler spent about fourteen weeks begging for him to get playing time, they still wouldn't let that dude see the field until week fifteen or whenever it was.
But there will be plenty of time to get negative when I look forward to an off season of wondering how the hell we're going to rebuild the smoldering wreckage of the last few years when we don't have a draft pick until the third round, after Cutler ate up the first rounder and we traded the number two for Gaines fuckin' ass Adams. Seriously. Gaines damn Adams. You know, in ten games with the Bears this year, that turd registered a grand total of four tackles. Four. That's it. No sacks, no fumble recoveries, no nothing. Just four freaking tackles. Jesus Harold Christ, I could do that, and I'm not even joking. Like if they sent me out there and just let me get crushed by the opposing team's offensive linemen for ten games, I'm sure I'd end up with at least five tackles just by having the other team's running backs fall on top of me or something. Getting four tackles in that span of time is worse than chance.
But yeah, I'm sure there will be plenty of time for things like that when I break this butthole of a year down sometime between now and April or whenever. As for today, the Bears finished out with a win over the Lions, but it's hard for me to tap dance with joy over that, because you know... It was the Lions. I mean, yeah, they had a good draft and all, but everyone they drafted is on injured reserve. This is a team that has had the post-2004 version of Daunte Culpepper playing quarterback for large parts of the year. This is a team that gave up two one-hundred yard games to Matt Forte in the year where he made us all pine for the return of Cedric Benson. There is nothing about beating the Detroit Lions that you can type without making heavy use of italics, because damn.
But anyway, yeah, 2009 is over now, and well, that sure fucking happened. I'm oddly at peace with it right now, but I'm sure I'll come back in a while with a bunch more about how awful Gaines Adams is, how awesome Devin Aromashodu is, and how utterly bummed I am with how the Orlando Pace thing worked out. Till then, onward and upward to greater things, I suppose. Or the 2010 season, whichever comes first.
One.
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