Monday, November 16, 2009

So, 2-14 it is

Yeah, that's about it. One of the last legit winnable game on the schedule and all you can do is put up 10 points? Against the Chiefs? Michael Bush rushed for over 100 yards, but over half of them came on one carry. Darrius Heyward-Bey, the speedy receiver that Al Davis just HAD TO HAVE, dropped the game winner. The defense held up their end of the deal only to have Jamarcus and his SCUD missile right arm take a huge, steaming shit on their collective chests yet again. The best part about Jamarcus getting benched again is the murmurs going around that Bruce Gradkowski is going to start next week. BRUCE GRADKOWSKI IS BEING VIEWED AS A STEP UP. Marinate on that for a second. For shits and grins I'm going to go through each teams backup QBs to determine who is better than Jamarcus.

Arizona Cardinals
Matt Leinart: Frat Boy Date Rapist at large. Hasn't been too good in the NFL, yet his career rating of 70.9 makes him look like Joe Montana compared to Jamarcus. Better than Jamarcus.

Brian St. Pierre: Has only seen action in one NFL game, throwing one incompletion. However, he didn't throw a pick or lose a fumble so that makes him better than Jamarcus.

Atlanta Falcons
Chris Redman: One time QB of the Future of the Baltimore Ravens had a nice little run QBing the Falcons in '07. Better than Jamarcus.

John Parker Wilson: Rookie from Alabama hasn't thrown a pass yet, so he hasn't had a chance to ruin anything. Better than Jamarcus.

Baltimore Ravens
John Beck: Failed second round pick who is probably Cam Cameron's secret bottom, thus securing himself a job in the NFL forever. Failed second rounder isn't nearly as humiliating as failed #1 overall pick, thus he is better than Jamarcus.

Troy Smith: Former Heisman winner. Good athlete who could be fun to use in a Wildcat formation and has yet to throw a pick in his NFL career. Better than Jamarcus.

Buffalo Bills
Ryan Fitzpatrick: Went to Harvard, hasn't been very good in the NFL, better than Jamarcus

Gibran Hamdan: Has thrown two passes in his NFL career, completing one of them. That's a better completion % than Jamarcus has put up this season, making him better than Jamarcus.

Carolina Panthers
AJ Feeley: Had some nice moments filling in for McNabb in Philly, light years better than Jamarcus.

Josh McCown: Former Raider washout who is on Carolina's injured reserved list. Better than Jamarcus.

Matt Moore: Undrafted QB who keeps sticking around despite being about as productive as Jamarcus. There, Jamarcus Russell is as productive as an undrafted free agent 3rd stringer. SAME AS JAMARCUS. PRINT THE T-SHIRTS NOW.

Chicago Bears
Caleb Hanie: Currently the most popular man in Chicago now that Bears fans have finally turned on Jay Cutler. Has completed 50% of his passes for his career, thus he is better than Jamarcus.

Cincinnati Bengals
JT O'Sullivan: Local product and president of the Mike Martz fan club, he flamed out as the starting QB for the 49ers last season. His 57% completion percentage and career passer rating of 71 would be more than welcome in Oakland right now. Better than Jamarcus.

Jordan Palmer: Carson's little brother. Has looked like crap in limited duty, but no one expects him to do anything. Still, I will give Jamarcus the benefit of the doubt on this one. WORSE THAN JAMARCUS.

Cleveland Browns
Derek Anderson and Brady Quinn: Depending on which day of the week it is one of them will be the back up. Both of them can occasionally complete a pass, making them marginally better than Jamarcus.

Brett Ratliff: Has never thrown an NFL pass, thus he hasn't raised the ire of a construction worker wearing spiked shoulder pads and face paint. Better than Jamarcus.

Dallas Cowboys
Jon Kitna: Bible thumper who has had success as a starter in the past. Creepy looking dude who is nonetheless better than Jamarcus.

Stephen McGee: Never thrown a regular season pass. Better than Jamarcus.

Denver Broncos
Chris Simms: Father of eternal douche bag Phil Simms who is an absolute soldier who played with a ruptured spleen once. Not very good as a QB yet he's still better than Jamarcus.

Tom Brandstater: Rookie who has never thrown a pass. Better than Jamarcus.

Ingle Martin: Recently signed, has never thrown an NFL pass but took a couple kneel downs. Better than Jamarcus.

Detroit Lions
Daunte Culpepper: Another former Raider failure, his peak seasons were the prototype for what the Raiders thought they were getting in Jamarcus. Instead they got an older version of what they currently have: a shitty QB. Still better than Jamarcus.

Drew Stanton: Failed second round pick who has never been able to get any meaningful playing time, but as we already established, failed second rounder is better than failed #1 overall pick. Better than Jamarcus.

Green Bay Packers
Matt Flynn: He was Jamarcus' successor at LSU. A 7th rounder who holds a clipboard for Aaron Rogers and wears the SHIT out of a baseball hat (no homo). Better than Jamarcus.

Houston Texans
Rex Grossman: Shit the bed in the Super Bowl as starting QB for the Bears, which is more than Jamarcus will ever achieve. Better than Jamarcus.

Dan Orlovsky: I would say he's better than Jamarcus, but he is responsible for this play. Same as Jamarcus.

Indianapolis Colts
Curtis Painter: Rookie who hasn't thrown a pass and has a Dutch boy hair cut. Better than Jamarcus.

Jim Sorgi: Peyton's backup for like the last 30 years. The team loves him and keeps him around so he must be better than Jamarcus.

Jacksonville Jaguars
Luke McCown: The better of the McCown brothers. Better than Jamarcus.

Kansas City Chiefs
Brodie Croyle: Sucks pretty badly, but will probably somehow end up being a Raider next year. Better than Jamarcus.

Matt Gutierrez: Went from being a 3rd stringer in New England to being a 3rd stringer in K.C. Better than Jamarcus.

Miami Dolphins
Tyler Thigpen: Somewhat productive as a starter for the Chiefs. Better than Jamarcus.

Pat White: Rookie drafted to add a wrinkle to the Wildcat. Better than Jamarcus.

Minnesota Vikings
Tarvaris Jackson: Kicked to the curb so Bubba Favre could come out retirement for the 9 billionth time. Not very good, yet better than Jamarcus.

Sage Rosenfels: Career backup, better than Jamarcus.

New England Patriots
Brian Hoyer: Rookie project who is better than Jamarcus.

Andrew Walter: The white version of Jamarcus, only he was a 3rd rounder. Technically better than Jamarcus.

New Orleans Saints
Mark Brunell: Holy shit! He's still playing? His withered, dried up husk is better than Jamarcus.

Chase Daniel: Undrafted rookie who was hot shit in college but is like 4'8. He'll still be better than Jamarcus.

New York Giants
David Carr: AH HA! An intriguing matchup of former #1 overall busts! Carr is basically the best case scenario for Jamarcus. Carr at least had moments where he looked like a starting QB, which is more than Jamarcus has done. Better than Jamarcus.

New York Jets
Erik Ainge: Nephew of whiny asshole Danny Ainge. Team has zero confidence in him and I hate his uncle for demanding a trade from the Kings back in the day. Worse than Jamarcus.

Kellen Clemens: Rocket arm, has some tools. Better than Jamarcus.

Kevin O'Connell: At one time he was viewed as a possible replacement for Tom Brady. Now he's on his 3rd team in 2 years. Better than Jamarcus.

Oakland Raiders
Bruce Gradkowski: Not very good, failed as a starter in Tampa Bay. Can't be any worse than Jamarcus. Better than Jamarcus.

Charlie Frye: Failed former starter who is somehow still getting a paycheck despite sucking at football. Similar to Jamarcus.

Philadelphia Eagles
Kevin Kolb: Cemented himself as the heir to the throne once McNabb gets shown the door. Better than Jamarcus.

Mike Vick: Convicted dog killer. Better than Jamarcus. Sad but true.

Pittsburgh Steelers
Charlie Batch: Old ass dude who is a perfect caretaker QB. Better than Jamarcus.

Dennis Dixon: A blown up knee made him drop in the draft. Athletic and throws well. Possible starter someday. Better than Jamarcus.

San Diego Chargers
Billy Volek: Put up huge numbers filling in for Steve McNair in Tennessee. Better than Jamarcus.

Charlie Whitehead: 3rd stringer that other teams have shown interest in. More than I can say for Jamarcus. Better than Jamarcus.

San Francisco 49ers
Nate Davis: Good athlete and mobile, two things Jamarcus will never be. Better than Jamarcus.

Shaun Hill: Found a way to win some games despite throwing like a girl. Better than Jamarcus.

Seattle Seahawks
Mike Teel: Rookie prospect who was a big winner in college. Better than Jamarcus.

Seneca Wallace: Athlete and a team player. Better than Jamarcus.

St. Louis Rams
Kyle Boller: Terrible QB. Huge arm, zero accuracy, zero confidence. Same as Jamarcus.

Keith Null: Complete unknown. Possibly better than Jamarcus.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers
Josh Johnson: Flopped as a starting QB but was a 5th rounder. Better than Jamarcus.

Byron Leftwich: 1st round failure now with his 4th team. Still better than Jamarcus.

Tennessee Titans
Kerry Collins: Another former Raider, he was benched for Vince Young and the team responded by winning 2 in a row. Still better than Jamarcus.

Washington Redskins
Colt Brennan: The guy many Skins fans mistakenly think is better than Jason Campbell. Still better than Jamarcus.

Todd Collins: Long time backup who looked like shit when thrust into the starting role. Better than Jamarcus.

There you have it. And people wonder why I drink...


Neil said...

Fucking football, man.

Raven Mack said...

you should do the CFL too