Sunday, November 15, 2009

I haven't been writing because I KILLED MYSELF

(this is a hot ass cartoon lady!)

I wish I was joking guys! Sometime after the embarrassing 684-3 loss against the Bengals, I snorted way too many vitamins and ended up dead somewhere. I mean, I woke up in the hospital, but I guess I was dead for a day or so! I wish I could tell you how I saw a bright light and my Dad was on the other end all like "COME HERE SON FOLLOW ME INTO THE LIGHT" and then I was like "NO DAD I HAVE MUCH MORE LIVING TO DO. I CANNOT BE WITH YOU IN PEACE YET. A MILLION APOLOGIES", but actually it was more like sleeping without dreaming. I woke up and it was Tuesday instead of Monday and that was that.

I think I owe the hospital a princely sum for making me alive again. Such a princely sum that I considered re-killing myself, and I should have since I got shitcanned from my fucking job because jobs aren't really too cool when they find out you OD'd in the ladies room of a bar called Suspenders (Wall Street guys. Check it out! it's nice!). I made the mistake of hanging out with some ex-coworkers that fateful day and one of them snitched because he's a prick (HEY TIM FUCK YOU) and now I don't have fucking insurance.

Needless to say, I now have bigger worries in my life, and the prick doctor said I should keep from doing stuff that hurts my heart because it's still not 100%, so watching the Bears lose to bottom feeder teams because Cutler just loves throwing Interceptions in the Red Zone is medically and emotionally not in my agenda. I'm like 2 days away from living in a cardboard box and sucking dicks to make enough money to afford a street hot dog, and it's not like the Bears will play a charity game against the Harlem Globetrotters in my honor (don't worry, I already asked), so fuck them.

This is hopefully not my last post, but if it is, I would like to plug some shit before I'm homeless or dead again. Please listen to my podcast which can be found at There's a good chance there will be a very special final episode soon, hopefully broadcast live from my funeral. Oh and I have a twitter!

Ok, I'm off to pawn some shit. Keep me in your thoughts and prayers!!! xoxoxo

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