Sunday, October 18, 2009

Well, That Did Not Go Well

Oh, the horror.

There have been a lot of apocalyptic games played by the Lions at Lambeau Field over the past couple of decades, including the game which served as the sixteenth and final nail in last year's terrible coffin. I did a running diary of that game, a collection of absurd pain which served as the capper for the Bataan Death March that was the 2008 season. But today's game, today's awful, despicable game, was perhaps even uglier. It wasn't necessarily more painful - how could it be? But it was incredibly ugly, utterly without merit and made me contemplate peeling all of my skin off with a potato peeler so that I could rid myself of anything and everything that was exposed to that horrific spectacle.

The final score was 26-0 in favor of the Packers, but it felt like it could have been - and probably should have been - something more along the lines of 42-0 or 73-0 or FUCK YOU NEIL - 0. As a Lions fan, I am all too familiar with that last one. The thing that made this game so nauseating though wasn't just that the Lions lost, and it wasn't even just that the score was so lopsided, it was because the Packers pretty much looked like shit and still treated us like we were a retarded gazelle and like they were a cheetah on PCP. A terrible thing, just awful.

The Green Bay offensive line still couldn't protect Aaron Rodgers at all, but that doesn't really matter when your receivers are so wide open that you can pretty much just snap the ball and throw within one second on every down. That shit was embarrassing. I mean, everyone knew coming in that the Lions secondary was pretty terrible, but I think they set new lows in this one. The Packers could have lined up Don Hutson at wide receiver and he would have had a field day. I'm talking about Don Hutson right now, and that dude's been dead for 12 years.

The Packers couldn't really run the ball, couldn't protect the quarterback and made an obscene amount of mistakes. And yet, they blew the Lions right the fuck off the field. How does that even happen? If the Lions were playing a genuinely good football team this week, they might have lost 98-0. I'm hardly even exaggerating. Good Lord.

Was this a step back? I don't know. I mean, on the surface, you kind of have to say that it was, right? But then you look beneath that surface and you see that both Matthew Stafford and Calvin Johnson were just chilling on the sidelines and that the Lions looked like they needed a field medic to help dress shrapnel wounds and psychologists to deal with shell shock, and you can kind of say that we should just throw this one out as a freak game that has no real bearing on the future.

Still, there were signs, terrible signs, that made me shiver and shake and look desperately at the sidelines to make sure that Rod Marinelli wasn't waddling up and down them anymore. The Packers returned the opening kickoff for a touchdown, which was subsequently called back due to holding, but still, man . . . you know, it wouldn't surprise me if, when the game ended, Stan Kwan, the Lions special teams coach, went back to the locker room only to find all his shit in the box and a guard waiting to rough him up and throw him out of the building. Don't try swimming back across Lake Michigan, Stan, there are sharks and mermaids with razor teeth and rabies in there.

The quarterbacks looked like shit, showing a general ineptitude which called to mind the greats of the past decade, sterling names like Joey Harrington and Dan Orlovsky. Daunte Culpepper reminded everyone that he is indeed Daunte Culpepper. It was like watching game film from last season while he was still out there. His day mercifully ended when his old ass body said "Fuck this, I'm out of here," and bailed out on him without a Packer even touching him. That brought forth the golden child, the great underdog who owns the hearts of Lions fans everywhere, the plucky~ Drew Stanton. Sure enough, ol' Drew threw an interception and was buried by a couple of sacks. After managing to hand off to Kevin Smith for a couple of decent gains and completing a couple of passes that were so slow they looked like they were thrown by a stoned high school quarterback, the announcers predictably started talking about how impressed they were with Ol' Plucky and I went insane. I mean, I am starting to feel that when it comes to Drew Stanton that I am the only one not afflicted by some terrible spell wrought by some weird sorcery. I am like that dude in a TV show who wakes up in an alternate reality where everything and everyone is different and only he can see the truth and he spends the whole episode ranting and raving until he finally breaks down and then is committed to an asylum or rescued by some degenerate wizard or wakes up only to find that it was all a dream, only that one dude's shoes are the same as the dream and what if it was all real???

As you can see, Drew Stanton makes me insane. Or he makes everyone else insane and I am the only sane one left. I don't know. What I do know is that two plays after the announcers began to rhapsodize about Ol' Plucky, he threw an interception and I vomited, went outside and powerbombed a gopher.

This game was terrible and obscene. It was so bad that with a little under two minutes left in the game, FOX just said fuck it, and switched it to the game between the Saints and the Giants. It wouldn't surprise me at all if we found out that the FCC declared the game obscene, fined everyone involved and ordered FOX to make that move.

Jesus. There is little that can horrify me as a Lions fan anymore. I have seen the belly of the beast and it is awful. And yet, this game managed to do it. That is quite the accomplishment. The game only ended a couple of hours ago, and so I am sure the stench of this shit pile will start to fade. Maybe I will be slightly more positive as the week goes on, but for now, man . . . I just want to forget this bullshit and move on. It's just too damn bad that the bye week is next week. That means that Lions fans have to live with this, lingering, laughing at us, taunting us, for the next two weeks. When we think of the Lions during this time, we won't think of Matthew Stafford throwing rockets or St. Calvin loping away from some foolish mortal. Instead, we'll think of Daunte Culpepper playing like ass and Packer receivers running wild and the Lambeau Leap and OH GOD WHY??? It's a terrible thing. I just want to be happy about this team, and while most of my addled brain knows that good things are ahead and that the Lions are making real progress, that small, terrible part of my brain that runs wild with fear is screaming like a fucking banshee and that dude is a mean bastard.

It's not really his fault though. He has been so beat up and so traumatized through the years that it's easy to understand that he is like the retard in There's Something About Mary. Get your hands near his head and he goes fucking wild. Well, the Lions of 2009 looked a hell of a lot like the Lions of 2008 today and that mean bastard went fucking wild.

Get a grip, you son of a bitch. This is only a bump in the road, and you knew it was coming and now you are just talking to yourself and the nice people reading this are backing away from their computers, with fear in their eyes and dread in their hearts. OH LORD WHY???

It will all be okay. It is 2009 and there is a headbanging chess master running the show now. The man with the diaper is gone and so is the announcer. It is all in your mind. Today was strange, tomorrow will be better.


Ty said...

You absolutely nailed it again this week, man. As soon as I saw the title I laughed. Reading this was cathartic.


Neil said...

Man, I just needed to rant and rave a little after that debacle. GOOD LORD. Well, okay, more than usual anyway.